and we all float on.

I bet you when I come home from London, my standards on how guys should dress will be everywhere.

Really, American men, would it kill you to dress decently? You all make my eyes hurt. Maybe it's just my school.

blogspot, really?

I mean to post this yesterday, but guess which blogging platform crashed last night?

I know for a fact that if it weren't for my friends keeping me in check, I'd be the sluttiest girl in the school. I'm just throwing that out there. I'd also be the girl who was neck deep in alcohol and various other illegal substances. I am grateful.

I'm fighting sleep and I'm also fighting my sub conscience. Quite frankly, I don't know why anyone talks to me or wants to hang out with me anyway. They don't all at the same time. I am ever so worthless and disposable. I'm trying to find reason to my person, but I can't. I work so tirelessly to search for approval from others and yet I can't find approval from myself because I'm working hard to please others. I never knew I did this until recently.

I don't want to fall back into the hole of no personality. People are starting to notice me, I guess (See: Andy, Rob).

All I want to do is punch the wall. I'm angry but I'm content. It's either be a polar opposite and face the consequences or wither away and become nothing.

shut up and move with me, move with me, or get out of my face.

We're going to London in seven days. I'm so excited. I'm seeing Stornoway in London. My first English show! It's such a weird feeling, but here are the aesthetics of the venue. Somerset House is a museum during the day, I suppose. From what I've seen, the show looks like it's in a courtyard. It's located on the bend of the River Thames. If you can give me a cooler sounding environment, let me know.

While listening to "Techno Fan" by The Wombats, the chorus is basically my whole outlook. I never really expected to get into electronica/techno. I don't necessarily listen to techno. There are sometimes gold in the trash heap though. I can't listen to that only, though.

So I decided, my boyfriend/husband better dance with my regardless of how bad of dancers we are. Otherwise, I don't like you anymore.

Stop the engine, stop pretending.

This is Andy, by the way, society.

First row, third from the left. 

DVNO, four capital letters.

I've been listening to a lot of electronica and 80s alternative recently along with some dance alternative. You really don't know a good bass line until you've listened to these genres. They make me so jealous. They aren't horribly fancy, but they make me want to dance. I'm a horrible dancer so these things conflict.

I went to Tracy and Jenna's graduation today. It made me think that in two years, I will be in their position. It's a really scary thought, if you think about it. Three years and I will be going to some college (probably in another state) and living on my own. I'm glad I went, even though I embarrassed Michael the entire time there. "Think about what you're saying before you spit it out!" "NO."

I have a bit of a headache, so I will sign off.

i still believe, it's me and you until the end of time.

Today was the last day of school today. I did so well! Excluding math, of course. I expected it. I'm no good in math to begin with. I sometimes feel like I just give up when walking into math class because I know I won't understand it, no matter how hard I try. I'm just so glad to finally be out of geometry. I'm never going to use it. I know I'm not going to be a carpenter or whatever my teacher had said. I know I'm going into the field of English and honestly, since I've had Fleming, I want to become a teacher just because I know that it is possible to be a good teacher and well-liked. Then again, I don't want to come back to high school anyway or any form of educational system as a form of employment.

My grades were:

• Spanish - 100
• English - 98
• Biology/Living Environment - 91
• Social Studies - 96 (I did better than I thought!)
• Math - 78.

I needed to write that down somewhere. My average is a 94 (so we think). I'm so happy. My grades have shot up seven points since last year. I'm so happy in the academic field, I really am.

Then again, I always manage to screw up my romantic life and so I bring this rhetorical question:

Why is it that all my romantic interests seem to slip out of my grasp?

it took ten years to realize...

We lost in the Chinatown Showdown because we didn't score enough goals. It was really upsetting because I thought we had a lot of promise, even though most of the team hadn't played at all in the past except for three people.

Here are the things I regret:

• Not getting Andy's number.
• Not really getting the ball.

I was so close, too. For both reasons, mind you. 

Let's be honest, Andy treats me like a girl and hasn't been a dickwad to me, which is always really nice and welcomed. The only bad thing is that I'm pretty sure he has at least five years on me and he smokes. I don't like smokers. Another bonus is that he's a halfie, too. I'm meeting all these other halfies and it makes me so happy. I don't feel like the odd one out anymore.

I've reached the point (again) that I don't care if Rob stops talking to me. It's a really good feeling, not going to lie. Every time I reach that point of mental equinox, it's so uplifting. I just had this dream where the Alaskan Bull Boon(censored because a name like that is certain to find it's way to the top searches of google) explained to me that Rob had feelings for this "gluestick". (Me: What the fuck and who the fuck is glue stick?). It turns out it was Crystal. I didn't care and I still don't care.

I'm a gypsy. Are you coming with me?

I just came back from soccer practice with my cousin Ryan and his Greek friend Pete. I today realized why I like talking to guys and being friends with them more than girls and it is ironically because they do not talk. There is just an inbred loyalty to each other and nothing needs to be said. I need that, really.

I haven't said much about the soccer tournament that we're doing in Chinatown. Well, I have been going into Chinatown around eleven with Ryan, Pete and Mark and meeting up with Kawai, Hagan and Jason at the field and practicing with them. We're going to lose and yes, it will be embarrassing, but I love the sport too much to even care what others think about me.

It's also opened many doors to conversing with the male gender because there are only two girls in the tournament. The other girl is named Caroline, too.

Everyone was asking for me last Sunday. I couldn't go. My dad wouldn't let me because I was "so sick". I felt fine, just very sweaty. I would have gotten to that stage if I had been playing that day. But my main point is that Andy was asking for me, one of the Chinese guys on the opposite team.

I'm meeeellllttttiiiiing basically.

I needed to get that down on paper before I absolutely combusted. I have some Geometry notes to scribble out.

i'll bring him down, down.

I'm a fan of really intricate music videos, but when they interrupt it for some soundless break point, it irritates me a lot more than it should. I don't know why. I mean, I just came to listen to a song, but now I'm listening to water  being poured into a pool.

I guess I just reasoned everything out.

Jaxson smells really bad, like he has bad breath and just an all around stink. I wanted to cuddle with him, but his stench is too strong. I'll have to give him a bath when I get home from my global regents tomorrow. Not looking forward to that. I haven't had to wake up early in a really long time and I'm sick. Not going to be fun.

Well, I'm sick, I have my period and I have finals. Someone is out to get me. I hate you progesterone. This will be my life's motto.

I'm going to go to bed now after eating some parmesean. It's just so tasty, but salty. It's not like I haven't woken up begging for water before.

I found out I have fungus in my two pinky toenails. I'm not surprised because I have the grossest feet ever. Ask anyone, really. I also have an ingrown toenail and the doctor today did some fancy thing and extracted some nail and skin hanging out beneath the nail. Now I have to put betamine on it every night after my showers.

Sorry for the lack of English vocabulary, but I'm really tired. I just needed to get this down so I know what I've been doing for the past five days. I've had no inner emotional turmoil besides the fact that my sister keeps calling Rob cute.

Well, fuck you, Catherine, why don't you go and date him yourself?

This happened at the dinner after her dance recital. I didn't even mention him.

Teenage angst, wah.

I really should sleep. But I don't want to.

I accidently kneed Preston in the balls on Friday after our chestbump. I'll be sad to see him leave, too. I later jumped through his legs and it was awesome and strange all at the same time. Preston says I now have Lady Balls.

I mean, I guess I'll never get away from being like a guy. Time to crack some skulls open.

I'm going to rock this Global Regents and I know it.

Some get faith before they die.

I have so much to write about Rob here, I just can't find the words to express what needs to be said.

He's more of an analytical cunt, I guess, as opposed to a dick.

don't care what you do now.

If only this was just as easy with Jesse.

the arrival of the queen of sheba.

Clearly, I am an artsy snob because I enjoy listening to classical music in my quiet time. Playing music during your quiet time kind of ruins the whole idea of "quiet time", doesn't it?

I'm pretty sure there is nothing wrong with this piece. It's just so fantastic.

We're playing it in orchestra and I can't wait until I can actually play it completely through. I want this song played at my wedding, not even kidding right now.

(Listen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TGKJ9MgCOQ)

Going to do a quick little rant about Rob and then I'm out for as long as it is until I write my next entry.

I've finally decided that if I lost your acquaintanceship, I could care less. You are nothing to me. I am nothing to you; the feeling being mutual. Here's when things get tricky. Every time I'm talking to a guy other than you, you find it necessary to walk over and join the conversation.

Look, you're not my "interest" anymore, if you ever were (What am I even saying?). You can leave my life whenever you want and I'll leave yours because obviously I left a mark as big as an ant.

I like how you have to emphasize that you will never cheat on Jenna, as if that wasn't the number one rule while being in a relationship.

Emphasize three times, I should say.

I came to this realization while listening to Oh Land's "Sun of a Gun" all day today. I saw you and I said, "I can do so much better! I don't need you! I don't need this crap." Or in the quick words of Muse's "Muscle Museum": I don't want you to adore me; don't want you to ignore me; when it pleases you.

Oh Land: "Too much of your like make me blind...but you left one too many times. I want to change the orbit, don't care what you do now. I want to live in darkness, don't want to be spun around."

Wait, I was just going to say, "Can I post the chorus?" and then I said, "Fuck, well this is my blog, I'll do whatever the fuck I please, fuck."

You go down, down, down I fall out of love with you Come back round, round, round You sun of a gun You go down, down, down This time I won't save you When you drown, drown, drown You sun of a gun You sun of a gun 

I know, I was never in a relationship with him, but damn, it sometimes felt like it.

I feel lightweight and free. Excuse me, I must go twirl about the basement and be happy again.

sun of a gun.

You know what bothers me? When people are always discreet with their plans. Like, okay, no, I get it, you have somewhere else to be. It doesn't bother me that you have other plans, covering it up does. 


Another thought to ponder. I understand the woman's desire to become equal to men and whatever, but personally, I think, if you are still selling yourself on the streets, you shouldn't have the same rights as man. It's prostitutes and porn stars that make women looks weaker than they actually are, hence why men will continue to dominate.

I mean, when you think of a prostitute or a whore, you automatically think of a scantily clad woman. Never a man. So shut up feminists. End the porn industry and then we can start fighting for a true equality.

temptation.

I'm just going to stay home with my dog and never leave the house again.

when we collide, we come together.

The chorus of this song is like common knowledge, but I don't understand how it can be so powerful with something so basic.

I know I just posted, but I'm looking back at my archive and I'm sitting here crying.

I'm pretty sure everything has taken a turn for the worse at this point.

Everything that has to do with Rob makes me cry. Does this make me a girl now? Does this make me less manly? AM I FUCKING GIRL TO YOU NOW? OR AM I JUST AN ANONYMOUS SON OF A BITCH?

Caps. Okay.

Starcraft Two. I was playing it about an hour ago and a guy's account name was Rob. On the other team? His brother. I flipped for no reason. I felt some obligation to continuously help him and we won. For once. (Hate you random 4v4 teams...). I'm still sitting here wondering if that was him or not. It's not fucking important though.

Then, "Maps" by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs came on iTunes and sat there crying while playing Starcraft. Thank God Michael and I didn't use skype today. We didn't even play Starcraft together today because he has his SAT II's tomorrow in Merrick. Anyway, continuing my horrible capital letters.

I'M NOT SURE WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO TO MAKE ME SOME IMPORTANT ASSET IN YOUR LIFE. I'M NOT SURE WHY ANYONE FUCKING TALKS TO ME TO BEGIN WITH. I'M SUCH AN ASSHOLE TO EVERYONE I MEET AND I DON'T KNOW WHY ANYONE STICKS AROUND. I DON'T KNOW WHY I WANT YOU SO BAD AND I DON'T KNOW WHY GOD HAS DECIDED TO SET SOME TORTUROUS HEART WRENCHING PATH THAT WILL LAST UNTIL YOUR GRADUATE, WHICH IS NEXT YEAR.

EVER SINCE YOU STARTED TALKING TO ME, I WANT TO CHANGE EVERYTHING ABOUT MYSELF. I JUST WANT TO BE A GIRL FOR ONCE, BUT IT'S FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. EVERY SINCE I STARTED TALKING TO YOU, I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT MYSELF. I CAN'T LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND BE PROUD OF WHAT I'M SEEING. I SEE FRECKLES AND MY WEIRD MOUTH AND MY STUPID EYES. I SEE MY HORRIBLE RAT'S NEST OF HAIR AND A CONTORTED BITCH FACE THAT MAKES ME A MAN.

WHY AM I EVEN HERE, REALLY. I'LL JUST BE A SKANKY BLONDE WHORE, OR SOME FAT BAG WITH HER HAIR ALWAYS TIED BACK IN A PONYTAIL.

BETTER YET, WHY DON'T I JUST GO AND GET A SEX CHANGE. I AM A MAN, AFTER ALL.

I DON'T THINK ANYONE UNDERSTANDS HOW MUCH THAT HURT ME. I DON'T KNOW WHY IT DID. I JUST WANT TO CRY EVERY TIME SOMEONE MENTIONS IT.

SORRY I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING PRISSY VOICE. SORRY I'M NOT FUCKING DAINTY. SORRY I'M NOT GOING TO SHOW MY TITS TO YOU BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO. SORRY THAT I ACTUALLY HAVE A BRAIN. SORRY THAT I'M DEFENSIVE AND WOULD FUCKING DESTROY ANYONE WHO TOUCHED MY LOVED ONE'S. SORRY THAT I'M NOT AFRAID TO BE MYSELF WITHOUT YOU. SORRY THAT I WANT TO BE COURAGEOUS AND NOT ALWAYS HAVE MY HAND HELD BY SOME FUCK WHO CAN'T EVEN WALK IN A NORMAL PATTERN. SORRY I'M NOT GOING TO JUMP INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU BECAUSE I HAVE STANDARDS BEYOND YOUR FUCKING PUNY MIND. SORRY I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO MAKE GOD DAMN FRIENDS ALL THE FUCKING TIME. SORRY THAT I'M RATHER INTROVERTED AND FIND PLEASURE IN MY FRIENDS WHO I'VE KNOWN FOR YEARS. SORRY I DON'T LIKE FUCKING SKA BUT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FUCKING CHANGE ME.

NOT NOW, NOT EVER.

I DON'T NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO OR HOW TO ACT. I DON'T NEED TO BE TREATED AS DISPOSABLE. I DON'T NEED SOMEONE TO ALWAYS HOVER OVER ME TO MAKE SURE I DON'T STEP INTO A HOLE OR INTO A KNIFE. I DON'T NEED TO BE DEFENDED AT NIGHT. I DON'T NEED RE-ASSURANCE FROM SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T LIKE ME FOR ME. SORRY THAT I DON'T KNOW YOU WELL ENOUGH TO BRING OUT MY SIDE THAT OTHER PEOPLE SEE; YOU'LL NEVER SEE IT BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS OF A MOTHER FUCKING PINE TREE.

AND YET I SIT UP AT NIGHT, WANTING TO BE TREATED LIKE SHIT AND JUST COPE WITH IT. IT'S WHAT I DESERVE FOR NOT BEING A 'REAL' FEMALE, RIGHT?

haha, yeah, well fuck you.

That feels better.

...where there's music and there's people and they're young and alive.

I guess it's time for my whenever-I-feel-like-it check in.

School's been good. I find myself less interested in everything we're learning as time goes on. I have no desire to study, but then again, who does? My tolerance and ability to study is nonexistent and has been since the end of fifth grade. These mindsets are probably the only thing that separates me from my sister because, you know, we look so much alike and yet people still get out names wrong.

I'm being sarcastic, if you couldn't tell.

The fact that school is also ending is not only relieving, but it's also getting sadder and sadder as time passes. I don't want my friends to leave, but then again, the senior class isn't necessarily the greatest group of people to exist. For example: I'm walking to Starbucks today and then a bunch of them drive past us with their middle fingers up and screaming at us. What glory is granted by that? I mean, it is a very trivial thing to do, like, middle school trivial.

We were all dicks back in middle school; on top of the world which was made of absolute garbage. The fumes got to our heads and we thought we could conquer anything, be anything. The reality of high school hit when you walked in the first day. It was like the front doors smacked you five times in the head and told you, "You want to be a celebrity? A crazy partier? Nope! You're stuck here and you'll live the rest of your life in an office, just like a good suburban kid would!".

But it's not like a living off of partying it possible, unless you live on the Jersey Shore.

The fact that in six years I will be tied down to a living somewhere here with a job and possibly a significant other is scary, somewhat nauseating and frustrating. Negative words because I am a negative person. They say Geminis need to be able to get up and go whenever they please. It would explain my affinity for traveling, even though I haven't done much of it yet.

I don't want to be tied down and I don't want to be trapped within my own world. That's the same thing I know, but the connotation is completely different.

Then again, oh, the irony, I would love to be tied down with Rob. Gross.

I think this quote from the book, American Gods by Neil Gaiman explains my whole situation quite clearly, even if the names are different.

But Essie's love for Bartholomew had turned into hatred for his family...

I get this taste in my mouth and it's actually revolting. My stomach churns and my head gets rather fuzzy. Every time I see one of them, it's awful. Yet, I'm still pursuing him. I need to get out of this state of denial, now.

The road paved ahead is bumpy and fucked up. I hope I'll make it past.