you know, you know i'm the same.

I just want to be friends with Ian now.

I feel awful for saying it.

But I assume this is what they mean that geminis are hard to tie down. Then again, I am still only in high school. I still have a lot of time to dick around, I guess.

To be honest, I just think he deserves someone better. Sounds awful verbalized, but I think it's the truth. I'm not quiet, I'm brash. I'm not dependent, I'm independent. It's not a bad thing, but for his personality, I think he needs someone quieter.

He kept wringing his hands throughout the date and I felt genuinely bad, just because it was partially my fault. I was making him nervous and he was expressing it. I was nervous beforehand, but I'm not one to show any weakness.

I was thinking about it later at dinner. We're pretty much polar opposites, which isn't a bad thing (reiterate). I'm competitive, he's not; I'm a bit more open, he's a little held back.

When he called my face a beacon of light, I almost threw up, not going to lie. I feel like anyone else would have taken that comment very well, but I didn't. Hell, it was really poetic, I guess, but I wasn't feeling it.

I'm a big jumble of mixed emotions. I'm not really sure how to feel. I meant to keep this short, too.

I hugged him goodbye in Penn Station and when we pulled away, he lingered a little bit, like expecting more. (Look, if you want to kiss me, it's your job to initiate it first, just the first time).

Everything else went really well. I had a really good time, but I'd rather him a friend, not a boyfriend. He didn't ask to see me again, so, I don't really know what that means.

Probably negative, but I'm used to the negative.

"forever (live and die)" by omd.

studio laughter.

I'm glad Tracy's supportive of the whole idea, which makes me feel so much better. I don't know. Jenna was like, "So, Caroline, are you into Portuguese guys now?" and literally I sent a message to Tracy telling her about how I needed to go out with a Spanish/South American/Portuguese guy just to get it out of my system.

Dammit Santiago. (Every time I say his name, I have to say it with the Spanish accent). Sahnteeyaaahgo. I professed my love for him as he got on the bus back to Cornell. "Santiago, te quiero por eternidad!". Valentina nearly pissed herself and Jensen was just used to my odd behaviours, so she laughed.

But the problem is, we're going out on Sunday. This Sunday. Which, is totally cool, it works out really nicely. But the anticipation is killing me. I wake up with butterflies, go to sleep with butterflies, walk around with butterflies, eat with butterflies, etc etc. I'm literally so nervous, so happy, so excited, but I have no one to express this to. Why am I so nervous? I went to prom with him and hung out with him with Michael a couple of weeks ago.

As I'm writing this, my stomach is doing flips and turns.

He wants to take me to a cafe for lunch and then we're going to walk around Greenwich Village, looking at bookstores and record shops. Essentially the perfect date, in my terms. Tracy says it's romantic and it is, but I'm still like "WHAT DO WITH BOY".

Like do I hold his hand or whatever? WHAT DO I DO I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

The time between today and until Sunday is decent, let me reiterate it. BUT I'M GETTING SO WORKED UP AND ugh.

Michael reminded me that he's going to college soon and long distance is hard. Trust me, I know. But I'm going to assume that Ian is a better guy than Drew and won't cheat on me...then not have the balls to even properly end it with me.

I won't lie, I was crushing on Ian a little bit after prom and whatever. I chose not to say anything about it just because it's just weird, you know? Like, the only people I only tell anything to are Tracy and Jenna. Now, the new crush just happens to be their cousin? I can't tell them that.

It's not like I act on my feelings anyway. I just kind of sit there and wait for things to happen and they usually never do.

I suppose this circumstance is different.

What happened was that I was at Grandma's house, waiting for her famous soup (the beans for the soup are impossible to find now, but she ordered in like cases of them when she found them. I love her so much). I was sitting on the couch, watching the Minority Report with my dad. I checked my phone around 4:02 and saw that I had a missed call.

Regardless, I never really answer my phone to begin with unless it's my mom. I'm solely a texter. I check my notifications and I see that it's Ian calling me. So I send him a message that I can't talk because I'm at my Grandma's and he asks if he can call later, he needs to ask me something.

So, I say yes, but then go into a panic. I hate it when people are like, "I need to ask you something/need to talk to you.". It just makes me so nervous.

I spend the next two hours with a case of restless leg syndrome and a mouthful of soup. (When I say this soup is good, I mean it's good).

I figured I'd be there for another hour and I had told him that I could talk around 5-5:30, assuming that I might be home by then. I was in the car when he called me.

My car is always obscenely, stupidly loud. So I pick up and he simply asks, "Caroline, will you go on a date with me?"

And of course, I said yes. Shocked, happy, other emotions. I don't think he believed me when I said yes, but I could kind of hear him smiling through the phone, if that makes sense. It probably doesn't.

Cue my father and sister mocking me. Have the same birthday, act exactly the same.

I could barely contain my excitement. But now I sit in a mess of butterflies and nervousness.

Now, I wait for Sunday in a fit of anticipation. I really hope my family doesn't go around telling my family again. Next thing I'll know, my Aunt Janet will be trailing behind me and Uncle Joel will be down the street.

Love my Italians.

Are you drunk right now?

I really like "Marvin's Room" by Drake. I've been listening to a lot of Drake recently. It relaxes me, I don't know why.

Ithaca was so much fun. I loved it so much. It was just so peaceful, the perfect place to write. My roommate was a piece of shit, but I still met some awesome people. Valentina from Venezuela; Jensen from just outside Philly; Bria from West Philly; Arslanna from Astoria. My class was really nice, learned a lot. The dorms desperately needed air conditioning, though.

Anyway, I really came here to document the fact that Ian asked me out on a date earlier today. I'm so happy, it honestly hurts.

I'm so glad that Tracy and Jenna aren't weirded out, only because I know if it was my cousin, I'd be like, "Um.".

Anyway, I'm going to sleep happy and with butterflies in my stomach. Buenas noches.

i'm just saying you could do better.

Nothing's wrong, at least. Kind of at a "blah" stage of my life. Not saying that it's bad, but things could be better.

Wednesday is my last day of work. It's about time; I'm so tired of spending three days of my week in Key Food.

School ended, and I don't know. Kind of in a limbo.

Sleep, work, computer, sleep. Rinse and repeat.

Been tanning a bit recently. It feels so good. Not just like warmth or anything, but a general overwhelming good mindset. I feel way healthier, obviously less pasty.

I don't think I'm doing AP Art. It's disappointing, but I don't have the discipline for it. I like to pretend that I do, but in reality, I know I don't. I spend too much time beating myself up on it (which I literally do for anything creative I do) and too little time actually working on the piece. It sucks because I had been working for this my whole high school career and I can't carry it out.

I'll probably take Studio Art 4 and Ethics in Print. Maybe I'll get Fleming again. That would be really nice.

Drew isn't coming to Florida, thank God.