rap music saved my life.

Did that thought just cross my mind? Yes, yes it did. It's been taking my mind off of everything lately and it's just so fantastic. I really wish I could get into some of the more underground artists, but I know that's not going to happen. Maybe I'll just go into FYE and listen to random CDs before buying them. But until then, I will be completing my Kanye West discography.

"Baby, don't worry about it. Lady, don't even think about it. You worry about the wrong things, the wrong things..."

Kanye is filling the gap in my heart that indie music cannot right now.

"Paranoid" by Kanye West featuring Mr. Hudson: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irBP5FnksKc&ob=av2n

I wish I could DJ for like a radio or something.

forever.

"Forever" by Drake, Kanye West, Lil Wayne and Eminem:  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDuRoPIOBjE&ob=av3n).

My God, I've listened to so much rap this summer. I'd like to have some more rap artists in my iTunes. I'm taking suggestions. I love this song and I don't even care that it's Lebron's song. Remind me all you want about Drew, this song isn't going with him.

Every time I get like this, I want to become so incredible and fantastic. Like to the point when they can't go anywhere without hearing my name, a la Lady Gaga. But I'd rather not take her path to the top. Maybe so I can say something along the lines of "Otis" by Kanye and Jay-Z, "Last week I was in my other other Benz.". I'd like an other other Benz.

Holy Ghost! is touring in New York in the coming months. I'd like to see them, but I believe they're playing at The Bowery. I need two years added onto my person to see them.

I'm starting up my 365 blog again. I need a schedule and I like taking pictures...of myself, so why not?

My phone has a really nice camera, so I'm having fun with noticing random details of my face now.

I feel like my self-esteem is going up or something. Maybe I can stop following stophatingyourbody now.

"Wait and See" by Holy Ghost! off the self-titled album: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcehYrGX8TU

This will be my second tattoo.

I apologize in advance for it being flipped. My webcam always does that. It's kind of annoying.

It says "ZEN", a permanent reminder to me to keep my cool and be intelligent about my decisions. 

save your breath.

Whoops, I didn't realize that my arm hair grew back.

Better fix that.

i never knew i was a techno fan.

There actually feels like there's a gaping hole in my heart right now.

My chest actually feels empty. It's really weird, creepy and unsettling. (Creepy and unsettling are like the same words, aren't they?). I'm still on the verge of tears, even though I said I wasn't going to cry anymore.

Chances are that Drew's lying to me about his phone or he isn't. When he does talk to me, I don't feel like I have any reason to talk to him or anything - important stuff, that is. But then I do realize, that I have to and there isn't getting around it.

I'm just going to flat out ask if there's truly anything going on between us. This shit is just ridiculous and I want closure.

If he truly loved me or anything, which was probably just his dick talking, he wouldn't leave me hanging so much.

I'm willing to go full-out long distance if he is. But my brain says 95% chance he doesn't want to.

11/11/11 update.

He got back together with his first girlfriend. He didn't tell me. I found out through my cousin Kathleen through his younger sister, Katie.

I cried and rendered myself unable to cry anymore.

He contacted me Sunday night and it was nice to talk to him. But...you know.

tell them hug and kiss my ass, x and o.

Have I ever expressed how much I love Kanye West? It's really ridiculous. I feel like such a bro when I do listen to him, like, my swag is turned on so damn high, I am flooding the zone. The title of this blog is taken from his song, "Gorgeous" off his My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. I have a love for rap beneath my whole "I am much indier than thou" self.

If you do listen to the not-so-mainstream songs in my iTunes, you can hear that most of them have a heavy bass line. I like my bass heavy and obnoxious, otherwise it's not a song.

First week of band camp is over. We have a three day weekend because Monday was canceled due to the storm. Am I scared? A little. I've been through a bunch of tropical storms and hurricanes because when we go to Florida, it's usually hurricane season. I'm worried about the damage, but I'm feeling selfish and I'm worried that I won't be able to talk to Drew this weekend.

Chances are very strong that the power will go out, so that means my phone has limited power and my computer has no connection to the internet.

I'm trying really hard not to be clingy, but how does one do that in a long distance relationship? I just want to talk to him forever, but I know I can't because unlike me, he has a functioning social life. It also worries me that he drinks a lot on weekends. Granted, I know there's probably not much to do in the quiet areas of Cincinnati, but I mean, you could drink just below the "getting drunk" line.

Drew says everything really slow and deep. It's made me sit down and think, "Wow, I really do speak fast.".

Anyway. We had an exterminator come and exterminate (duh) the cave critters in the basement. I am a bug killing machine. I killed a mosquito (that crawled away after I curb stomped it and left two legs behind), a cave critter with a swiffer vacuum and a spider in the shower by drowning it. I remember bringing cookies downstairs last night and watched one crawl out underneath the couch. The noises I make.

I also decided should Drew and I ever get ~married (because as a girl, I'm allowed to daydream and fantasize), spiders are going to be a really big problem. He's arachnophobic and if I don't have a water gun, spiders are like fucking charging rhinos.

I want to go to Ohio so bad. It makes me really upset every time my mom says that I can't. My sister was a good call when she said, "Me and Katie can go to make sure they don't get up to anything naughty!!!!!".

Heh.

Really good call. Appreciated, too.

I've been an obnoxious to Timmy in Pit in Marching Band. He's so timid...he reminds me of myself in sixth grade. It's weird...but ginger...and male.

I leave you with two songs tonight.

"The Suburbs" by Arcade Fire off of The Suburbs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAitZuh4ueg

and "Gorgeous" by Kanye West off of My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghc_fc4R1rI

day by day.

And I know that Drew wants to have sex. It's really obvious, I'm just saying.

I know I'm not ready and I know he's using alcohol as a way to loosen me up when I do go to Ohio.

I care about him a lot, but...I really don't know. As much as one can sit around and giggle about sex and talk about dicks all the time, there's no way to actually be ready for this as a teen.

Am I right?

I mean, it's like when you "flirt" with you friends, you're a whiz at it, but when actually flirting, it's like screaming at someone like a monkey.

There's no way he's a virgin, I don't think. Or he's just really painfully, arrogantly confident.

It's my vagina, God dammit.

when i hear those drums late at night, i know i'm in love.

I only get to actually chat with Drew for at a maximum of three hours. The distance between us is six-hundred thirty-three point seventy-six miles, eleven hours and thirty-three minutes by car. It used to be only a couple of feet; his family stayed in Lowenthal, just a floor above our villa.

Of course I memorized it. I'm just that person.

Drew told me, or filled me in, of what really happened when we were sharing a noodle in the pool while in Florida. I'm sure you're all familiar with what a noodle is. It's a flotation device made out of this foamy stuff and usually are really fun coloured, or at least I think so.

This noodle was a "double" noodle and therefore was thicker and big enough for two people. Yet, Drew and I were still sitting on each other.

Drew informed me that he had a boner. (I like how google accepts boner as a proper word, but I've still spelled my last name wrong). When I wasn't paying attention, he tucked it. He said there's two ways, but the other way hurts because you bend it or something. I don't remember. I was laughing too hard.

In short, I give men boners. Boners are weird.

Dry humping is weird.

I like kissing.

I like kissing a lot. Whatever.

the dust is dancing as the music fades.

I came up with a new tattoo idea.

"Euphoria, take my hand" as a "bracelet" on my right wrist. I'm putting my Chinese name on my left forearm. It means a lot of me. That'll be my first one. I wanted to put "forever" on my bicep, but I figured that was too common and stereotypical.

Alright. Goodnight.

the cheyenne line.

Major white girl problems right now: my mother got me the wrong notebooks for school. I don't know; it's the only thing I like about the whole school season, anyway. I got excited to see them, only to know that they're wrong.

Five Star notebooks makes me go unf.

Band camp. What can I say about band camp? I'm feeling obnoxiously confident about my music. I'm playing the glockenspiel and the vibraphone. I'll be playing percussion on the last song "Joy". I could think of a bunch of different things I would love to be doing with my time, like sleeping or playing Dragon Age, but no. Marching band is my life. I know for a fact I'm quitting after this year. I'm enjoying it only after dinner. The work that comes before it is too much. I wanted to fake passing out and go home just because I didn't get a break for the first four hours. It was too much. I had a headache and I was sweating like a pig. It made me wish I was outside, just because there would be some kind of breeze.

I think the bigger problem is that when my mind begins to wander and I begin thinking of Drew, I forget what I'm doing and then Becky yells at me.

I really should be focusing on my studies, anyhow.

I'm finding it hard to make anyone happy. I know I shouldn't care, but how does one please everyone? I guess I'm just stressed, probably over-thinking every step I make. But it's so hard to think past that you honestly can't please everyone and anything you do will not make people happy. I think maybe it's implied that we should all sit in silence and granted, with silence, comes euphoria. Pure ignorant bliss.

Do I want to get out of this town? Yes. Do I want to get out of the state? No. I love New York. I don't feel like I have anything to honestly complain about other than people. The world is so different beyond suburbia and I want to go to college now. Going to college is an experience in itself, I know, but I feel ready for it now. I feel way older than I should.

I have no right to be, anyway. My mind keeps telling me, "Oh, you have a boyfriend now, now you're fifty.". Just when I thought I had turned sixteen. Probably not.

I have nothing to complain about because my life is good. It's such a weird thing to say because I've never really felt consistently happy during the summer. To be honest, I feel more pressured during the summer because I have so many social quotas to meet. If you don't hang out with so-and-so, then so-and-so thinks that you're ignoring him/her and therefore upon your arrival at school, so-and-so won't talk to you or is secretly agitated with you because you didn't meet the amount of times you were supposed to hang out with them.

I love being alone, but I hate being lonely. The summer time, I am never lonely because I never feel the need to be with people constantly. Conversations grow to be inane and not exactly interesting.

Talking is just pointless. I like physical gestures anyway. It might be because I don't particularly like my voice.

I never really expected my first relationship to be long distance. I'm listening to "Long Distance Lullaby" by Stornoway like a mad man. I actually have a whole playlist.

• The End of the Movie by Stornoway
• Our Deal by Best Coast
• When I'm With You by Best Coast
• Long Distance Lullaby by Stornoway 
• Can You Tell by Ra Ra Riot

I listen to it when I get all whiny, clingy and "I miss you" at night. There's nothing I can do but talk about him because that's how I'm currently dealing with the pain. I don't know if it's really pain or just raw emotion. 

And my inability to trust human beings is really getting in the way. I don't want to believe cheating is a possibility, but I know it's there. I don't think he will, but in all seriousness? He's not a bad looking guy and I know other girls are going to trying to get with him. 

I might just being cynical. I'm cynical most of the time.

I only truly trust Jaxson because I know he won't judge me. He'll just love me unconditionally regardless of what happens. I like animals better than people. I said it.

I've rediscovered The Ataris again. It's been way, way, WAY too long. 

"And so it goes, no, we won't let go, if you are alive. Then be truly alive. Just open up your eyes, pay attention to the signs. The colour of this sky in this night".

"We missed the point of living, so caught up in this moment. We threw out all convictions and traded them for substance. This life, you hold so near, will fade in time." 

If I could quote the entire song, I would. But I'll spare you the clogging.

I'm probably going to bed soon, anyway.

My hands reek of cheese.

I also never realized how self conscious I was about my body. I don't know, you don't care, I know. Drew just chills shirtless and pantless all the time. And silk boxers? I don't even own silk underpants.

Enough about underwear.

I leave you with "The Cheyenne Line" by The Ataris.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00T6gyCVopk

AND THE VIDEO THAT MADE ME LOOK THEM UP.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5N1yGXOwek

It's absolutely fantastic World of Warcraft Machinima. If you haven't played the game, you can still appreciate it.

Until then, I sign off.

written in the stars.

With that, I feel awfully lonely. At least I get to talk to him while he's in school.

He won't be home until seven - he's going to the gym.

I really hate distance.

don't try to save yourself, the circle is complete.

I'll have to sit on a story idea until it bakes long enough to find the words to be expressed. I was inspired by "Hold Your Colour" by Pendulum (find it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtD1IpH5a5Q). I wish it wasn't so hard to convey, because I truly like this one. I say this about all of my story ideas...and then they just hit the bottom, never to be seen again. I don't know how I call myself a writer if I can't write a story.

I don't like the idea of being just a poet. I find it lazy and not achieving much. Poems are easy to express because when I do write poems, I write them in the heat of the moment. Of course, I do go back to edit things, but it's pure emotion. I want to be a storyteller. I want to be able to whip up a story no matter where I am and be able to entertain the masses.

Band camp is tomorrow. I remember I went to do marching band mainly because of Rob. Now that I have Drew, I don't want to go anymore.

I mean, for the sole fact that I can punch Rob, that's the only incentive.

My parents said I couldn't fly out to Ohio because they think that this is just a summer fling. I know it's a very real possibility, but I don't want to doom my relationship before it takes off. We talked for about an hour and a half tonight.

It does bother me that I can't be physically with him, just through a screen. I want to cuddle with him, that's all. It's actually wonderful that he respects my boundaries - it kind of gives me a different idea about "jocks". He's not really one, I don't think so.

I don't know. I really like kissing now.

He's really all I can think about right now. I feel so needy, pathetic. He always smelled really good. I know he only sprayed his chest with cologne. I keep smelling it everywhere. Like when I went to go call him in my room, I caught a whiff. It's random.

I remember it being really hard to hold his hand because he's so tall. Drew carried me home from Aury Island.    I just want to go back to Florida next year because he said he'll be going back again.

If he does come to New York spring break, it'll be wonderful.

Okay. I just saw this on tumblr.

If I made out for two hours...

I burned 3120 calories. 

No wonder I was so hungry when I got home Saturday.

Sorry for being so skanky, blog followers.

ocd.

I think the hardest part of society is accepting change.

I'm here to ramble, because one, I have nothing to do, and two, I need to clear my head. My head's all fuzzy and  I can't think straight. It's probably best I empty out before school starts just because I know everything that will happen will just end up flooding on the floor. Like, I'll be in math again and think that I'm learning something, but I'll look at the floor and I'll see all my notes.

Figuratively, of course.

It's almost the end of 2011. Well, not really. I think of the new school year as January, almost. It usually means that my bitchy self comes in. By that, I mean that the frustration of dealing with people and OCD and germaphobia comes in. I made absolutely no progress with it this year. It's so fucking frustrating because there's some people I'm "allowed" to touch and others I cannot. When I want to offer my condolences, my brain hits me in the face and says, "No, you fucking retard, you cannot just go over there and be kind and offer physical comfort because that means you'll just die slowly." What the fuck does that even mean? How did a simple obsession with the atom bomb and World War II lead to fear of radiation of everything?

I have no reason to be afraid of radiation, I don't. I don't even think it's germophobia anymore. It's just me not thinking things straight. I wanted to go to Japan one day, but since the radiation problem...I don't think so.

If I try to just fight through it, it's a nightmare. It consumes my mind and I break out into a sweat. I get headaches until I deal with the problem...which is cleaning everything. I don't know how cleaning something will relieve something of radiation.

Now that I've stated that I have a problem, I can work through it, right? No.

I figured moving out of Long Island would fix it, but I don't want to run away from it anymore. I just want to fix it and be normal. I don't think it's interrupting my life, but I know it's looking bad to other people.

It actually breaks my heart, really.

The irony is that I hate cleaning. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I'm so lazy that I will sit through sweats and headaches then go to clean.

I want to get rid of the problem junior year. This way, senior year will be normal. Then I can be a normal person and live my senior year like I dreamt about in when I was younger. It will be hugs all around and physical contact or whatever. I know I'm stronger than this. But how does one fight change that resides in oneself?

It feels good to get this down somewhere, my head already feels lighter.

I want to be there for my friends at all costs, but this weird shit gets in the way. I might as well just say, "Fuck it. Fuck you ever-so-random selective physical contact fear. I will burn you and then beat you with a spiked bat.".

I thought I was better at balancing friends, but last year proves otherwise. I know this and feel absolutely awful about it.

I thought sophomore year was good, but it's just bittersweet.

I want to change.

I write this in hopes that the release of information, I will be able to change. With the change, I will become a better person. With change, I can breathe easy again.

With change, I am born anew. With change, I am not so pessimistic. With change, I am more accepting. With change, I am me.

I don't feel like I have much time left in my life, which is dumb. It's really dumb. I'm sixteen and I think my life is ending, which in a way, it is. I think I feel this way because I know it'll probably be me to run onto a blade, a la Julius Caesar by Shakespeare.

Because with time, I know someone I love will hold that blade for me, but with no good intentions.

My anger will be the death of me.

I have no reason to be angry.

I have no reason to furrow my brow. I have no reason to lower my eyes to a dull glare at everyone. I have no reason to clench my fists and grit my teeth. I have no reason to feel afraid of the ones I love, because they are human, just like you and I.

And for that, I am sincerely sorry that I cannot reach out to Ali and Michael because my OCD just says otherwise.

It's been four years that I've been locked in the war. I want to be free. It's like being wrapped in hot iron chains. It feels like I'm tied to hot lava. I'm flowing nowhere, because I know death is eminent. It only takes a few more moments before I am engulfed and then I am nothing.

Oh, have I been too discreet?

I finally feel justified in writing love poems now. Not this, "Admire from afar" crap anymore. I guess that Drew lives in Ohio, I do qualify for that, too. I've been listening to Best Coast nonstop, just because it's helping me cope. Some Ra Ra Riot, but only the first album. I'm not much of a fan of The Orchard.

Katie says she might be going to Ohio to play softball there. If she goes to Cincinnati, I will absolutely lose it. I will beg my parents to let me go, now that they know what was up.

I don't even care that Drew may have had sex in the past, at least he stops when I tell him to. There are always boundaries and I'm willing to cross them once I get there. That's how everyone is, right? It might just be me.

I never expected to come down to Florida, my most favourite place in the world, and get my first kiss. On the bench just outside of Shipwatch, no less. But you know what's really great?

When Rob had called me a guy, it tore me apart. Why? Because the guy who supposedly liked me just thought of me as a guy. Not only that, after he called me that, we began to drift. After talking for hours online, the girl inside of me just wanted to cry. Now? I don't care. Drew doesn't care that I don't wear makeup, he likes it better, in fact. Drew doesn't care I play video games, he hardly does, anyway. Drew doesn't care that I don't carry a bag at all times.

So you know what Rob? Fuck you. Fuck you so many times I hope you bleed out of your ass. I hope I have a reason to talk to you, just so I can tell you how wonderful Drew is. Just so I can tell you he might be flying out to see me this year. So much that Jenna looks like a fucking weasel.

You stopped liking me because I had no experience. If you deny it, I will just laugh until I pee myself. As slutty as I did feel, Jesus. I don't even care anymore. I loved every second of it. I don't care who reads this because it's my own God damn fucking blog.

I loved being dominated, I loved being thrown up against walls. It didn't even hurt. I can cross so many things off my relationship bucketlist, basically. I liked being spanked. WHATEVER.

I remained true to myself. Maybe I went a lot further than I originally thought I would, but I was comfortable with it. That's all that matters.

DOMINATION THO

hey said he loved me.

i think it's just bullshit.
but i don't want to believe it's bullshit.
i want him and no one else.

boys.

i'll use this as a spot to catalogue everything that just happened.

august 10 - first date.

back from the ~second date.

but i don’t think it really counted.

he had asked me to meet him in town and we were going to get ice cream and soda, but his family intruded. we chilled on a golf cart.

then we went back to our secret spot on the beach.

i’m in his contacts as caroline :)

yeah.

and he still smells nice.

i know this is a bunch of shit you don’t care about.

but it matters to me.

he almost threw my shoes into the dunes.

and he likes my freckles.

yeah.

okay.

this is when shit gets girly.

i mean, not like it already hadn’t become.

he’s the perfect midwestern boy and i must have him.

i invited him to the boardwalk bash tomorrow.

his hair is soft.

and blonde.

like it’s really blonde.

and he has a cute smile.

basically, unf EVERYTHING.

but the bad parts are:

he’s a bit homophobic (he does go to a catholic school).

and he’s a bit racist.

the weird part is that he carries a knife.

and now he calls me a big booty bitch.

and he doesn’t text real words.

the end.

august 12

drew came knocking on our door this morning.

lalalala.

meeting him at the beach now.

my dog isn’t happy.

nor does he like him that much.

but my dog is a chicken.

AUGUST 13

basically what happened

is we went to an island

and then he was like, i like u y’all

me: but u live in ohio :(((

and he held me and shit

and then i cried

for like ten minutes

i cried

no i actually sobbed

and then he wanted to dance

but i was like

dancing

wat is

and then he carried me back

and it was really dark

and yeah

and then bench time

running away from trams

and then elevator time

yeah

YEAHHHHHHHHHHH

GUESS WHO FEELS RATHER

SLUTAsTIC.

but it’s like

d00d

put that thing back in your mouth

idek

what is even happening

but yeah

that happened

and i can’t sleep

so i’m just going to tell

you

all about it

because i’m like

giggling

and shaking

and eating nervously

and i know you care 

a lot

AND FIRST KISS HAY

today we made out like you've never seen.

or actually, i'm just really painfully awkward.

idek i was groped. 

it was weird.

drew tried to grab my boobs, but i was like, hahahano.

my ass is fine.

idek.

i don't know.

i'm really not coherent at all.

it's weird to be dry humped i don't know.

like what am i supposed to do.

this isn't fun for me.

but mr erratic breath over here is having a ball.

oh well.

i've made out in a pool, underwater, in a forest, on an island and in the rain.

do i win or something?

i think i got a really good guy for my first ~romance.

and first kiss, Jesus.

he's gonna be a star, i know it.

going to the nba.

he says otherwise.

but i know he will.

and that's all i have to say.

destiny of love.

What I am most fascinated by is how one can be inspired by a piece of music to write. I know this is common, but the ability to sense the mood of the song and transcribe it into words is really an incredible feeling. Along with going back to read what you created while listening to the song.

It's like creating a backdrop to a movie scene.

I'm in Florida for the next two weeks. I love coming here, I really do. Besides the fact that I'm really sunburnt on my shoulders and face and I was stung by a jellyfish, nothing could possibly go wrong.

Also excluding the fact that I almost drowned twice in the ocean.

feels like heaven.

I jumped and hit my head on the way down to catch Jaxson before he ran out the door. I fell and went flying, crashing on the ground in a sitting formation. I put some amount of pressure on my left wrist, but I think when I broke it in second grade, it grew back stronger. It's just dull pain now.

I have a funny lump on the top of my head. I hope it really doesn't turn into something serious - not right before vacation.

youtube.

It didn't occur to me until I started playing Dragon Age was how much I like obscure names.

Hence why my first born son will be named Alistair Seth. Wikipedia tells me that Alistair is the corrupted version of Alexandros.

I can't really get away from Alexander, can I?

you're beautiful.

I won't lie, this song is growing on me. I don't know if it's the song itself or the joke that goes behind it. I don't think I'll ever know.

I just finished Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening. What a story Dragon Age is! It really rivals with the lore of Warcraft which is saying a lot. I really love playing RPGs, hence why I used to roleplay so much in eighth grade. I wish someone would understand that gaming is a very strict part of my life. I'll always find time for it, regardless. When I start to like a game, rather known as addiction, it nearly corrupts my thoughts because I have horrible obsessive tendencies.

Dragon Age, a game that changes based upon your choices and dialogue with your companions and other major characters, really stunned me. The immense detail and the orchestration - it's wonderful, really. The character really came alive because they aren't just the same when you talk to them. The world is not the same like in World of Warcraft and therefore it's not as easy to become bored with it.

I mean, with characters like Morrigan and Alistair constantly bickering, it's hard not to laugh. Alistair, the bastard son of a king who proves himself in combat and shows his soft, emotional side, it's awful a guy like him in real life doesn't exist. Morrigan was just a bamf. Her spells were incredible. It might because I didn't have friendly fire, but to conjure a giant inferno and blizzard at once? Amazing!