you'll know that i couldn't love any other.

I am so happy at my college. I can't stress this enough. I love the location, I love the people and I love the life. At times, although, it can be overwhelming and exhausting, but I would take it over being in the middle of nowhere and the only entertainment being drinking. It's finally lost its appeal to me. More because Patrick was hospitalized last Friday and it was so, so, so scary. He was unable to form coherent sentences, nor tell us what he was studying or where he lived (however, he strangely was very capable in rattling off his student ID number).

I had come back from transporting myself to Mars and hung out with Jessica and Hunter in my room. It was a lovely time, really, just chilling relaxing to music. I was kind of upset because Evan's girlfriend didn't really like me at the time (we're working things out as I type this) so I didn't want to stay over at his room. Not that anything would have happened between us, but I didn't want her to infer anything. We're just really good friends. I like Evan a lot, and I think he deserves the world. Teresa, however, thought that he still liked me and was rather upset that we were hanging out again. I said hello to them both and I got the coldest reception from her. She was later arguing with Evan and she said, and I quote, "Why don't you go snugs with Caroline?" and walked away.

It was uncool, especially because I don't like Evan in that manner. I just care for him a lot. He comes to talk to me a bunch and that Friday, he started crying. He was so distraught over Teresa and I felt so bad. They worked it out, though, and I'm glad. Teresa invited me to sit with her and Sarah at lunch so that was lovely. I got to talk to them about television and music and we're probably going to hang out this Thursday (with all things implied about a Thursday evening).

But anyway, I walked back from Evan's room that Friday and when everything started happening, I went to Hunter's room to help him out. He had come back and said that Will and Patrick had gotten arrested for public intoxication, however, Joe has no idea what he's talking about, so there's that. They were fine, just nowhere to be found until they barged into Hunter's room. Patrick and Will finished a whole bottle of Jack Daniel's together and then subsequently smashed the bottle all over the floor. God, I hate drunkards.

I was being matronly to Patrick, who was in tears, too. I told Hunter to get help because Patrick was so bloody sick. He was vomiting for two hours, unable to move from his bed unless it was to the toilet. The night was later filled with security and this EMT guy. He was carted out by an ambulance and I told Hunter to give me three seconds to put on pants, but they left before I could get back. He was at the Presbyterian Hospital until 8am. Patrick didn't come back until noon the next day. He said that they kept sticking him with the needle, about twenty times, because his blood wasn't flowing. He has yet to call his parents, which is fucking dumb because they're going to receive a bill in the mail with no explanation. He broke his phone, too, in his drunken antics.

One of the RAs had to do a write up, and I don't think it'll end in punishment just because I think there's like a health amnesty thing or whatever. But when Hunter heard that there was a write-up, he started to tear up which was more shocking than anything.

Saturday, me, Jess, Alex, Leah, Javier and Hunter went to the Brooklyn Night Bazaar which was worth every moment we spent in the rain and on public transportation. There were a bunch of stands selling all kinds of simple jewelry, teas and clothes. The food was really tasty, and the music was awesome (King Holiday was a personal favourite of mine). Darwin Deez was playing that night, too, but he wasn't to go on until 12:30 AM and we needed to get back before the one train really crapped out on us. Alex ended up meeting him so it wasn't a total waste, you know?

We all got dressed up real nice for it. Like dresses, makeup, shit like that. Jessica had a ball doing my makeup and I enjoyed putting on a dress and accentuating my feminine body for once. Hunter walked in to my room when we were about to leave and was speechless. So, that was kind of nice.

I don't really know if I'm developing feelings for Hunter, but I really hope not. I like being friends with him and I don't want to ruin it.

But then again, it would be nice if I liked a nice guy for once. Even though he gets on my nerves sometimes.

In other news, I think I might be an English and Economics major with a minor in sociology. I just need to surpass the whole calc part of economics. I have faith in myself, but I don't want to lose my scholarship at the same time.

I feel like I'm always writing a paper for one of my classes this semester. I don't mind it, but I just kind of want to veg out at night. It's really difficult.

I'm just really lazy, honestly.

I have Chinese in an hour and I'm just really tired. I have orchestra from 7:15 until 8:45. It's like my day never ends.

In unrelated school news, my OCD is back. Or perhaps I wouldn't say "back"; it's more of a flare-up than anything. I realized it's triggered when I lose order and control on things in my life, in addition to my awful germaphobia. I know I should see someone about it and I don't know, get medication or whatever. But I don't want medication for it. I don't want to talk about it, but I know I should. I've had two panic attacks in the past month alone and they are the worst. I can't even explain them to people without breaking down into tears.

I'm so blessed to have a roommate who gives a damn about me. She's called me during my panic attack and calmed me down.

Like always: I need a nap.

friends with tired eyes.

Winter break was a welcomed pause in my academic year, but has been prolonged. I'm working a lot, which is awesome, but I'm a perpetual state of exhaustion. While I have the time to recover on my sleep and just simply relax, I feel I cannot. There's a lot I want to do in a day and I know I can't do it all, but I still try. I want to write; I want to learn all the lyrics to Young the Giant's album; I want to finish Bioshock; I want to work out. See what I mean? I don't have all this time to do that.

This week I'm working four six hour shifts, which again, is awesome, but is extremely taxing. To remember all the produce codes and specific customer etiquette is overwhelming. I don't do well with stress. It only makes me angry and subsequently sad.

I was happy to come home to see Michael and Tiffany. Now, January fourth, two-thousand-and-fourteen, I'm not so sure. Simply, it's very obvious that college has changed them. Primarily for the best but there are also some negative qualities that I'm finding hard to cope with.

This all was triggered New Years Eve when I spent it alone, in front of my computer playing Bioshock. Granted, I had to work in the morning, but I knew had I really had a solid plan, I would have went and did something that night. Tiffany was hanging out with Allison, Jenna, Kassy and the like; people I am well-aware that I cannot stand, yet I entertained the idea of partying with them. As if I would have had a good time. I feel as if she's trying to exacerbate her intoxication. I received a snapchat from her which was just spinning darkness. I couldn't even prevent myself from rolling my eyes. When I had wished her a happy new year, I received an incoherent, pixelated mess in response.

I feel like she sent the same shit to her crush at Wesleyan as a "look at how much fun I am having without you!!!!" sort of deal. I hope she meets a new dude that gets her off of this kid. I imagine that he's really uncomfortable about the whole thing.

And why do we only say "Have a happy new year!" at the beginning? Shouldn't this shit be a constant well-wish?

Michael is getting into drag queen culture now which is really cool. I'm super glad that he's found his niche in college because it seemed like he wasn't having a good time at Rochester at the beginning. He seems a lot happier now and yeah. However, the past two times I've hung out with him have been someone doing his drag makeup, which was fun the first time, but yesterday made it really tiring.

I cannot stress enough that I am so happy for him. However, there are other things we can do when we're home. I can't just put up with diva lifestyle.

For example, I removed the spirit gum from his eyebrows. What, do you not have hands anymore?

Matt is also talking to me a lot more. I chalk it up to the fact that I think he's realized that his so-called "friends" aren't actually his friends. I mean, it's nice. He wants to hang out the weekend we get back, but I don't know. I know what he's capable of and I know how cruel he can be. I may be potentially exaggerating his negative qualities, but those qualities are still there.

I do want to stay his friend and I want him to be a better person. It's not my job, but yeah.

I've been talking to James pretty steadily all throughout break. He's a really nice guy; he is. However, before we left for winter break, Hunter and I were hanging out when he dropped the "What do you think of James?" bomb. So I kind of know why he's talking to me and I don't want to give him the wrong idea.

If Hunter transfers to New Paltz, or anywhere for that matter, I will be very upset. However, my cold exterior won't allow me to convey this to him.

James said that when I was fawning over Matthew that Hunter said, "I would rather see her with anyone else but him." and "What's so great about this kid anyway?" I don't know. It's kind of been ringing in my head for a while now. I honestly came to the blog to get it out of my brain.

Honestly, Hunter, I couldn't tell you.

Manhattan College, I miss you dearly. But I don't think I'm ready to leave my house yet. And leave my house, I mean leaving Mom, Dad, Catherine and Jaxson.