If only I could get her out of the picture, then he would know how much I want him.

This song comes on in the most perfect of times, I swear. ('Boyfriend' by Best Coast). So, please excuse me while I wallow around in my sadness. 


Today, I wished that I had never had met Rob, then, I wouldn't have to deal with this stress at all. I wish that nobody new the Starr's in Manhasset and I wished I never quit marching band. Everything that mostly out of my control is weighing me down and I don't know what to do. I feel like if I ever vented to anyone about this entire drama thing (Which, I feel like I've invented in my own head, for God's sake) I'd start crying my eyes out. I can't deal with that. I just want the year to end. I will take on the stresses of junior year in all of it's intensity if it meant that I didn't have to deal with this anymore.


I literally feel my heart in agony. It's so tired and begging me to stop. My heart rate has been through the roof lately to the point where my chest is visibly pounding and it's kind of repulsive. I just want to give up at this point. I'd be a much happier person, and I know this for a fact. 


I just returned back from my sister's band concert in which I wanted to sleep through the entire thing. I don't mind band, it's just that their concerts go on forever and they put me to sleep. They might have chipped away at my love for jazz. My dad thinks the late night jazz band was good, but I beg to differ.


In addition to my band concert experience, there was this little boy who kept saying 'boo' to me with a pacifier in his mouth. It was one of the most adorable things I have ever seen in my life. 


My school day could have gone so much better. 'Dreams' by Fleetwood Mac and 'Mr. Brightside' by The Killers almost led me to tears in math today. I realized that music only really makes me cry or leads me to that point if I'm overly stressed out. This. Isn't. Good.


I would also like to make it a point that I'm tired of being everyone's second choice. This pertains to Michael and Rob, thank you very much. If you really gave a damn about me, you would make it a point. Just because other people are ignoring you, and I am not, then I don't want to hear about it. I don't want you coming to me because you need to look like you have a somewhat decent social life. 


I'm sick of people getting into my personal space bubble. I wish someone could read my face when I get to that point. I hate being on the inside of circles, my back to the lockers with people surrounding me. I feel so trapped. My breath becomes short and heat rises to my face and I begin to feel light-headed.


It pains me to say this, but, I want to graduate. I really want to graduate and get out of this mess. I want to go to Oxford or NYU or Cornell. The thing is: I don't want to grow up. I really don't. I don't want to have the stress of having to care for myself and then manage to keep a bank account. I want to be able to go out when I want and know that I'll still be cared for. idontwanttogrowupidontwanttogrowupidontwanttogrowup.


I would be lying if I said I'm not listening to blink-182 right now. Of course, it's the lame 'I miss you' kind of garbage. Oh Thomas DeLonge, I miss Angels and Airwaves you.


By the way, I decided by the end of this year that I will get into some sort of physical fight. Just so I can cross it off my bucket list. I just want to know what it's like. I want to know the pain, the adrenaline and the sweat. I know I'm not the strongest person ever, but, I'm not expecting to win. I want a beat down. I guess that makes me a masochist. (Long story short: Jumped on Preston's back and hooded him, tackled down to the ground).


I'm so strained, tired and cold. Yes, cold. I want to cry, but I won't allow myself that pleasure.


Day 07: Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality. 


I'm a Gemini, the twins. (I find it funny now, I know so many twins it's ridiculous). When I read horoscopes, part of me wants to believe that this will all happen, it's all true, but, the saner part of me knows better and says it's all a load of bullshit, move along now. 


I mean, how could your entire fate be planned out in the stars? I just don't believe in that garbage.