Sometime around midnight.

I want to go into the city and just get lost for a little while. Not right this second, but when there is snow on the ground. Despite that the streets are lined with dirty snow, I think Manhattan around Christmas time is one of the prettiest sights in the world. I do know that I could get lost out here, but it's kind of difficult if you've lived in the same area for the past fifteen years. Maybe I'll work my way over to the other side of town. I don't know that area as well as this one. 


I've been finding it hard to get out of bed recently. Not that I'm just solely tired though. I legitimately just don't want to deal with the world right now. Like I've said before, I usually reach my inability to tolerate anyone in my school by the month of April. It's the beginning of December. I swear, these people will be the death of me. ("Yeah, you, will be, the death, of meeeee). 


Let's also take into consideration that I'm sick, too. It's the second week now and for some reason I keep refusing to see the doctor. I know I should see him because a two week 'cold' isn't necessarily healthy, you know? I can't go to the doctor. AP World is crushing me and I honestly can't fall behind in any of my classes. I can't stand knowing that I don't have the notes for something. It's fucking ridiculous. 


I used to not give a shit about school, I really didn't. Tenth grade hits and now I never want to leave the school because I don't want to give myself any time off. I said to this flaky friend of mine, Brenna, (I never thought I'd ever say that about her) that I didn't want to go home today. I just wanted to work and be done with it. I hate working. 


The guidance counselors came in to speak with my grade in various classes, handing out our transcripts. I thought I was happy with it, but, I'm not. I remember telling myself that I was going to be the Valedictorian of my grade and I was going to go on full scholarship to my dream school (Middle school dreams, mind you). My eighty-seven point bullshit isn't going to cut it. 


It's all crashing down on me now. I'm fucking scared. 


I have all the time in the world to write this, right? No.


Junior year is going to be so bad, I know it. 


If my face looks gaunt now, how is it going to look next year? My ability to cope with stress doesn't exist at this point. I want to rip everyone limb from limb and tell everyone what I really think of them. I almost turned around today during an assembly ready to verbally abuse the two kids behind me. I hate them. They've no respect. Not that I really cared about the topic of the whole assembly, but, damn, they weren't even funny.


Day 08: A time when you felt most satisfied with your life.


It's funny that this one comes up on today. I don't think I've ever necessarily felt satisfied. I'm never satisfied, unless it comes to eating (Go figure). If anything, it was probably last year in the most bizarre of times.


I was sitting in my room on my bed and I recently got dressed. I think I was thinking over everything in the shower prior because I had my hospital volunteering hours that day. It was spring time and all my windows were open and it was one of those stereotypical beautiful spring days. Everything was just blooming and the sky was this ridiculous blue with those big, white puffy clouds. 


I can still smell what it was like then, fresh. Clean. Whatever.


I had great friends at the time, I met new people who liked the same crap as I did and I was playing a sport I loved (Badminton). My grades began to pick up and the year was almost over. Nothing could bring me down. 


Sucks now. Seems like everything's turning black and white now.