a good man x2.

Basically what happened was that Michael told me to go make amends with Natalie and I told him that if it came down to me being friends with her and not having her as a friend, I would choose to not have her as a friend.

Do I hold anything personal against her? No. We've distanced and have no common ground, therefore it is futile to stimulate something that is dying.

I had said that if Natalie is going to the social event, do not invite me, which has worked out very well. It works vice versa.

Michael says that they hate leaving one of us out, so it would be best to just reconcile. It's awkward in other situations etc etc.

I don't do that.

This post has been made to prove a point. I haven't really hung out with anyone outside of school since early October. A part of me feels like I have purposely isolated myself because of my schoolwork and lack of proper sleep. A part of me feels like I'm just lazy.

I want to go out and have fun. I want to be a teenager, dammit. I want to do stupid shit (regardless of consequences...but not in a sense where it involves the police force).

I love them, but I am bored with routine. (It's a gemini thing, apparently). I need to see the world in which I inhabit.

a good man.

my grades are higher than they've ever been in first quarter since i started heavily gaming again. welp.

in this crazy life.

I am seeing Tracy and Jenna tomorrow! I'm so excited to see them, like you don't even know. I haven't seen them in three months. It's been way too fucking long.

I got paid on Wednesday. $151.40 after taxes. They only took out about nine bucks in taxes, which really wasn't bad. Dad says that once I start making more money, they're going to smack me over the head with taxes, but until then, I still make minimum wage.

Thanksgiving was really nice today. My Italian grandparents came over and they made us chestnuts. I never had them before and they were really good. I'm not a big fan of nuts other than peanuts and cashews (even with cashews it's a stretch). Uncle Richie, Aunt Terry, Risa, Cadie and Dillan came over, too. I hadn't seen Dillan in such a long time and it was really nice to talk to him again. We got to play Starcraft and stuff; I felt like I was younger again when we used to play Might and Magic together at Ryan's. Uncle Ted and Chris came over with his girlfriend Elise. She's apparently really elusive. Everyone's been trying to meet her for the longest time and they were really happy to finally meet her.

It was a small Thanksgiving get together, but it's always really nice. No mashed potatoes, though. The turkey was good, if a bit tough to bite into. (I won't judge - those turkeys are a fucking bitch).

yo duermo ahora. mis ojos cerrarán si estoy despierto más tiempo. que malo!


yo no sé por qué yo estoy hablando en español pero ¿por qué no?


yo pensé que yo esté en La Red a las tres de la mañana pero yo estoy muy cansada ahora. yo no quiero pensar en español más tiempo. yo puedo sobre mi cama sólo...patético!


buenas noches mis amores!

i'd leave this town if it meant you loved me.

I'm sitting in the backseat of Regine's black Audi, coming back from Chinatown. Ryan is sitting in the front and he's blowing his nose; he's come down with something, probably a cold. Regine's worried as she puts her hand on the stick shift and tells him all the ways to fight it off and how she's going to make us all hot tea when we get to the Animal House.

Ryan's real tired. His head is against the black leather seat and he places his hand over hers on the stick shift. He doesn't argue, but he doesn't want me to see. When they get all cute, they always try to hide it, but it's almost impossible because I am in the backseat.

My eyes are glued to the window outside. The sun is still bright and the brick walls that divide the highway and the homes are blurring past my eyes. I clasp the dirty white bag strap and lay my head back, closing my eyes. I'm getting kind of car sick. Ryan's got this room scent that makes me sick -- I don't really know what it smells like to give it a name.

It's gotten darker now. We're in the same positions as we were earlier today. Now we're leaving from the Animal House. My face is radiating happiness, I had such a good day today. Ryan's still blowing his nose; Regine is driving.

I can't pull myself to look away from the world outside. We're just outside the city, Queens. All of the street lights and building lights are turned on bright and it's something spectacular. "Super Bass" by Nicki Minaj has come on the radio for the umpteenth time today, a strange change of pace from "Mr. Saxobeat" by Alexandra Stan.

The world outside changes from lights and tall buildings to quiet forests and walled-off communities. I'm grabbing onto the door handle as Regine makes a turn. She's not a bad driver, but she's getting angrier with the bad drivers on the road today.

I'm gaining a keener sense for the world, my thumb rubbing over the texture of the handle, every groove and rise, a brand new world.

A world I could never imagine, but a world I so desire.

procrastination.

I miss being a carefree kid. I never realized how fast I was growing up until I got this job at Key Food. The pay isn't great, but at least it's something.

I looked at my schedule and realized that I work Monday, Tuesdays and Saturdays. I have YAPP on Wednesdays, I have kickboxing on Thursdays and early Saturday mornings, I go into Chinatown on Sunday and my only free day is Friday, which is great. Friday is usually my day. I overwork myself and I know this.

I get my first pay check the day before Black Friday, Thanksgiving (if I scheduled everything properly). Tracy and Jenna are coming home next week. I can't wait to see them. I've missed them so much (There's really no one like them and I am so privileged to have met them).

They are my best friends; that's just it. I have my others, but they are my best friends.

They have my full trust, entirely. Especially Tracy. I can't just cry and bawl my eyes out in front of anyone. If I am with a friend and I'm genuinely upset and go into some detail, I usually can hold it back just because I'm concerned about an image than my psychological well-being.

Well, Tracy over the summer, allowed me to just rant about Drew as I bawled my eyes out in her room. I can't just do that, like I said. I know she won't tell anyone, (even if she does tell Jenna, I'm okay with it).

I just want this week to be over and next week to begin.

sick sick sick...

I have a lot to say about this because although I appear very air-headed and non-observant, I do notice small details.

I just don't have the time for anything anymore.

love like a sunset.

Everyone judges me on who my heart goes after.

I have no control of what it chooses to follow; what my brain decides to dream up at night.

I may have said one thing, but it's because I was young and I've grown up.

I've grown up a whole lot.

Although I still judge people upon their music, I don't do it as often.

I don't think people even notice that I've become very passive.

So please stop being frustrated with me when I have been tangled up within my own heartstrings.

I will eventually realize my own stupidity, but only when I've been burned.

The only way I will learn is if I am injured in the process.

No pain, no gain.

Drew contacted me Sunday, November 6th.

I got furious; I thought he was drunk. After speaking to him for an hour or so, I realized he wasn't. It was nice to not talk to him when he was intoxicated, so I was just talking to him like I did prior to making out with him in Florida.

The conversation went like this (out of context):

Me: A lot of training and all of the burritos from Chipotle!
Drew: Haha well yeah ;)
Me: I finally got to try a small part of one...it was so fucking good.
Drew: I miss you
Me: (Part of me still misses him, leave me be): I miss you, too. It's been way too long.
Drew: I want to cu again.

Then the conversation sort of turned into us planning when he could come see me because he knows I won't be allowed to go there without him coming to New York first.

He then proceeded to call me cutie and hot. I got angry at that. I thought he was just saying this crap because he wanted nudes or something, but he didn't.

It kills me. It really does.

I know I can do better than him, personality-wise. (God dammit, he's hot though).

According to Andy, the guys in Chinatown have been asking for me through Andy.

I rocked this kid...here's the conversation.

• YAY FOR BEING POPULAR WITH THE OPPOSITE GENDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BIGBANG FIGHTING.

My favourite little K-Pop group BIGBANG won the Worldwide EMA at the MTV EMAs in Belfast today! I'm so proud of them even though I've only been a fan for a little while. The Britney Spears vs. BIGBANG drama is crazy, but I'll continue to read it anyway because that's really just who I am. Well.

I played with the UEAA guys today. I was the only girl there, again. Other Caroline was probably resting up for Urban Soccer. I spent this entire weekend with my cousin Ryan and Jay. They're chill. Our team is actually coming together and I am so pumped for this tourney next weekend.

I should also mention my play of the game.

I was up the field, near the box of the opposing team. I saw the ball heading back, but I figured that Jay would get it, or maybe Hagan. None of which were the case. Ryan was our last defense man and I knew this player with the ball had enough finesse to get around him and score. I usually don't head back as forward, but this was a major exception. I sprinted, full-speed, back to the field and I thought I was going to just knock him off the ball and take it away, support my cousin, you know?

No, it never works like that.

I couldn't slow down and I wasn't going to, anyway. I ran full speed at the kid and floored him. I mean, absolutely floored him. He had at least thirty pounds on me. I floored him and I kept running, trying to get the ball, but I tripped over him and fell right on top of him. By that, I mean that I fell on my shoulder, so essentially I slammed my shoulder into his back and didn't apologize.

I almost got away with it, too. It wasn't called a foul until he was butthurt that his teammate didn't score a goal.

Eric gave me his approval. Ryan was crying of laughter in his corner of the field. It's the true Purple Monkeys spirit. I tried scoring off of Kawai, but no such luck.

I played five games straight and it just felt so good to be back in the game.

Fuck marching band.

fool.

I see this song in stages and as much as I hate to admit it to myself...the only thing really inspiring me to write these days is K-Pop. I don't get it. Granted, Arcade Fire is still there, especially when I wrote that piece on the old man. I give Arcade Fire all the credit due to my metaphorical works and for that, I am grateful because I am tired of writing about whatever muse I found. (If you know my writing blog, I wrote one about a sour muse).

Muse is also one of my favourite words, one of my favourite bands and I wrote a research paper on the nine(?) muses in mythology.

I spent the day with Ryan and Regine today. Ryan and I went into the city to Chinatown to play soccer with Hal (whose real name is Harrison) and Jenny. Jay came and met us a little later and we played with this other soccer league run by some Irish dude (his accent was so unf, even though he was not). Ryan treated me to dumplings and McDonalds even though I had money to pay for it. He's actually the best.

Anyway, so we played soccer against the league and there was this one Chinese guy who just helped himself to the team. When the Irish guy said that we could have a game of eight to seven, the guy retorts, "Well, they have two girls on their team!".

You know what guy? I hope you enjoy your bruised gut. Fuck the Chinese male dominance, I will drop your ass so hard. I don't view myself as a fighter for rights, but God damn, being belittled for being a Chinese female AND a halfie, it's kind of annoying at a certain point. I know I joke around with being Chinese and half white, but that's only to my friends. They're allowed to make fun of me because it's an entirely different situation. Whatever.

The soccer game went a lot better than they usually did. We scored some goals, aka more than one and I took out this tall black guy. He tripped me and I crushed his legs. Whoops.

When I play soccer, I play obscenely dirty. It usually ends up with me getting bruised, but I always knock down the other player, no matter how large. Most of these people have about fifty pounds on me and it's really embarrassing for them when a 120 pound girl strolls in and drops their ass. I take a lot of pride in that and I generally don't take much pride in what I do (I like to pretend I'm modest).

I honestly don't know what to say when people compliment me. I should probably work on that.

We play again in fourteen hours. I can't fucking wait.

(I also get to see Eric but that's A WHOLE ANOTHER STORY).

ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

act like nothing's wrong.

I recently discovered this song by T.O.P (Choi Seung Hyun, Tabi, TEMPO, however you want to call him). I really don't care what your stance is on K-Pop, it's a very groovy song and the story behind it is really heartbreaking. The video I am going to post is him singing it live and at a certain point, he just collapses down and his voice cracks. It might be a stage act, it might not. It really perfects the tone and it almost haunts you (it haunts me like you don't even know).


"Act Like Nothing's Wrong" by T.O.P: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6MSbJjd5o3s


If I knew about this song in the past, it would have made things easier - I don't know.


English translation:


[HOOK]
Am I supposed to laugh.. as if nothing's wrong
Each day passes by... as if nothing's wrong Oh Oh

[VERSE1]
Hey, I haven't called you in awhile.
I just called to say I'm sorry,
and for that I am even more sorry
Honestly, I don't have anything to say, so I'm just babbling
I was wondering how you have been
"What do you want? You're drunk again aren't you?"
I don't want to hear it again, so I try hard to sound okay
You've become mute on the other side
Because of the random things i'm saying

What's so great about my crooked pride
(I want to run to you but still...)
It's so hard, but I try to act cool, as if nothing's wrong
(If I could get rid of this affection,

if Icould get rid of this hatred)
Ma dear do you know you're all I have
I realized too late I'm sorry ma boo

REPEAT [HOOK]
*~*[Ji- Eun]
As if nothing's wrong, as if nothing's going on..
Memories of you I once tried to erase...

are starting to grow on me Oh Oh

[VERSE 2]
I need U Come back
I want to tell you truthfully
My heart's heavy Fallin Where are you uh!
I can never forget our first date (Why?)
Your birthday is still marked on my calendar
oh no I don't believe
People are saying my laughter has died
There was a familiarity like long lost friends
We used to talk on the phone all night.

How did we have so many things to say back then
How are you doing
The promises I weren't able to keep still clings to my heart
I worry bout you a lot
I wonder if you stay awake at night like I do.

and I feel sorry once again
You said it yourself "You're too mean"
What's the problem? I'm still trying to figure things out
Like an idiot my regrets came too late
(Where you at?) If you leave, what am I supposed to do

REPEAT [HOOK]
REPEAT *~*

[Ji-Eun]: You're no different from the other guys
Why are you taking back everything you said before
Your future was more important to you
([TOP]: Why don't you just call me a liar)


Last weekend, we went to the Syracuse marching band championships at the Carrierdome. It took us eleven hours to get up there (at like, one in the morning) and eleven hours back down (12:40 am). The bus in front of us broke down and there was a police stop in the other lane, so we couldn't get around. It was really annoying and all I wanted to do was sleep.


We got sixth place out of twelve. I don't really think it was worth all the time we spent travelling up there to get that score. I've told everyone that and I don't think they fully understand. I'm just a grumpy traveler and whatever.


I am so glad it's finally over. Now my weekends have cleared up and now I can play soccer.


What a relief.