All to avail, all to no avail.

It's funny, considering I was talking about how I recognize that my musical eliteness is a detrimental characteristic to my person. 


My friend Michael and I decided to create a playlist specifically for playing when we go into instances on the game World of Warcraft. I went to take a shower during the middle of creating it because it takes my hair three hours or more to dry completely. (It's still kind of wet right now, to give you an idea of how thick my hair is).


That was a really bad idea. I just remembered how bad his music taste it. He's got some gold in that pile of trash he calls his iTunes. It's all top one-hundred, essentially. The only good music is the music I've sent him. I'm just biased, I think.


You know when you really don't like something that you're hearing and you get this strange feeling in the top of your ears? That's what I'm experiencing for the past couple of hours. I'm sorry left ear, but, I still have to be somewhat social.


I'm currently trying to drown it out with 'Auf Achse' with Franz Ferdinand. 

Sweet silence.

It's very rare for me not to be listening to anything. I am quite the music junkie, I'm afraid. I don't think it's a bad thing, most of the time. It causes me to judge people before I know them. It's mean, but I can't help it. I find that I listen to music mostly outside of my house, to block out the idiotic banter of my fellow school body. At home, it's different. I can appreciate the serenity, until my sister comes home.


Today, I realized how much of a guy I truly am. I can't help it. It's just who I am. I'm just a guy with long hair and tits, basically. I wish people saw me other than that, but, I can't do anything about it. 


Midterms ended today, finally. We're expecting more snow tomorrow night. I'm hoping for a snow day. I just hate working so much.


That's it.

She's tight going, sick of his lies.

I know, I keep changing the fonts I'm using, but I can't decide which one I like the best. I don't need a flashy font, but, I like something that's pleasing to my eye, yet, still so simple. It's hard. It's probably going to be this one, or Times New Roman.


I have finally justified the reason why I don't like horror movies. It's because it's just so unnatural and made to scare you, it's not enjoyable. I like war movies though, I can sit through those and the battle scenes are not really be affected. Horror, on the other hand, is a completely different story.

Take what you want.

My mother was actually going to the doctor, but not right after my midterm.


I just didn't want to give you a ride home.

I'm not your substitute lover.

I really don't like midterms week. At all.

I want so much to open your eyes, but I need you to look into mine.

I don't particularly believe that blogging is a form of escapism. A place to be yourself or anything. I find it as an outlet, someplace where I can simply rant about how horrible my day went, or how he ignored me, or even how great something went today. 


I am nothing more than an angsty teen, begging for release from my high school's bonds. Upon my knees, I beg for something or someone to tell me that it will all be lifted off my shoulders. Put your pen to the paper and write. 


So, I did.


Let's face it. I go to school with a scowl upon my face. My eyes hang low and my brow furrows on instinct. Why? I need to protect myself from those around me. I may love them and care for them with all my heart, but, regardless of how you feel about it, they simply won't care. That's what hurts the most. I have not been turned away by friendship to make me feel this way. Shall I explain more through a quote?

Love is like oxygen. Love is a many splendorous thing, love lifts us up to where we belong, all you need is love! - Christian, Moulin Rouge!

I wish I could believe in something so simple, but, it is impossible. To have your heartbroken by many and to come to realization that they will never know, nor will they care, is not a pleasant thing to carry upon your back. To know that you act more like a guy than your best male friend is never comforting either. 


My name is Caroline, fifteen, and a want to be writer. 


This is a diary, shielded from those I know. A place where I can come to and blog until I'm crying. Powerful writing or just the stripping of time? 


I find myself very self-sufficient, the part of me that I hate the most. Yet, I want to be protected by a male. 


In short, I am a hopeless romantic who gets worked up over the smallest things. 


People you will hear about in this diary very often are my best friends Ali, Tracy, Jenna and Michael. Love interests, otherwise known as crushes past and present involve: Michael, Chad/Jesse and Rob. People whom I despise include people such as Natalie and Liz. Oh, the list will continue to grow and thrive, unfortunately.


I have a general dislike for the human race. I cannot find myself to trust them unless they are truly pure, great human beings.  I must have Holden Caulfield Syndrome or something. 

I can't seem to find a reason to continue this.

I don't think I am.

I've lost interest in blogging. Lord.

You climb out of the chimney and meet in the middle, the middle of the town.

I'm beginning to find it easier to hate than to love.

I made an excuse, you found a new way to tell the truth.

I am not being a bitchy female because of hormonal reasons. I am literally filled with rage. I do not want to talk to anybody. I just want to go find some random guy on the street and punch him in the face, get a couple battle scars.


No, actually, I just need to take out my physical violence on somebody I despise. I know this isn't a healthy way of thinking, but, I can't help it.


I wanted to go to Michael and Ali's band recital, but, I can't. I planned on doing this for weeks, but, YAPP says nay. I generally wouldn't be this mad, and I'm not really sure why I'm mad. On top of all this crap that is driving me crazy like Holden Caulfield, it makes me want to cry. I am one pathetic human being.


Part of me wants to believe that this stress is coming from midterms week just around the corner. Part of me blames this on Rob. Part of me blames it on my intolerant personality. 


The past two days I came home, went downstairs into this very room I am typing this in and played 'Blackout' by Muse. I crawled onto the couch with that unicorn pillow pet which I so adore and sobbed into it. I don't know why I hate everyone and everything so much. This is so awfully sudden.


I don't deal well under stress and pressure, I know this for a fact. If there is something I want to do, if I don't do it, I'll be horribly upset for weeks to come. 


I feel like I've returned to my seventh grade self. That's a horrible thing.


I wish I had the desire to do my thirty day challenge. I don't want to do that anymore.

I am a seagull, you are the arctic ocean.

It recently occurred to me that fighting homophobia and fighting for gay rights is our equality movement, like how they fought for black rights in the 60s. I wonder if anyone noticed this. 


Today, we raided my cousin's t-shirt stash for his band. I feel like a secondhand vendor because most of the stuff I collected today is going to other people tomorrow. It's a weird feeling.


I love Stornoway, and I thought I would let you all know that. If someone could buy me their album, Beachcomber's Windowsill, I might love you forever.


Day 7: How you came across tumblr, and how your life has changed since joining:


This isn't tumblr, but, whatever. I found it through my Franz Ferdinand fandom. I used to check a specific blog for new images every day, until they stopped posting. I figured, why not join? It can't hurt. I now basically sit on tumblr all day for the most part, and I find it the ultimate distraction.

baby, my heart's been breaking.

I haven't titled this, and I don't think I will. 

'i wanted to write you a poem,

just to say how much you mean to me.

but, for my mental reference.

i'll lock this one away in the cellar,

along with my heart.

this winter's been colder

the nights are starless

my hands tremble out for someone

something

i grasp ghosts

my lack of attention

to detail and

proper english

lets me focus all my need

upon you

i never thought i

write you a love poem

but you cross my mind

you chivalrous knight

more than it rains here

forever i'll sit here

and dream of a life

for the both of us

but you're never here

you've never been

but i can pretend

bodies splayed across warm sheets

the sun hitting

but the desire to wake

has never existed in utopia

before heavy clouds roll in

aging us beyond our own belief

and we'd laugh

because we can't believe

that we've traveled so long.

before you detonate

and leave me behind

i can cherish what i never had

cradle the dreams i wanted

live the lie in which i became

'cause the seasons will change

as well as my ability

to feel

to live

to love

and i want you to know

you're beautiful

in every dimension possible

to say not

is a sin'

A moment of love.

I have to inform you all that I really have fallen for Ewan McGrergor and that I have been pronouncing his name wrong. Phonetically, it's Yoowin. So, I suppose it's kind of like YOU WIN! But, quite frankly, Yoowin looks cooler than Youwin, just an opinion.


I'm being swamped by AP World, so, like a possibly pretentious blogger, I apologize for not updating very often. I know you all are quite fascinated with my teenage escapades. I say this with it all stained with sarcasm, of course. I've got a couple more units to do and then I have a bunch of definitions to write out. It won't be fun at all.


My future puppy was born January 14th, 2011 to a litter of ten males and three females. Thirteen puppies in one litter! That's incredible.


Yesterday and today, Ali, Liz, Michael and I (Although he wasn't here today), had a movie night. I haven't really sat down to watch movies with anyone in such a long time, so I really enjoy doing that. You wouldn't have guessed it, but, the plan for this weekend was to find a bunch of movies with Ewan McGregor in them and watch them. I guess we've sort of succeeded. Yesterday we watched Big Fish and today was Deception. I highly recommend both. 


I've also decided that Michael will be a very amusing drunk person. Well, collectively as a whole, I think we all decided that should he ever get drunk, he'd be the one on the table screaming. I've never seen him hyper due to sugar/caffeine. I didn't even know how to react, honestly.


Day 4: Write about your closest friends.


They're awesome, really. I've honestly never felt so accepted by a group of people since I met them. 


sup guise.


Day 5: Tell us your favourite three colours.


Purple, green and blue.


Day 6: Tell us your favourite season and why.


My favourite season is Spring because everything is so awfully new. It's the perfect interface between Winter and Summer and it isn't brutal in the slightest. I always take note of the air because it feels so clean and the Sun is never too harsh. I don't know, I always feel the best in Spring. Let's not take into account that my birthday is in May though. Maybe the season in which you were born, you just have a natural tendency to like it more.

Click.

I wish I didn't have to be so angry all of the time. 


I'm currently watching I Love You, Phillip Morris, and it's the greatest movie I'm seen this year, so far. It's pretty strange, but, I love it overall. I'm waiting a bit before I watch it completely.


I spent all today just doing school work and breaking for World of Warcraft and Starcraft 2. This is clearly the life.


Day 2: Talk about piercing/tattoos, if you have any.


I only have my ear pierced. The pain was too much for me as a little kid (I had them pierced when I was in first grade) and I don't know why I would put myself through that again. It's just memory, I realize, and chances are I'm just over exaggerating it all. 


I kind of want a tattoo, but, a very small, noticeable only to me for the most part. Just on my wrist. I'm thinking either 'Glorious', 'Citizen Erased' or 'Wake Up', some of my favourite songs. I kind of want to put 'Auf Achse' on my ankle because it means 'On the road' in German. It kind of makes sense.


Day 3: Your Favourite Television Program:


Doctor Who. Hands down.

Yes, there's love if you want it, don't sound like no sonnet, my Lord.

I've been pondering this thought today and I'm starting to believe I think I might go through with it. I might start to just videolog my day. I made a thank you video for my followers on tumblr the other day and I began to think about how much I actually liked making videos. Of course, there's not much to talk about considering this is a diary blog. I also don't need my folks to find it on youtube or something. That would be bad.


I couldn't sleep last night. It wasn't necessarily my thoughts, I just couldn't sleep. I just wanted to eat pizza at three in the morning. I can't sleep on an empty stomach or on a crave. I really can't. It affected me negatively today. I took my headphones off my night table, fully functional. Actually, no, not fully functional. Only one headphone speaker works, but, it's better than nothing. All my electronics have been dying recently, it's not fun. The point is, from my front door, down my driveway and to the bus, my headphones managed to break. I had no music today and quite frankly, I was very upset. I wanted to listen to Interpol this morning, but, that didn't really come to happen. I had to listen to all the idiotic banter of my school today. It doesn't compare at all with Paul Banks voice. 


Which reminds me, I had a nightmare that the day before the Interpol concert I am going to with Tracy and Jenna, that it snowed in and we had no way to get to the concert. Basically, I just cried the entire dream. Or nightmare. I'm going to call it a nightmare because if weather ever conflicted with me seeing one of my favourite bands, I would just cry all day. You can't stop me.


I decided also that I might just buy the 160GB Classic style iPod as opposed to getting my iTouch repaired. I never thought I'd ever actually say that. It makes more sense to me now that my money sources are almost dry. I still remember the feeling when I got my iPod. I almost cried. I also remember that the first song it ever played was   a song by Green Day off of the American Idiot album. I didn't like Green Day as much as I used to at the time, so, I was pretty much infused with rage in such a short amount of time with my baby. 


Besides all of this, school was pretty good. Went fast for the most part. The only thing I'm worried about is my math test. I don't know how I did on it and this will be the exam that decides whether or not I need a math tutor or not. I like my math tutor and everything, but it makes me feel so stupid. I hate that feeling.


I'm starting to learn how to play 'The New' by Interpol on my bass. (LINK TO SONG: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbH0mGInEFs)

And I stopped doing that celebrity challenge thing. It was too horrible. I started a new one.


Day 1: Your middle name and how you feel about it:


I like my middle name to a certain extent. I could think of a bunch of other names I'd rather have in place for there, but, I like it. It's my mother's middle name, so I share that with her. I mean, 'Marie' is pretty plain and kind of Italian. 


Can't always get what you want.

The gurgling noise of the fish tanks behind me.

I really wish I could blog right now. There's just nothing for me to say and I feel like I'm letting people down if I don't blog.


Day 9: A photo of a celebrity you would love to be best friends with.

Andrew (Fucking) Knowles.

How wonderful life is now you're in the world.

I'm probably going to have a Moulin Rouge marathon with myself so I have an excuse to cry at the end of the movie. I actually don't know why I feel like crying, but, it's whatever. Let me just get it over and done with so I don't have to deal with that tight knot at the back of my throat. You know, when you feel your whole face swell and heat up, and then your eyes start to burn with tears. Really uncomfortable. 


I could sit here for hours explaining the sensation working its way up to crying. I find it fascinating.


Today, or yesterday, rather, I went to the mall with my sister. Probably the stupidest thing I could have ever done. Originally, I felt bad for her because she had nothing to do, and since I was going out, I figured that the correct, older sibling move to do was to invite her. I gave her time to look around, but, in my book, if you haven't found anything you like in the store in the first five minutes, you're not going to. The store can only be so big and the women's section so tolerable. In short, she was curt and called me a bitch about the whole situation. Hell, I could have just gone to the Apple store and left, but, no, I tried to be nice. 


Never going to do that again.


I got two v-neck shirts, one in this light navy blue colour and the other one in sort of a dark mauve colour. I think mauve might be turning into my favourite colour now. I also got purple nail polish along with Brandon Flower's CD, Flamingo. The cashier at Hot Topic, the place I got it, mentioned that I have delicate hands. I'm still thinking about it. That store freaks me out just a bit, so, anything that the workers say to me always has me thinking about what else that could mean. 


I finally did my thank you video for all my followers on tumblr. It took a while and some nerves, but, I'm glad I did it. The twelfth take of it was the one I posted. TWELVE. I really hope my parents didn't think I was talking to myself. Then they'd really start thinking that I was crazy.


I have a whole lot of AP World to do tomorrow, I should probably get some sleep. I'm kind of afraid to go to sleep right now because I'm afraid I'll wake up sick. I always get sit while I'm sleeping. I don't understand it. At the hospital today, there's apparently a sickness that hit our floor and the one below it. I wasn't allowed to go into specific rooms without proper gear, so, it's not really the most reassuring thing you could hear early in your day. 


I later told Tracy and Jenna all about this. I'm glad it's only three hours though, otherwise, they'd be pushing it.


Volunteering, that is. Jenna let me borrow The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by (Going to have to look this up) Douglas Adams. I've always meant to read it. I just have to finish Brave New World and then get it back to her in a reasonable amount of time. I guess that means I get to read before bed now.


Day 8: A photo of your favourite Disney stars.


I have no favourite Disney stars. Gross.

You're impossible to figure out.

My day had a fantastic ending. I'm going to be sobbing on the last day of school this year. I don't want Tracy and Jenna to leave D:. It's not fair. Why do I have to be younger than them!? I told Tracy flat out that on the last day, I will latch onto her leg and not allow her to leave or go to any of her classes, or, I will go into the school records and change everything so she is not allowed to graduate until I do. Hmmph.


I possibly wrote the best DBQ essay for social studies in my entire existence. I've never felt so proud of something in my life. I wrote it and had three minutes to spare. I used seven out of the eight documents without hesitation. I'm kind of tempted to teach myself another lesson, I really understand this chapter. My teacher claims that she will go over the chapter with us eventually before midterms, but, I don't believe her. She's really noncommittal to anything. In addition to this, I found out that I don't have to beat out a sketch this weekend. I have my last sketch which is due on the eighteenth, and that'll be my last one for this art. Then, I move onto sculpture.


Tonight, I watched the BBC programme Sherlock with my friends Tracy and Jenna and their friend Kim. As always, I found it really easy to connect with Kim because we're both Chinese. I have recently discovered that there is some secret bond with all the Asians in my school and we can talk to each other as if we've known each other for years. I have to say, that show is a lot better than I originally expected. It's really entertaining and requires you to think, even if you think you aren't going to solve the mystery yourself.


I've got to volunteer at Winthrop tomorrow. I haven't been there in two weeks. Should be fun trying to get back into the sway of things.


Day 7: A photo of a celebrity you would love to trade lives with.

KAKA. I WANT TO PLAY SOCCER FOR A LIVING (SOMETIMES).

Spectacular Spectacular.

I've really never loved a musical so much in my life. If you haven't gotten the chance yet, sit down and watch Moulin Rouge. I really can't stress it enough. You will laugh, you will cry and you will sing. You know a bunch of the songs in it, they just changed the lyrics to some. 


I've been feeling really down recently, I don't know why. I feel like it's a result of the fact that I have to spend about two-hundred dollars in the next couple of months. I'm not looking forward to that at all. I would have to spend less, but, I cracked the screen of my iTouch today, so, that's going to add onto the price tag. I know it. It's not a very big crack, but it's one of those spidery ones. Lame.


Of course, it's a bunch of other things, but, I don't really have the time to delve into them right now. Maybe tomorrow. I'm not feeling very well right now.


Day 6: A photo of a celebrity who you would like to have a kissing scene with if you were in a movie with them.

Ewan McGregor (I fell for him way too hard in Moulin Rouge). Only if he was playing Christian though...

You will know.

"Worst Enemy"


'The parasite is myself.
It claws
and duplicates.


I want to lash out.
Destroy and asphyxiate.
But, all I can do is lie.


Hide behind my shed molt.
Dig at my flesh with chemicals.
The burn is orgasmic.


I have never experienced
such poison.
I am alive.


My strength decays.
I am my own
three capitals.'


THIS IS CURRENTLY UNTITLED AND A WORK IN PROGRESS. I KNOW SOME OF YOU PEOPLE READ MY BLOG SO I WOULD LIKE SOME FEEDBACK. DO NOT TAKE AND CLAIM AS YOUR OWN WORK.


It's also the first story I've written under my pen name.


This is so lame...but: Written by Jacqueline Odessa.


"What a quiet being." She thought, contemplating all the times she could recall him shouting in her ear, "I'm actually rather surprised to see his gob shut." She pressed a hand to her cold ear, the sounds returning again.


Now, she felt like the odd one. Sneaking into someone's house in the middle of the night. She was to be in his position, not the other way around. She dodged his traps and armed weaponry to end up on his floor in ecstasy. But, not in any sexual form at all. He didn't even know her.


She'd been dying her whole life. The optimum place to finish last was here.


Her face contorted and she began to laugh hysterically at absolutely nothing. As ridiculous as her body felt, her mind was taking a holiday. The air, which she believed, was loaded with Huxley's soma.


The sheets ruffled as her turned over on his side, his face was smashed against the pillow. She snapped back into reality, wanting to get closer. She felt as if she was viewing a zoo exhibit. Her hands grasped at the hair, groping for something, but found nothing. They followed her body's whim to stand, but, her legs were in refusal.


Feedback is really greatly appreciated. 

You see, I've forgotten if they're green or blue.

"Your eyes are the sweetest I've ever seen!" is probably my currently most favourite lyric out of all songs I know right now. It's because of Moulin Rouge, and I can tell you that honestly, without any hesitation.


I could have had a better day today, but, now that it's done, there's not much I can do about it. Tracy's been venting to me about a lot of stuff recently and I feel so bad for her. It's not even in a pity sense either, never like that. I went through the whole thing last year, and I know exactly how she feels. There are only slight differences, but, I'll try and condense it for you. 


Last year, I didn't go out much. I stayed home and gamed all day, and honestly, I had no problem with it until February. I loved staying home, and I still love staying home. As corny as it sounds, it allows me to relax and be myself without being judged by others. I love my family, most of all the time. I've stated before that my father is one of my best friends, as lame as that could sound. Without them, I honestly don't know where I'd be at this point. When my extended family and I get together, I'm in such a good mood the next two days, nothing can bring me down. Really.


My point is, it got to a point where I said, "I'm a teenager. I'm supposed to be going out and doing stupid shit. I'm supposed to be doing x y and z. I've sat in the basement on my computer for the past six months. What is going on?". I got depressed because I realized that I was doing none of this. I didn't necessarily get completely emotional about it, but, it bothered me. Now, I find myself going out all the time.


I find this a good thing, and sometimes a bad thing. If I do want to stay home, I feel rude by not going out. I don't hate going out, but, I feel as the time I had to myself is now gone. I've now shortened my going out days to Friday and Saturday and Sunday being my 'me' day, if that makes sense. I do some homework and I do whatever I want. Learn a new song on the bass, read, write.


That really wasn't condensed, at all. 


I've lost all tolerance at this point. I saw Natalie today and she was being an idiot, like always, and I faked smiled, like for Jenna. It was disgusting. I found myself making a face and rolling my eyes as I passed her. Enough is enough. I wish I didn't feel like I have to walk around hating the world, I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't. But, my outlook is so skewed, I don't know what to do.


I'm starting to think that it's because I hardly vent other than through written words. Even on there it's vague and requires thinking, but, it relieves some of it. I have only two people I can vent to with out a worry that they might go off and tell another what I said. 


I need to complain, but, I try not to.


I'm working on a new short story, I'll post it in another one because it might take up a bit of space. In that some post, I'm going to post another poem. Consider it a literature post. I think I might use a pen name instead of my own. I changed my name on my Blackberry to it, just to see if I really do like it. I decided on Jacqueline Odessa. 


Day 4: A photo of your favourite rapper:

Kanye West


Day 5: A photo of a celebrity who's hair you would like to have:

Emma Watson

She's got you high.

First day back to school after break. It was actually pretty nice and easy. I'm not fond of Monday's, but, this one was alright. I can't really complain at all.


I had an awesome breakfast and that usually kicks me off to an awesome day all day. You might think, "So, why don't you just have breakfast before going to school then?". It's a bit more difficult. I love my sleep just as much as I love my food, but I love sleep just a tad bit more than eating. I sleep in too late and it just never ends well because I'm rushing out the door and forgetting various things I have to do prior to leaving.


I got a ninety-five on my science test that I didn't even know about. I'm really happy about it. Science is looking better for me, now. Maybe I'll get into honours chemistry, but Michael says it's really hard. It sounds really hard and complicated. I need more honours and APs to add to my transcript. It'll give some sense of security. I just want to go to a good college for English. Is that so much to ask for? Apparently, yes, it is.


I have to study for English Thursday, and math. It seems like so much. I just want to sleep. Chinese studying and school ethics Caroline is back in session.


Day 2: A photo of a celebrity that you would marry if you had the chance.

Alex Kapranos.


Day 3: A photo of a celebrity that you would go gay/lesbian for.

Karen Gillan.

He's a wolf in disguise. But, I can't stop staring in those evil eyes.

...That boy is a monster! I find myself gravitating towards Dominic Howard lately, as opposed to Matthew Bellamy. (I have these internal debates, you know). I saw this one video of him with this song playing and I honestly can't get over it. I'll post the link to it, maybe you'll understand it. I'm not talking down to anyone, but, if you are kind of repulsed by fandoms, then, I highly suggest that you do not click the video. 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9BzX3_6r7M

In addition to brown hair blue eyed men, I like blonde guys, too. I blame Alex Kapranos. Then again, they've also ruined my standards for men because quite frankly, nobody around here is coming to school dressed as edgy as they are.


I feel like that video is just a bank for when I need to watch the video itself. I mean, when I write I guess backwards romance short stories, I have to place a male that I know in the story. It starts out like a little play in my head, the problem is, once I sit down to write it, I can never get it to come out the way I want to. There's such a small time frame I have before I completely forget what I want to write about. 


So, thank you, all of you unaware people for being the stand-ins for my characters. You will never know who you are.


I slept over Ali's yesterday for New Year's. The first thing that happened to me in the new year was that I dropped my phone in the toilet. I win.


I've got a bit of work to do today, so, I'm going to run before people start coming over.


I also can't believe I finished a thirty day challenge. I usually give up a couple days in. I'm proud of myself...so, I'm starting another one!


Day One: A photo of your favourite band:

Franz Ferdinand! 

Drive faster, boy.

I wish I took that chance to see The Killers when they were playing at Jones Beach. Now they're on a hiatus, and I feel as if they'll never go back on tour. Maybe I'll get to see Brandon Flowers' solo project. He's pretty good on his own, even though if he sounds exactly like The Killers. Of course, it's not his fault because he's the singer. I take these things into consideration.


Today is New Year's Eve and it will be the first time I am not celebrating the evening with any member of my family. I will be spending it with my friends Ali, Michael and Liz. I'm really excited, but, I must sit through a dinner of 'fake' Chinese food with my Italian relatives. It's not much of a drag, but, they always ask me why I'm not eating. Quite frankly, my stomach is made of steel, but it can only process so much.


Two days ago, I found out that Rob is going out with Jenna Starr. (FUCKING BITCH). I'm actually not mad or surprised. I was actually predicting it, but, I never say anything. My reaction is not towards their relationship at all. I just particularly do not like Jenna at all. Clearly, she is a poser. She doesn't like my music, but, even I can see it. You don't just suddenly start to like music just because your friends do.


It happens to be one of the negative aspects of the marching band. Just an opinion.


I went into the city (Manhattan) last night with my Italian family. We are were tight knitted, as you can see. It was kind of embarrassing, because my family was obnoxiously loud that night. It was only because my two cousins Joel and John were drunk. Not visibly, of course, but you could tell by their actions. I hate that.


There was once this man named Terry who was once my friend, but, he ticked me off about the whole Rob thing. I don't talk to him anymore by choice. He continues to message me and has yet to get the message. He doesn't talk to the rest of my family, and that's how my family got obnoxiously loud. They think he is a pervert, which he is. I'm not going to lie about.


It came to the point where my dad jokingly said that they were going to fly out my cousin John with a butter knife to kill him. My family is way too overprotective. It makes me scared of what they're going to do when I actually do have a boyfriend.


My dad also said that I have to find someone tall, otherwise, they're going to be intimidated by my father's height, which is six foot two inches.


Meh. I really need to finish my entries before leaving the house.


Day 30: Your highs and lows of this month.


Highs: I wrote an awful lot. This month actually hasn't been too good for me.


Lows: My future car was totaled. I dropped my phone in the toilet and broke it. My AP grades plummeted. I had more mental breakdowns than I honestly would like to admit to myself.