we are explorers when the beat goes on.

I'm going to do some sort of incomprehensible stream of consciousness here. I haven't written lately and it's not due to the fact that I'm especially lazy when it comes to documenting things, but rather I haven't actually had the time to sit down and write about everything that's happening.

In a sense, it is good. I'm no longer cooped up in front of an LED screen, banging on my keyboard until something interesting comes along. I live in New York City, Manhattan, the capital of the world, let me tell you: this city does not sleep. There is always something to do, and for that, I am grateful. I could go to museums, outdoor excursions, hell, concerts, one of the primary reasons I stayed in-state for college.

I'm in the process of staying at school as long as possible, just to see if I can do it. It's not that daunting of a task, but enough for the woman who went home every two weeks because socialization in college is a bit overwhelming for the introvert. It's going well, if that's any consolation. I saw my family last Sunday for dinner at Emporium Brazil. Bruno told me how proud he was of me for going to college and that studying English is wonderful. He told me how he thinks the English language is beautiful and literature itself is an art. It made me feel better about choosing my major. Obviously, I'm nervous about what I'm studying. Yes, it is versatile, but at the end of the day, it's not as marketable as say, a marketing degree or you know, an engineering degree.

I wouldn't mind pursuing engineering at this point of my life, but I know I don't understand the inner-workings of math well enough to perform decently in the school of engineering. I'm not exactly thrilled with the idea of going to Leo more than three times a week.

Math will always be a struggle, but there's something beautiful about it being my last math class ever. Three more weeks and I will have no use for my graphing calculator, well, academically of course. I still can't do basic computations in my head. Well, you know, I can, but I don't trust myself enough to say my answers are correct.

I have a new appreciation for the study of religion thanks to my professor Geraci. I've always been exposed to religion as something rigid and something delicate as well. It's never been exactly fun to learn about either. But this introduction course has totally changed my mind. You can poke fun at religion and not be offensive about it (Hear that America?). Ultimately, it's just very entertaining to listen to a Jewish-raised, now-agnostic, fu manchu-donning, cave-painting tattooed man speak about religion. It's a lot, I know.

Science is just a lot to cram into my brain for how inconsequential it is to my major. I've got a midterm in two hours and clearly my last minute study session is going phenomenally.

Well, that's enough for academics.

The main reason I am here is to talk about how tumultuous my social life is right now. I don't really speak to Simona or Heidi that much, and to be honest, I'm rather grateful for that as well. They're nice girls, truly, however, we don't have much in common and it's really just a clash of interests when we do speak. I hope we can all be adults about this and remain cordial in the future. I know Simona has a streak of blowing things out of proportion and I'm afraid that's what will happen.

Kaylee is nice and all, but I realized why I find her irritating: when she has to explain something, it has to be this elaborate, long-winded story regarding her life when you could be talking about juice. Something so stupid and unimportant. Why do I need to know about your family's life story regarding breakfast and juice? I don't understand. I think it's cool that she's comfortable enough to tell us all about her familial life, but I don't need to hear everything you've ever done with them.

I love Jessica. She's precious. She's always there for me and I hope I can be there for her when she needs me.

Alex is my girl. Plain and simple. We can just pick up after a couple of days not seeing or talking to each other and it's nothing.

MATT ON THE OTHER HAND.

I told Matt that I liked him last weekend. I was rather abrupt with it, but I wasn't exactly in a good state of mind to be proper or eloquent in my speech or social graces. He told me that he wasn't looking for a relationship because he was focusing on schoolwork. It's noble enough, I get it. Relationships are taxing. The next evening, Saturday, I went to Greenpoint to escape campus and just hang out with Jessica and Alex. I needed it. I came back to a text from Hunter saying that he was hooking up with another chick. It hurt and I cried in front of Hunter, but what could you expect from me? I was emotionally vulnerable.

Last night, I was sitting with him in Evan's room alone. I was looking to make a playlist, really just averting his eyes because I knew that I was still getting him out of my system. I didn't want to make him think anything, either. He's quiet for a little bit, which is fine, I don't like talking all the time, but he opens his mouth and the conversation, in short, goes like this:

Matt: Caroline, I want to talk to you about something.
Caroline: Okay, what?
Matt: I want to talk about how you asked me to be your boyfriend last weekend.
Caroline: Nope, I didn't say that.
Matt: How you wanted to be in a relationship with me.
Caroline: Nope, not that either. I said that I really liked you. That's all.
Matt: Well, I should have said yes.

He never really looked at me when he said this. He was kind of staring at the desk and I attributed that to his intoxication. I can't really remember what I said after that, but I was obviously struck dumb. I wanted to get in depth with it, just get all of my harbored sentiments and thoughts on the table, but Evan came back in the room. I told Matt that it was a private matter and we'd have to continue this conversation later this evening.

At the end of our evening, Matt went to leave and I took my leave as well, wishing Evan a good night. Evan followed me out, insisting that he walk me home, which is a rather nice gesture on his part. I told him not to worry, still lucid enough to know that I had to speak with Matt, but he followed me out. Evan knew though and went back to bed.

I knocked on Matt's door and I looked him dead in the eye and said, "Are we going to talk or what?" and he, being inebriated and on Mars, says, "Oh, right." and follows me out.

So I explain how I thought what he said about me at lunch with George and Jessica was uncool. I said that even if you didn't reciprocate, I'm still your friend at the end of the day and that's lame. It hurt my feelings and made me angry. He tripped over his words and said he didn't mean for it to come off like that. (Great.)

He walked me to the entrance of Jasper Hall and said he was really in no state to have this conversation, which I respected because neither was I. I, being as serious as can be, asked him if we were actually going to have this conversation. He said, "Yes, tomorrow." to which I replied, "Do you promise?" and he responded again in the affirmative. We shook on it and he hugged me goodnight. I looked in the reflection of the glass to see if he was watching me leave. He did not.

I came to write this post for the sole purpose of writing all of that nonsense about Matt. I needed to get it off my chest, but I also needed to write it out to see if I still feel the same as I did last weekend. And to be honest, I don't. I've worked him out of my system. Perhaps I've moved on rather quickly, but all that happened in the span of four days was enough to detox.

I couldn't really pinpoint how I felt about him after what he said last night. I just see him as a friend I could care for immensely in a platonic sense. But he has asshole-ish tendencies and that's a major turnoff.

I just want to listen to Fleet Foxes all day. Maybe get around to studying for this science test.

Did I mention I got two new piercings? They're still a little sore, but I'm thinking about getting a third one on my lobe on my right ear. The last two are going to be a cartilage hoop on my left one and a second lobe piercing. Mom is going to kill me. But that's all I want.

I mean next to a tattoo of my Chinese name, but that's a little more permanent than the piercings.

I know enough's enough and you're leaving.

I'm really trying to do everything in my power to not actually do work today. I was up until one in the morning last night trying to bullshit out three pages of a paper that is due on the thirtieth. I have to have three pages of it done for tomorrow. I know it's good to revise often, but it's really infuriating to make a page limit. If the content is good, there's no reason as to why it should be a specific length. Some people write concisely, like myself, and find it really difficult to elongate ideas for the sole idea of elongating. There's no content, why stretch your bullshit to the ends? There's nothing there, my God.

I tried hookah last Friday and it was actually a lot of fun. I mean, the whole concept of breathing addictive substances into your lungs is not fun, but it was the people and the ambiance. I went with Alex, Jessica, Leah, Matt and Kaylee to this place in the EV and it was just super chill. All of our trains on the way back, however, shut down for construction or whatever and we didn't get back until three am. We ended up having to get off at Herald Square and walk to Penn Station to get onto the one, but the one was down at that station (because it would be too easy to just have everything go right for once, right?) so we had to ride the two to 96th and transfer onto the one. It was rough.

I went to Daylife on Sunday, too, which was so much fun. There was free music and a bunch of different food stands and thrift shops to peruse. I got to see Swaai Boys for free and they were entertaining like always. I met Katarina down there for the day and it was really nice to see her. She hasn't made any friends at NCC and I'm worried only because I don't know if she's avoiding making friends just because they attend NCC or if she just can't socialize. Like I introduced her to my friends Sunday and I don't think she talked at all to them, even though I would bring her into the conversation. It's weird. She really should have gone away for college, but what can you do.

Saturday, I'm jumping around, I saw Alt-J and I wasn't a fan of them until I saw him. It all comes together live and now I do believe they are deserving of their Mercury Prize. I caught the setlist for Alex and got trampled for it.

I am so damn tired and kind of homesick. I miss Jaxson.

i envy you, i always have.

I'm at college right now. Let that soak in, Internet. I started this blog back in late freshman year in high school and now I'm a freshman in college. That's about four years, now.

Do I think I've grown up any? Yes, but not a lot.

I'm getting used to college life. I mean, to be honest, I think I'm really acclimated now. I still get homesick sometimes, but it's better. The first two days were pretty rough.

I was robbed on the fifth day on the steps leading to Horan Hall. Those next two days were rough, too. Jessica picked up the school newspaper and there's an article on the front page about it. Essentially, I'm famous, even though my name is not mentioned once.

I'm kidding. I'd rather not be famous for being robbed.

The Fiftieth Precinct drove me around the projects at night, which they call "The Maze" and it was pretty freakin' terrifying. After that happened, I'm much more aware of my surroundings and honestly grateful for all that I have.

If anyone reads this: if you're robbed, don't go chasing after them. That's a terrible idea and yeah. You're just gonna be winded and furious. Try just to be furious.

I went to a party over at Jasper the night after and drank way too much. I threw up out a window. Freshmen, man.

I've met some really great people here. Jessica, Simona, Kaylee, Leah, Aline, Heidi, Mike are all wonderful people. The guy prospects could be better, though. I'm picky. My dream husband is Brandon Flowers and I'm pretending that I could snag a guy like that. Yeah, right.

I have Chinese in an hour and a half. Today I had an eight hour break which is still in process. It kind of sucks. My classes end at 7:45 and it's really exhausting. I'm so glad my math class is only two times a week, but Jesus Christ, Manhattan. Couldn't you find a better time frame other than late?

My teacher is pretty bad, too. I can't really discern his handwriting and he has a thick Armenian accent. I just don't have great luck when it comes to math teachers. My English professor is wonderful, however. My religion teacher is awesome, too. Chinese is Chinese; I'm gonna complain about it regardless.

My science class is essentially high school chemistry all over again. I'm not complaining though. It should be easy.

I had my first college drunken hookup and I'm regretting it every day. I'm convinced I have a thing for tall blonds. Whoops.

I honestly wish I had the energy to divulge to my private fucking blog about how I feel about it, but I don't. I just want to forget it forever, but that's really hard considering that he keeps trying to get to know me and I'm kind of just over it. Usually I'm the one trying to stay around, but I just don't fucking care anymore. Whatever happened, happened, but seriously, back up. You're nice and all, but seriously. Go find another chick.

I write this and then something is gonna happen between us and I'm gonna wanna terminate this blog entry.

I'm gonna go warm up some soup before class and then play the Sims.

Oh, I got a semester full of credit. Thanks AP and the College Board.

You're falling back to Earth.

I went to my first house party last night with Katarina. I didn't really want to put her in a situation she was uncomfortable with, so I tried to get her out as fast as possible. I feel really bad because she said the smells were making her nauseous. I took her home at eleven.

I was pestered incessantly by Robbie and Christian to come over. I usually have a ploy to get out of these things: school tomorrow, homework, test, etc, but not this time. I didn't think summer would be a curse.

It was a bit much.

Both Christian and Robbie got my number off of Janay. I'm going to have to talk her about that because that was kind of really uncool.

Christian texted me these two messages: "Just go he wants u to go I'm going" and " He's obsessed with u and wants to hang out with u".

Christian's also the guy who bought Ashley $300 EDC tickets. They're not together. I don't know what has to happen in order for a guy to realize the girl is just using him. Ashley always came off to me like that. (In any circumstance, using anyone is wrong. Haven't we learned this a long time ago?)

Anyway, my point is: I drop off Katarina and come back to hang out for an hour an a half. I'm sitting around while everyone is smoking and shit and I politely tell Robbie that I can't go home smelling like smoke. He was really nice about it, too. He basically shooed everyone outside and into another room so I could go home smelling clean.

He introduces me to all his friends, most of them kids from high school that I haven't seen in YEARS. Most of them got really grimy.

Once I had to leave, he walks me out to my car, which is nice, I guess. He keeps hugging me and crap like that. I don't really know how to explain it, but it was one of those moments where you knew that guy was looking for the right moment to kiss you. Yeah, no. I'm not about that.

Robbie's a nice guy, but I don't like him like that.

He texted me until three in the morning last night. I was up because I was playing Team Fortress 2 with Hunter from Manhattan. I like Hunter, he's a nice guy. Real funny, too.

Robbie's messages, however, later delved into him confessing that he likes me a lot, which I knew. I told him straight up that I don't like him like that.

He was kind of upset I didn't return the feelings, but I told him, I'd rather be upfront and honest with him than dodgy.

That was my night.

give my love to a shooting star.

So, San Cisco was a really nice show, as always. I actually got to meet Jordi Davieson and Scarlett Stevens and I'm really happy I met Scarlett, but Jordi came off as cold and pretty much the exact opposite of what I inferred from all the videos and interviews I've seen of them. I kind of wish I didn't meet him because it just kind of makes me sad now. He gives a really strong handshake, if you were wondering. Scarlett was an absolute doll, like I expected and she told me that I should play the drums because she said that there needs to be more female drummers out there. I totally agree with her, but the bass is really my instrument.

I even met the lead singer from Smallpools, Sean Scanlon. He was explaining to Brenna, Toni and Charlie that this was their first tour ever and their second show in New York (They played the Brooklyn Bowl I believe a couple days earlier.) I don't really like talking to people in groups. Let me rephrase: if I want to meet someone for the first time, I will want to speak with them one-on-one because I'm more comfortable that way. Don't ask why, but that's just how I am. I digress. So, they leave to go speak with San Cisco and he's standing on his own and I go to tell him about how much I enjoyed his show and whatnot. I honestly was not lying when I told him that his show was the best show I've seen live. Like I remember standing in the crowd and being totally blown away by the energy. They got mad bonus points for covering New Radicals's "You Only Get What You Give".

He seemed really shocked when I told him that and he hugged me. We talked for about five minutes and I told him that I would be upfront when they came back to New York and he said he expected to see me there.

It's interactions like that that make fans. I had no more money so I couldn't buy their EP, but I went home and immediately downloaded their EP. He was really, really, really sweet and yeah. I do hope I get to speak with him again.

New Order was fantastic. I couldn't really see the stage because we got there real late, but just to catch a glimpse of Bernard Sumner and to hear "Bizarre Love Triangle" was enough for me. It was a lot like when I saw Stornoway at Somerset House. Williamsburg was a couple blocks away from the water and the sun was going down as they played. If you ever get the chance to see New Order, please do. It's really worth it.

On another note, H&M was running some sort of booth there and I got a coupon for 15% off my purchases until December 31st. I'm totally down with that.

I'm in Florida now.

i wanna hear every beat of your heart.

I'm just really mad right now.

I'm seeing OMD tonight and I'm really excited to see them, as I always am. I was going to see them with Brenna and her mother along with Dad, but then Brenna texted me this morning saying that, and I quote, "hey im not rele feeling omd i dont think im gonna go". Now, had she said this about two months ago, I would have been fine, whatever. I bough these tickets back in March/April, so she had a shit ton of a time to figure out her opinion about them.

Basically, I've discerned that she'd much rather hang out with whom I presume to be Charlie and/or Toni, which whatever, fine. Brenna and I aren't necessarily close, but we can chill. It's going to be really difficult to hold back on blowing up when I see San Cisco with her this Monday with them. I just think it's really rude and uncalled for.

I remember Eric did this the day before Foster the People.

Last Friday I got off work and she picked me up because our parents were hanging out. She picked up Toni and they briefly talked about getting tattoos. I really hope she's not getting one today because I've just come to the conclusion that every tattoo idea that people my age have aren't very good. They just seem really poorly thought out and the design itself ugly on so many standards.

I ranted to Katarina and Katarina was like "wtf". I don't know. I wish Tracy and Jenna were home so I could hang out with real people.

Everyone tells me that my blunt attitude towards people is a terrible thing. Well, guess what. I fucking hate facades and people who hide behind them. You know what? Let me save you the trouble. I'm going to flat out tell you how I feel about you by not talking to you ever again. See how that works?

Think of all the unnecessary drama that was avoided. Whatever.

I got Dishonored the other day. It's really nice, some things are too convenient, but I really like the art style. You can't loot food from the environment, so I just eat everything and for whatever reason, I find that really entertaining. I decided Corvo's favorite food was Jellied Eels or whatever. It comes in a can. I thought it was canned tomatoes but it was actually fish.

There's something immensely calming about the sea. I like that Dunwall is so close to it.

Now that I think about it: I don't know why I would go out of my way to eat canned tomatoes anyway. Let alone jellied eels. How do you turn an eel into jelly anyway?

On another note. Come this Friday, my year of music will be completed. Three songs from every week. I'm debating whether or not I should zip folder and put it up for download, but I'm pretty sure that's piracy. So hence why the idea is still up in the air. I think it's really cool that I kept a tab on everything. Music is really important to me; I'd honestly rather listen to music all day than have to put up with the bullshit that people throw at me.

Oh, I passed my road test last Friday. Only fifteen points marked off. One for my parallel park and one for a shoddy turn.

Back to The Office.

and i'm not the kind that likes to tell you just what i want to do.

I periodically forget about New Order and yet I am seeing them in Williamsburg this July. July 24th, to be exact.

"Age of Consent" is just really speaking to me lately.

I graduated yesterday. I got my laptop about four days ago.

I have a plethora of mosquito bites on my body from Michael's grad party last night. Cortizone cream is my best friend right now. I've spent the last three days ripping all of my CDs onto this new computer. I'm only up to P right now. This is a nightmare.

Eric asked me if I wanted to fuck and I just fucking lost it. Fuck you, man. Leave me alone.

It really bothers me that any relationship I've encountered with the opposite gender has been so hyper-sexualized. Like, why can't I just be friends with you? Can you please CHILL THE FUCK OUT?

I'm actually kind of glad that freshmen guys are going to be kind of awkward when talking to girls. I'd rather have awkward and the slow build up of a friendship than the abrupt "do you want to hookup" question.

Back up, man. I'm not interested in you like that in the slightest.

I'm so glad I have Michael as a friend because there's no sexual tension between us in the slightest (as far as I'm concerned?) But man, if I had a dollar for every time someone thought I was going to prom with him; I'd be a real rich woman.

A girl named Allie is giving vocal lessons to Catherine and she was under the impression that I was going to prom with him. Two days before prom, mind you.

Whatever.

I'm going to continue ripping my music and screaming at downloads for being so slow.

Also I just realized that I still really like Jimmy Eat World.

i want to wake up where you are.

I have my physics final tomorrow and I really can't be bothered anymore. I'm tired and its the last thing on my mind. I've been bashing numbers into my calculator and staining my hands with ink for the past five days and at this point, I think my brain refuses to input anymore information.

I always forget I have this thing and every time I do remember I have it, I page through the last couple of blog posts and realize how much I dramatize everything in here. Actually, I don't know if I dramatize it because it just might be my stream of consciousness or something like that. Dad and I agree that emotion is weakness. Mom thinks we're crazy.

I'm still kind of processing that Grandpa died. He's no longer suffering, but I pray for a day where cancer is cured just as easy as strep throat. I wanted to smack Janay for being so insensitive when I was talking to her about the whole Arlington situation. Yes, in reality, his noun is a  "dead body", but he's my Grandpa so fuck you.

I forget that she never really had a family, so she probably doesn't understand family ties. It's not something you can explain to a person, I realized. I just left it and quietly fumed at my register.

The wake was filled with hundreds upon hundreds of people. Grandpa looked really nice in his Navy blues. I hadn't seen him without the swelling since August and he looked like my Grandpa once again.

I'm worried about Grandma though. I think everyone in the family is. When we first got to the wake, she flat out fainted. Scary is an understatement. She's lonely in the huge house they have.

I'm really really upset because I might not be able to attend the funeral (Yeah, he hasn't been buried yet). Arlington was backed up and we couldn't get a date until August 22nd. We wanted him to have the whole procession, rideless carriage, the gunshots. I go to college on the 19th of August. Orientation starts on the 22nd.

I want to be there, I really do, but I'm also afraid I won't meet anyone. I'm not exactly the social butterfly (despite what people tell me) and I just want to be forced into meeting people.

I am really excited for college though. I can't wait to officially be a Jasper on campus.

And you know what really fucking sucks? A lot of my guy friends use me as a rebound flirt thing. Like I have no fucking idea that this even is. Eric breaks up with his girlfriend and he's trying to get into my pants. I had to flat out tell him that he was being creepy and to back off. He did this back in freshman year. Harry does the same thing. He breaks up with his girlfriend and he tries to get with me. (Honestly, if he actually tried to get me to like him, I wouldn't mind, but all he wants to do is hookup).

I don't know if it's because I don't come off as very feminine, but I am so sick of this stuff happening. Like honestly, I've struggled a lot with trying to make myself more feminine but it's not who I am. I'm totally cool with everything else about myself except for the fact that I carry myself like a guy. I'm probably over analyzing it.

Okay, I have a headache. Bedtime.

i loved my english romance.

I like the song "Homecoming" by The Teenagers because I love the different perspectives given in the song, regardless of how misogynistic the song is.

I looked them up and they gained notoriety due to their misogynistic lyrics. Okay.

Anyway. I had the worst migraine today. I forgot that I was even prone to them. It had been so long (I'm still attributing the fact that they stopped coming because of my extensive computer use). It really sucked because I had to work today, three to nine. I thought I was going to work with Christian, but it turns out I was working with Peter. I was the only cashier scheduled on today and that sucked massively. Peter is cool though.

I came home and I had to sit in the living room face down to smother myself from the pungent smells coming from the kitchen. I couldn't even eat anything on my break today (noting that I wasn't necessarily hungry to begin with). Lights made it worse and especially the ammonia cleaner.

Peter said I looked like a girl who listened to the Arctic Monkeys. Quite frankly, I looked like a mess today. I don't know how that translates.

I'm also apparently the first girl who rejected Ryan. Whatever.

Fernando called to ask to hang out at the Bird Sanctuary. I was getting my Chinese on with Tiffany, Michael and Kellie and a plethora of sesame chicken. Priorities, you know?

I kind of wish I could just isolate myself for a while and sleep. I'm exhausted and overemotional. I keep having random bouts of sadness and anger. I've been afraid to miss physics.

They're not even triggered by anything. I was writing my Heart of Darkness essay yesterday and I just planted my face down on my notebook and was very sad. And no, I'm not moved by Heart of Darkness.

I realized that I haven't actually read the book. I was reading solely for imagery, contrasts, bullshit like that. Oriani always said that you'll only appreciate the book if you tear it apart and make it your own. She has no idea what she's talking about. Sometimes I want to go into teaching to prove people wrong. She even said that the longer something was, the better it was. What kind of bullshit is she feeding?

People hate English. I don't know why. It's uncovering mysteries and meanings in text; nothing is definitively right or wrong. There's a beauty in that.

I'm also finding the math done in physics is relaxing.

"what's the matter with you lately?"

why does it feel so good but hurt so bad?

I'm searching for excuses to fill my Smoothie King addiction. I just spent the last ten minutes looking up the health benefits to smoothies and bullshit. I just want to feel like I'm purging my system.

I mean, they don't really mention anything unhealthy, just the turbinado. Primarily, it's all fruits and natural juices.

Anyway.

It's so strange being a senior on the badminton team. I never really thought I'd actually make it here. Well, you know, of course I did, it's expected. But, now that it's here, it's really surreal. Like, the freshmen on the team this year are looking at me as the untouchable senior. They won't remember me past sophomore year, but occasionally they're come to mind. (It happens with me with my own senior class as a freshman. Fuck you, Arielle).

Today, Sam sent me a text message, out of the blue, saying, "I actually love you" and of course, I reacted as, "what did i do" because honestly I never know what I do to warrant a message like that.

And then she responded, "you are like my big sister". I just thought that was probably the nicest thing someone has said to me.

I'm trying really hard to be a mentor, a good one. I'm trying to teach people how not to freak out on the court and be better. I want to practice with people and teach them.

I break the badminton silence rule every day.

i swear i'll never wrong you again

It's funny. Death has always crossed my mind, not in the sense of suicide or murder, but just the idea of it. The idea of perhaps crawling into your bed and quietly passing into the black, never to return to the sun. Yet, it knocks on my doorstep (not mine, per se, but you get the general idea) and I can't run fast enough from it. I want to run towards it, ward it away and bar it from the world, but I'm no Winchester and I'm no angel.

Grandpa is dying; Grandma is gaunt. I am powerless, seeking answer in God who seems to have His line on busy.

For the first time, I broke down in public, in front of Oriani, Kuster, DelGuidice and Tiffany. I didn't mean to, I swear. But for whatever reason, I express emotion around my family and it's all a joke. I've just been so used to cooping up my emotions that when someone shows genuine concern, I play it off as a joke. All I know is that the more I do it, the cracks begin to spider and eventually I do crack.

I know I have people I could talk to if necessary, but I can't really talk to people about my problems. I rant into a fucking pixel board.

Honestly: I want to talk about it. I don't want to cry in front of people. Crying is weakness and a sign of hopelessness. I don't want to have no hope.

Kellie asked me after Inkspots if I was okay. Apparently I looked distraught. And what did I say? "I always look distraught."

"You look worried about something."

"We have to get to practice."

Yeah, I'm a tumblr basket case. If you ask me if something's wrong, I say, "I'm tired.". If you ask me how I'm feeling, I'll respond, "Fine" but on some stupid smile that I've mastered at doing and go back to doing whatever I was doing.

I just wish I could look at my grandparents without feeling like crying all the time.

Light up, light up, as if you have a choice

My computer is breaking, so I've been off it recently. My iPad has been a life saver.

I went out with Janelle, Michael and Tiffany to The Witches Brew for an overpriced meal. I mean, it always delivers, but I'm a cheap bastard these days.

I'm more frustrated with the fact that it's impossible for me to hang out with any of these friends of mine because they're chronic cancellors. Granted, they can't do much about it, but you figure they would tell their parents they have something planned and they'd work around it. I guess not.

So, I spend my weekends watching Supernatural, fawning over Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles. I'm hoping I meet someone in college who loves this show as much as I do.

It bothers the hell out of me that Tiffany complains about all these people but does nothing to remedy the situation. You are not obligated to continue hanging out with them, Jesus Christ.  I feel like a broken record, telling people the same things because they won't listen to me.

Claudia is pissing me off too. Unfortunately, I can't drop her like I usually do people because I have my off-period with her and lunch. Yay, my socializing hours are clogged with people I despise. 

Janelle asked me if Michael was okay, so I honestly responded to her and told her that he's not bad, but he's not fine, either. I told her not to make it a big deal and she went to go talk to Nuzzi about it. I don't know why I bother speaking anymore.

Especially with Nina and Inkspots. Jesus Christ, man. I ask you to do something, something which involves PUBLISHING YOU in the magazine and you throw me some bullshit. She's so wrapped up in her fucking head I can't even believe it. 

I don't understand why following a request is so difficult. 

I'm so fucking tired. 

under your thumb.

I just needed to get this out here.

There's this kid I've known for about three years now, always been in my science classes. I met him when I was a sophomore and he was a freshman. I'm talking to him right now and he's telling me how he's going into the military straight after high school.

It's really weird because this kid is younger than I and I don't really know.

He's a good kid, I don't think most people see it.

Go navy, though.

girls like mystery.

Last night I went out to the Witches Brew with Janelle and Michael. It was nice to hang out with them. I had an amazing sandwich that burnt the top of my mouth, but entirely worth it. I had a papaya passion fruit tea drink and I finally got to relax after the past hellish week. I was exhausted, I still am, but again, it was nice to hang out with them.

It's been so liberating since Michael got his license. There's so many places we can go now without our parents hounding us down. I mean, of course we have to be back by a certain time, but you can push that further blaming it on waiters, traffic, you name it. We were out until about 12:30.

It was a taste of freedom and it was nice.

I made them listen to The Vaccines. They are so good, it hurts.

Michael wants to come with Brenna and I to see them. The only problem is that we always go front and Michael doesn't really like crowds. I don't want to ditch him, but The Vaccines are so much fun live. I couldn't give up the opportunity to be shoved up against a bunch of sweaty people, jumping around to "Wrecking Bar (Ra Ra Ra"). The little things.

However, I just wish he would stop berating me for choosing Manhattan College. I don't understand why he's hounding me for it. I don't really want to go to Ithaca anymore, but I keep it as an option because I haven't committed to Manhattan yet. He keeps making fun of the fact that I'd be living in the Bronx; his mother asking him why I want to live in the Bronx. It's the same question I ask myself, why would he want to live in Rochester?

He's not supportive of me, yet I have been supportive of him. I just don't understand sometimes.

I can't tell if he's just mad because I won't be two hours away from him, but six to seven hours away.

Whatever.

I think I'm getting sick. I've been drinking a lot more green tea to load my body with antioxidants. I hope it works.

try sleeping with a broken heart.

I am tired.

I am excited.

I am ready to live.

It's a brand new year and I have been pretty neutral recently. I haven't really been angry, particularly happy or sad. There's something liberating about being a blank slate. I have been accepted to all my colleges and I have my heart set on Manhattan College in Riverdale. I can't believe I'm graduating this year. In six months, I will be a high school graduate. In six months, I will never have to enter the high school for educational purposes again. In six months, I will be considered a legal adult.

In seven months, I will be preparing for going away to college. In seven months, I will be wrapping up my work at Key Food and solidifying my ties there so I have a job during the winter break.

I don't know, I feel like I have worked out a lot about the future. I'm not as afraid of what the future brings, simply because I've planned to lay out a solid groundwork to propel myself forward.

There has been no self-loathing, but no self-loving.

I've been trying to spend more time with my parents just because I know I won't be home next year to do so. That makes me sad.

I've been trying to stay out of Catherine' hair simply because she's going through her British fandoms right now. I remember going through that, too. It's a frightening time. Only, she has it for the worst things of British-decent and likes about ten thousand more things than I did. That and Taylor Swift. For obvious reasons, it's just easier to avoid that than directly confront it.

Everyone is worrying about prom, but I could really care less. I'm not really sure if I'm even going to go. My parents didn't go to their prom so I really don't feel any incentive to go. Our school throws really crap dances, so I don't feel like I'd be missing out on anything other than the after party. That's the only thing I'm looking forward to, but you can't go to the after-party if you didn't go to the party, right?

I'm more concerned about Janelle going to college and dorming somewhere. She's beginning to confide in me more and I'm glad she trusts me.

I want to stay close with all my friends once we go to college, but I know we all suck at correspondence. I promised Tiffany that I'd buy those weird BIGBANG postcards and send them to her sporadically with no message on them.

Oh, right. I saw BIGBANG in Newark on November 9th, 2012.

I had a nightmare that my guidance counselor forgot to tell me I needed an extra credit to graduate and I had to redo senior year. If I didn't graduate with my class, I would cry. I know I hate about 98% of them, but they're my class. I want to graduate with them.