your love.

I still wake up sometimes missing Drew. I guess that's normal.

Not so normal when I had the most random dream of meeting Eric in Chinatown. Tasty Dumpling grew about ten times in size and we were sitting at a table for four. Strangely enough, there was Korean food (bulgogi) waiting for me. He never spoke - just specifically because I don't really remember what his voice sounds like.

I mean, it's just one of those days where I stare at my ceiling and think about what I did. Why am I still so caught up on this?

It occurred to me that one of the main reasons that I can't process words of comfort from other people is because most of my life I've worked things out in my own way. In short, I'm so stubborn and I think I'm so independent that I can just deal with things on my own. I know I can't. That's another thing I have to work on.

I'm just so tired waking up some days with that pit in my stomach. It's emotionless, too. I miss him and all, but there's no feeling with it. I don't understand it. It's just blank. I really shouldn't miss him, I know. But part of me knew I would be all wrapped around on this.

I try not to talk about it anymore, but it just keeps showing up in my life. Like, he went with some girl (I wrote other girl first, but then realized that I wasn't in his picture anymore) to his Homecoming dance, understandable. All I could think about was "Oh my God, this girl. THIS GIRL. I already don't like her! Ha! He downgraded! Look at her teeth! Look at her fucking hair for God's sake! Whatever, whatever ego ego ego...".

Which, I think if anyone else saw her, I guess they would agree with me that he did downgrade (Holy Jesus, my ego is HUGE). It's kind of comforting in a very narcissistic way.

He said he would date me if I lived in Ohio, but I think that's bullshit. Vacation really screws around with everything and let's be real, the jock isn't going to go for the fucking girl in the marching band who plays the fucking glockenspiel. This isn't a world created by Taylor Swift.

As easy as things could be if things were like that.

Today, I was at marching band from twelve to five. Today was way longer than yesterday, I don't know why. It's probably because I was there for the entire time and on my feet. My feet hurt so much. Jaxson ran away from me when Michael frightened him. He ran into the backyards on Willow and I had to go sprinting after him. I lost my shoes and almost lost my phone.

Yesterday, I got my permit with Michael. I got a hundred on the test. I want to go out driving.

Becky always tries to be hard with us, but it's not going to work. Like O'Hagan said, "If you give people a taste of freedom in one part of their lives, they will expect it in all parts of their lives.". She was incredibly lax with us during band camp and now she expects us to crack down. It's not going to work. I'd rather do push-ups than play "Joy" or "River of Tears".

Nine days until I finally get to chat with Eric in people. Nine days until I ride the train into the city (hopefully). Nine days I put my socialization skills to test.

Until then, homework until I choke.

origins.

I got my permit today! I'm so happy, you really have no idea. I was always worrying about it, when I should get it, am I too old to be getting my permit...ridiculous things like that. Now that I have it, I plan on taking Driver's Ed in the winter and then hopefully getting my Junior License when my birthday comes around. John and I always joke around about driving down to the Flea Market Montgomery this summer - if we actually did that it would be the funniest thing ever. (Watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vao-IfsMROA).

I would have a four day weekend, but because of marching band, that is not the case. I had practice from twelve to five today and the same tomorrow. Although today, because of my permit-getting, I missed an hour and a half of practice just dealing with the DMV. I was going to spend today doing schoolwork just so I could free up my "break", but that still entails studying for regular school AND the PSAT.

I know I shouldn't really be blogging because of the amount of work I have to do ahead of time for Wednesday. I think my parents are going to let me go into the city on the train by myself. It would make this whole meeting up with Eric so much easier. I wish I had the courage to talk to him more online. I know I can talk to him when I go to the field, but it's kind of annoying. I usually just text him Sundays, just to see what he's up to. He never really texts me, but Andy said he was too shy to talk to me in the first place. I'm probably using this as a crutch.

But I know that when marching band is over, my friends and I are going to be spending most of our weekends in Manhattan, probably Korea Town if we don't go into Chinatown. I will ever escape my Asian roots, it seems and I am perfectly fine with it. Tiffany says she's going to get me that Taeyang poster, unf. He's the sexiest Korean I have ever seen. His abs are to die for.

As seen here:

If I could stare at this man as I went to sleep...

OKAY I AM BEING CREEPY PLEASE DON'T MIND ME BUT THIS GUY IS KJLDSFJDSLFSD.

Back to homework. Nerdom. I still have to get into that thing called college.

take a chance.

Can I just mention how relatable this secret is from Postsecret?

Nudes are for the dedicated, okay. 

take me back.

So, a girl from my school made a post about making out with a guy for a half an hour on tumblr and she's like, "Whoa!!!!1".

And then I'm sitting here thinking, "Wow, I thought she was a skank.".

I went way too fast for any romance that could have bloomed. Two hours straight? What was I thinking?

He was tagged in a bunch of pictures for homecoming dance or something. It doesn't look like he took anyone. Serves him right. My booty is walking away now. On to bigger and better things. Aka, Eric.

Oh well. (Can't my current interests ever live in the same town as me? Damn).

fiction, fiction.

Eric said we should get lunch after soccer because he can't stay long. I didn't suggest doing anything after soccer. Definitely over-analyzing. If anyone wants to tell me what this really means, it would be appreciated. I want to stop thinking about it.

Until then, I will continue to fail all my classes and not get into college.

rebuild the energy.

I had to walk home today - I have three new blisters. Flip flops aren't really great walking shoes. Oops.

Today was really stressful. The only good thing about today was that my math test was moved to tomorrow, as opposed to being today. My chemistry test was supposed to be tomorrow - it was today. I finally understand significant figures though, you know, hours after the test. It's better late than never. I talked to Nuzzi and she totally understands my situation (she must have heard how my voice started to crack when I was talking to her). She said that through extra help, we can change my test grade through that. I hope so.

John said he's going to try and come to the football game on Saturday with his girlfriend Emma. I'm actually really happy for him - as I would be for all my friends in relationships. He's a good kid, whether he wants to realize it or not.

But I don't know, I'm just especially happy for him. He's grown up a lot since he was a freshman last year and just beginning as a sophomore this year.

I mean, I can't really say many of my friends have been in relationships that I could be happy for them. Trust me, I will. My friends are the greatest people around and deserve all the happiness in the world. I know I express my happiness or my excitement in strange ways, but I hope it's conveyed...

I try to smile a lot more now. I smile at people, random strangers, which I've never done before. I think this is all about my ~transformation to a ~young adult, or whatever.

Drew said it was so weird to see me not smiling. Hence why my serious face was so funny.

I never really thought I smiled so much, but I guess I have a reason to now.

More specifically, let's keep smiling because my crying face is awful.

and kiss you as we die.

I could also annotate this one phrase to shreds. It comes from "Act V Scene IV And So It Ends Like It Begins" by The Ataris, a painfully epic, heart wrenching song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xj1kiQkGvsQ).

I probably wouldn't be so upset if stopped seeing so many couples out there. It's selfish, I know.

But it's only high school, I don't think we should be so wrapped up in another person now. We need to grow, not be hindered.

I say this and then I'll be head over heels over some other douchebag.

I really torture myself over love and I know I do. I am the biggest hopeless romantic I've ever known.

with every little word, you're getting closer to me.

"...talking loud and clear, saying just what you feel, today.".

OMD was fantastic, like they always are. Dad said it's never as good as the first time you saw them, but I have to disagree. They played a bunch of new songs and although they tend to just keep the same playlist from night to night, I can't complain. I was about six people away from the front. It was held at Irving Plaza, a small venue. OMD played for about two hours - two brilliant hours.

Stanlow
Messages
Tesla Girls
She's Leaving
History of Modern (Part 1)
(Forever) Live and Die
If You Leave
Souvenir
Joan of Arc
Maid of Orleans
Statues
Talking Loud and Clear
So In Love
Sister Marie Says
Locomotion
Dreaming
Sailing on the Seven Seas
Enola Gay

Encore:
Walking on the Milky Way
Secret
Electricity

Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt, basically. I smiled so much at that concert and I'm pretty sure I injured myself while dancing. Whatever. I was the youngest person there, by far. I wish someone would appreciate 80s music with me and not scorn against it. (Fuck the 70s and 60s, the 80s trump that so hard).

I mean, the only bad part about the whole night was the couple in front of me who insisted on making out between songs. There was actually spit everywhere and I was like, "Um. Well. I guess...?".

No, but seriously, my boyfriend better learn to appreciate the 80s. Or appreciate the 80s beforehand. Anything with the 80s is fine. None of this "wigger" crap. Or jocks. Or 6'5" blondes. Yeah.

I've been trying not to think of him and it's actually going pretty well. When I say him, I mean late August, early September him. Remember how I said that I can't physically cry anymore about this? It's still in session. When I do remember the crappy stuff he did to me, the overwhelming feeling of sadness and crying takes hold, but nothing falls from my eyes.

I don't think it's crappy - I actually just think it's scummy. I know that nudes and sexting exists in the "real world", but I don't think I should be pressured into in and then be laughed at. It's just wrong, obviously.

I probably wouldn't be dwelling on this so long if he didn't say love. He said I was the sweetest girl he's ever met...but you know, it's whatever. I don't even care about that. It's just "love" was said so many times. Like when during "Lesson Three" (Those who I told will get this immediately, so I hope), I asked him, "What do you think the people driving past here are thinking? They've got a clear view of Aury Island." and he responded, "Two people in love.".

I'll say it here, love and in love are entirely different things.

He's caught me caught up on things he said, which I guess is normal. I shouldn't be thinking much about this, but I just need to document this so it doesn't get to clogging my brain.

Until then, I'm mapping out my routes to Chinatown from Penn Station. When marching band is over, it's going to be me and that field.

I'm thinking about going out for the soccer team next year, just for fun. I don't want the scholarship crap or anything, I just want to run.

let me hear your voice.

I recently re-discovered The Ataris. I might have mentioned this before, but I honestly always forget how good their Welcome the Night album is. Though it deals heavily with religious concepts (Not so much about theisms or anything, but it's just something that you can tell), it's still a lot of fun to listen to. It's heavy without being heavy.

I mean, I tweeted about it on the way back from marching band in Brentwood. Kris Roe has an incredible control of the English language and it makes my heart as a writer go UNF. You don't actually hear "euphoria" used as a common adjective in songs, or comparisons such as "This world is like a whore, so ravishing, so beautiful. So bitter cold and all alone.". Once you think about it, it's quite true and interesting to think about.

I'm falling behind in schoolwork already. Go figure.

I'm seeing OMD tonight with my dad. My train is at 5:53 and I leave from Country Life Press. I get in at 6:33 PM at Penn Station. I'm so excited! Paul Humphreys has been singing more and I love his voice. I hope he sings "Secret" and "Souvenir". Oh, I'll cry. I will.

I'm also prepared to be the youngest person there again. Maybe Owen Pallet and Patrick will be there again!

water.

I like it when people text me. I like to know that they're thinking about me when going about their daily lives. It's kind of self-centered, I guess. I'm clearly over-analyzing the text message.

Whatever.

Goodnight.

i hate this love song.

What if I'm not supposed to be happy? What if I am supposed to sit in my own suffering for the rest of my life?

I won't let that happen. Never.

If you're going to act broken, work your way out of it. That's hard to stomach, I know so because I've endured incredible OCD the past five years, but I've worked my way out of nearly half of it. I want to be strong and I know I am. I try to be there for those who need it, but it's seemingly impossible because how does one react to something that they do not know? Generally, the human nature towards the unknown is to hate it and that is us as humans to be naturally indifferent.

I refuse to act broken because I am not broken. I am a normal member of society with a history of health issues, but who isn't? Why act any different? I am me and if you don't like that, then keep walking. I am so sick of negativity in my life, though I do know it exists.

I used to be treading through a tunnel of complete darkness but now, this year, I'm walking out it, still standing. I want to believe that everyone else can do the same thing.

I can be happy, you can be happy.

I think OMD put it best in simple terms from their song "If You Want It" from History of Modern: "If you want it, it will come, through the rain and burning sun.".

Stand tall.

I leave you with a K-Pop song, "Haru Haru" by BIGBANG: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzCbEdtNbJ0. Piano and R&B-esque lines have to be some of my favourite things, though not the most impressive musically.

knocks you down.

I used to be fascinated by heartbreak. I thought relationships solely were wonderful and I still do. It just hurts to be so emotionally ravaged and then deprived of something you coveted so. I used to think that relationships were better than marriage itself because of the constant threat of break up. I don't want that anymore. It hurts way too much in the literal and figurative sense. I thought that the wonder of being able to move on and have a bunch of boyfriends without actually settling down was better. Again, not the case anymore. Now, all I want to do is have a boyfriend that will be my soul mate because I believe in things like soul mates. I also wish on the first star I see and have a fascination with 11:11.

Although, 11:11 not so much. I found more luck in wishing on stars. I am a dreamer and I enjoy staring up at the celestial sky because the fact that the world is practically endless is wonderful.

Love is a complex thing and I know I'm not even nearly prepared for the severity of the word or what it entails, but I know in time that I will come to understand the real meaning and feeling of it. It won't be just through brief happiness and butterflies to quiet suffering. It will work and I hope I can achieve that, or just learn a part about the word with Eric, if I can make it work.

Like I said, I had a burst of confidence when I was "with" Drew. I'll thank him so much for that. Part of me wishes that he's still going to go to school in New York and we'll meet up. Maybe we can reconcile then. I wonder if he ever told his friends about me. (I mean, really, New York girls > Ohio girls). If I want something, I'm going to go after it. Or at least try to. I'm trying to do that with Eric, but I think he's even shyer than I. (Me? Making guys nervous! Blasphemy!).

I mean, I just remembered what Rob told me a year ago. The first time he spoke to me, he was putting away Pit equipment with me. He had been helping for a couple days now during band camp and then the first couple of practices that showed up during the school year. He made the stupidest conversation starter, I remember. He was asking me about the marimba, I think. He later revealed to me that it took him weeks to gather up the confidence to come up to talk to me, even if it was mundane. I thought that was kind of flattering. But I hate that I scared him, I guess.

I don't think I'm that frightening.

Granted, I know I act "tough" and I put on a "tough" face daily, but I'm really not. I'm really over-emotional and girly when you get to know me and get past my exoskeleton.

My only insecurities are my thighs and the scars from the rash I gave myself. I know I'm not ugly. I'm actually pretty and I have a good body. I love my small boobs and I love my butt (No, really, I do). Men are attracted to me and I know this whole paragraph just turned into an ego post, but I need to just remind myself when I ever feel down.

People like me for me and that's one of the best feelings in the world. Along with doing math and actually understanding what you're doing.

Summer ends in about a week, a little more, I think. I had a great summer. I really did. I made a post on my tumblr that said, "I'm seeing a drastic change in my likes and interests. I can't say if it's for the better yet. Here's to a summer of change and experience.". It basically sums up my entire summer. Let's go through what I accomplished.

• I started to re-read the Harry Potter series.
• I finished American Gods finally and began Anansi Boys, something I kept putting off. 
• I finished all my summer work in July after I got home from London.
• Did I mention I went to London, England for a week? 
• I saw Stornoway at Somerset House; my first English concert!
• I actually took the time to memorize my marching band music, unlike last year.
• I learned how to count music effectively. 
• I brought my average up about five or six points.
• I think I improved as a writer.
• I had my first summer fling/romance/relationship.
• I learned how to kiss - I'm allegedly a natural at it.

And now, I conclude. School tomorrow, OMD in five days. 

OH STELLA.

I did my daily blog checks on tumblr when I came across Natalie's most recent post, a picture of her in a mask of an old, greying Asian man with the caption, I quote, "To all my chinkas out there<33333 ;)".

Here's when I start getting mad. You just don't say that, you JUST DON'T. Even though everything is pretty much acceptable on tumblr, it's wrong to use the word "chink", as it is to use the word "nigger". Though she did not use the word "chink", it's clearly implied. Out of all the racial slurs you can throw at me as a Chinese-American, "chink" is one that will send me raging for days.

Please, think before you fucking speak, honestly. Don't do it for the laughs, because eventually it will come around and hit you when you least expect it. This is reason number 3240932409234 that Caroline never wants to speak with Natalie again.

i've been dying for this.

Also, one last thing.

I'm getting nervous for the state of my mind. There's a marching band party coming up in the next couple of weeks and generally they have alcohol. Michael says that it's sponsored by the parents, but that's never really stopped anyone.

I want to drink. I don't know why. I wish I didn't. If the opportunity comes up, I might just end up doing so. Liz does, I've done so before. It won't be anything different. I just don't know how I'll react with more alcohol in my system than I did before.

We'll see.

tired of being alone.

I just need to get ready for bed, but I meant to blog a little bit today.

Marching band on Saturday actually went well. I thought I was going to screw up, but I kept in time. I'm just dreading when we have to play "River of Tears" and "Joy". I have no idea how to play "Joy". I should have played a mallet part, but I just really didn't want to. You can't really hear the percussion, so I'm going to use that for a crutch as long as possible. Becky hasn't noticed yet, so if she hasn't...neither have I.

Second week of junior year starts tomorrow. I'm ready for this year, I think. I already think I'm falling behind in my work, but we'll see what happens. I just have to get a routine and then I'll be set. I have to work out my books and folders though. Shuffling around for them right before Spanish sixth period is really unnerving. I'm afraid to be late for Nuzzi's class. She seems like the person who will chew you out for being the slightest late.

Eric and I texted for a little bit this evening. He's going to hype up my arrival in October and he accented his "I'll see you in October" with a smiley face. I'm probably over-analyzing it. No, not even probably, I definitely am. I hate being an over-analyzer. After Drew, I'm way more comfortable with guys, I guess. (Then again, most of the guys I do talk to are a bit nerdy).

Spenser said he's going to come out to see me in one of the marching band competitions, which is really nice. He said he might even take me to his prom, so, that's a bit crazy. We'll see what happens. I kind of doubt it, but it's whatever. I don't get to see the YAPP crew until November. It sucks so much. Maybe we can all hang out on one of the free Saturdays I have.

You know, if any of them ever answered their freaking phone.

I don't have many intentions of being tired tomorrow morning, so I will have to go to sleep now.

"Koe Wo Kikasete (声をきかせて)" by BIGBANG (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQjcJBGIFsA).

"I Need a Girl" by Taeyang (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BuuiBjL09KY).

"Dawning" by Tamaryn (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlRUEEhGJV4).

I just want to comment on "Dawning". The lyrics are incredible, though repeated quite a bit. It really hits you. It might just be me. Enjoy.

I've been listening to K-Pop too much. I apologize.

i've got a new job now on the unemployment line.

Somethings I need to work on: Accepting these stupid rash scars and my flubby thighs. I gave myself these scars, they'll fade, until then, they just look like massive freckles. Being able to accept my emotional breakdown as a breakdown. I'm no longer going to play it off as sarcasm if it hurts.

I realized I'm somewhat like Alistair from Dragon Age. He plays everything personally asked him with a bluff and so do I. I wonder if anyone catches it.

koe wo kikasete.

I'm actually making new friends this year! I never thought I'd be the one to do that. I like being able to step out of my bubble now. I mean, it is a life skill. Maybe I'm just late to the party.

I have my first APUSH test tomorrow. Cornell notes on the summer reading are due Monday. I really shouldn't be writing this, but I would like to make this a daily thing. Every time I say that, it never works.

To the notes!

Day Seven: Flat out no.

tonight.

I'm just doing a quick check in today. I'm going to bed really soon. My face washing routine is really the thing that takes up the most time.

I got Eric's number today and John's. I can't go into Chinatown until October 9th and only for that weekend. I won't really be able to go until Marching Band is over. Reason #2342039483240234 marching band sucks.

I got to talk to Fleming today. It was nice to see her. She's really chill. I wish I could take Ethics senior year.

I'm writing the diversity essay. I think I could actually win if I can figure out how to come up with four-hundred more words and a new topic to discuss. Each paragraph is about 156 words each. Not so bad, right? I'm really proud of what I've written so far.

Drew's texting me now. Are we serious? ARE WE SERIOUS. He's asking for nudes, basically. Are you fucking serious? You haven't talked to me in like, three days? You text me all horny? Fuck you! FUCK YOU.

I swear, people just don't want me being relatively stable during school. I've been listening to BIGBANG, a South Korean boyband, a lot. I don't know. I just need something to feel like I can dance to. I'll probably end up being an angry dancer.

"I still remember very clearly just what it used to be like
I just can’t seem to erase these images in my head
Can’t you tell me just what do I need to do
To let you find a way to my heart (my heart)?
When I wake up each morning, I still see traces of you
Every day, I still pray that I will see you once again
Am I in a dream? Should I let go? Should I keep this pain to myself?
My mind tells me what to do (what to do), but then my heart says (but then my heart says)How can I give up just like that and not fight?
For something inside tells me if I…if I keep trying, you’ll come back one day"

That's from "Koe wo Kiksete" by them (BIGBANG). Obviously that's the English translation - they sang this in Japanese. Fucking overdramatic son of a bitch, I am. 


Now that this is going on, I'm not going to sleep tonight. I woke up this morning and I felt like crap. I wake up and it's still dark. I just honestly didn't feel like getting out of bed today. I felt like wallowing in my own self-pity and I know it's bad. 


But now that I know Eric cares about me a little bit, that's always nice. I saw Spenser, John and Corey today. I haven't seen them since mid-May. I really like going YAPP. I really feel like I can be myself there without being judged. I don't know. 


I can just roll in there, look like a mess and still be accepted as a decent person. 


It just occurred to me that Drew's basically like cheating on his "girlfriend" by asking for nudes. What a cunt. Cuntie cunt cunt.


I'm just so tired and I can't deal with this right now. I felt so good after coming home from YAPP. I wish that feeling would come back.

Day Six: Probably not.

i tried to get my head clear.

Mediocre art from a mediocre artist. I'm just glad I got the proportions right. I wish you could see the colour better.

baby, i can feel myself giving up.

Nicki Minaj has actually been soundtracking my days recently. It feels good. I need something rough to listen to. Soft indie music has been driving me up the wall because it hurts too much. Nicki Minaj is fueling my "dont give a fuck" attitude and makes me not cry. She's making me stronger. I never thought I would ever say anything like that, but it's so true right now.

Drew got a new girl and I can't say I'm surprised, but I am. Even though she's not "new" - he went out with her before. I found out through my cousin, Katie. I cried loudly when I found out, but it was a short cry and I can't even force myself to cry anymore. It's like I've worn by tear ducts - (he just poked me on facebook now...really?) dry. They just won't work anymore. As if I'll have to replace them surgically or something.

It's gotten to the point where hurting this much over a guy is just normal for me. I wish it wasn't. Like I've said before, I'm just done with white guys. I've never found myself attracted to an Asian guy...except for Taeyang of BigBang and Tatsuya Fujiwara. I suppose Eric is my new interest...but not really. I've never spoken to him in person. I'll have to see what happens.

How could it me, little me
Had the power to be the best B, in the league
Yeah inevitably, but could it be little me
You was heckling me, now it's monotony when I regularly
I catch wreck on recreation, so I exceed all your expectations
Bitches ain't got it in 'em, I kill 'em and then I skin 'em
The contract was signed but I am the addendum
So wh-where my dawgs at, Randy
Ma-ma-matter fact, get off my dick bitch, Andy
Ca-ca-ca-cause everything is fine and dandy
Go against me nooooow, I dare you, Bambi
Half a million dollars just to upgrade the car show
I ain't even detonate the bombs and the arsenal
Before the storm comes the calm
Hope you can take the heat like LeBron
Ahh, ha hahahaha ha
I'm the best now, anybody with some money should invest now
Soccer mom needs to organize a pep rall
You game over bitch, Gatorade, wet towel
Mothafuckers ain't ready, they neva been
As long as I am in the game, you'll never win
I'm on that different type of high, heroin
Put on my cape and hit the sky, heroine!

You just can't get the rawness of rap in "fantastic" music. Am I changing? I just noticed that they sampled "Don't You (Forget About Me)" by Simple Minds. Wow.

"Blazin'" by Nicki Minaj featuring Kanye West (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JaOFuU0vQJk).

I guess it's a good reaction to want to be painfully successful when someone breaks my heart as opposed to sitting around eating my feelings in ice cream and chocolate.

Real school starts tomorrow. Nayim in front of me in Chem smells exactly like Drew. It hurts, specifically because of today's events, but now I feel stronger than steel. I don't know how I deal with this but it just happens. Thank you, music, for being there for me when I need to hear profanity and the blood of lyrics.

Blood representing the base and roughness of music. It made sense to me in my head. It may not be natural, but FUCK. I'm not going to fucking listen to "I Sing, I Swim" by Seabear to cheer me up!

IT FEELS LIKE I'M BLAZIN'. 

You fucking motherfucker.

I'd tell you now, but I'm not going to lose it.

Do not fucking betray my trust or make a fool of my care. I will make you a buffoon and I promise you, oh I promise you, when I'm out of school, you will not be able to go anywhere without hearing my fucking name.

hold your colour against the wall.

I just spent the past hour studying for my permit. I got perfects on all of the practice tests on the website. I wonder if that means I'm knowledgeable enough to take the test and get my permit. If anyone knows about that in New York State, it would be greatly appreciated if you could let me know like in a comment or something. My cousin James says that I can easily pass it, but I don't know. I just want the ID, to be honest. Driving makes me anxious, but not anxious enough to the point that I don't want to drive. But the legal ID would be really nice, you know, for shows and everything.

I'm going to go look back at the manual they gave me months ago and then review just little things. It's always the small details that get me. Like when parallel parking, you have to stay one foot from the curb or thirty centimeters. I always thought I was good with retaining small details, but small details that are obsolete.

Ohio driver's licenses are vertical and red. I like my New York style ID. Whatever. (Even though I'm more of a fan of red).

I wish Drew would stop plaguing my mind. I have to start a new school year. If he wants to contact me, let him. I'm done with making the steps over (trust me, this "I'm done!" crap is as official as Sammi's is from the Jersey Shore. Jesus).

I need to read the last twenty pages of my book, shower and prepare to look presentable tomorrow. I did my nails today early so that I wouldn't have to worry about them later. My dad's making ribs tonight, the one's where he boils them in orange juice for an hour. The meat falls right off the bone. Om nom nom.

Until tomorrow, the first day of school. I'll be compiling something to listen to as the day progresses. I leave you with some Kanye and OMD.

"Devil In A New Dress" by Kanye West (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8wvq43wCSg).

"Green" by OMD (Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEGpSEbO43U).

I can't wait to see OMD again at Irving Plaza. My dad wants me to take the train in to meet him, but then he realized that I have no idea how to use the trains in New York. I'd probably get into Penn Station and just start crying. But I figure a crash course on the train station and the subways would be a surefire to learn the streets of Manhattan.

i hear your heart cry for love.

Day Five: No, I haven't. I have a strict policy of no second chances. Or at least I try to.

Guess it's not so strict.

that 70s show.

Day Four: I think I'm pretty easy to get along with. If I don't have some reason to hate you beforehand, we'll get along just fine.

I mean, I'll treat you like my best friend if you come up to talk me. I appreciate people.

i fell for you completely.

I had a really great day at the Jersey Shore. The Seaside Heights beach was nice, unlike the beaches in New York. The sand was weird though. I'm so used to the sand being really fine and firm like the beaches down in Florida. But you can't always get what you want.

I documented most of the day. I wish I did that more. I feel like when I go to college and then for some bizarre reason I want to relive the moment, I'll regret not doing this.

It was really nice to get out into the sun instead of marinating in my basement to be as pasty and pimply as possible when school comes around. I missed Nick's birthday party for this, but how many chances am I going to have to go to the Jersey Shore with my friends?

I tried to think minimally about Drew as possible. It's so complicated. I had a dream that I was just cuddling with him in some apartment in the city, or a city. It was a really nice dream. I could smell his cologne and whatnot, but then I woke up. Felt like crap and trudged through the beginning of my day.

I don't really want to have to trudge through the beginning of my day until I eventually get over him. It might be never.

Day Three: Tracy, Jenna and Drew.

The third person being possibly very flaky and that makes me sad.

See, I told you it's complicated.

Day Two:

I think it's safe to say I'm shy. I like to believe I'm outgoing, but I'm really not.

why are you so paranoid?

I come to my blog to write a bit on an article I saw in The Week while eating stew. It really wasn't an article, more of a blurb. It came from Time.com by Susanna Schrobsdorff's "Must women always be 'hot'?" and it talks about the standardization of beauty in America starting with the international outrage in French Vogue of a ten-year old dolled up with leopard-print stilletto heels and stretched out on a tiger skin. Besides the wave of disgust I had, I think it's safe to say this.

Growing up in a predominantly Irish, German, English and Italian neighbourhood skewed my views of beauty from the time I got into elementary school. Why? Everyone was blonde and fair-skinned. Though I knew I was not fully Chinese, I knew that I was darker than most of my classmates. It made me think that I was lesser than them because I couldn't have fair skin just like them. I was lesser than them because my hair wasn't light and had different shades in them. By third grade, I was content with being the ugly girl; in third grade. Fourth grade came around and I said, "Well, actually, I like how I look! Whatever! I'm not ugly, I just look different."

No matter how a person grows up, they should never grow up to believe at such a young age that they are ugly.

It's not like us as Americans are doing anything to prevent the low self-esteem of the future generations of America. Shows like Toddlers and Tiaras make it seem okay to put your kids through pageants because it's just a "cultural" thing of the South to do. Wrong. When a family sits down to watch television, any young girl watching Toddlers and Tiaras is shown that the only true beauty is to wear makeup and have nice hair at all times. You have to own and wear nice things while being "talented" and not care much about education because others will do your tasks for you.

Commercials are also showing that the only way to be beautiful is by using their product to get long, luscious eyelashes with heavy eyeliner and smoky eyeshadow. There is no room for originality in the world of makeup because anything less than what is shown on television screens is not conventional.

As an American, you are expected to be a platinum blonde with straight hair, blue-eyed, fair-skinned and relatively short or just below average height. You are expected to have at least a B cup, below one-hundred twenty pounds and some form of muscle.

You might say, "Well, I've seen a bunch of celebrities with different hairstyles and colour and they're still considered gorgeous. What gives?"

The access to hair dyes gives America the ability to change what is completely fine. As I do believe in using hair dye when your own hair colour begins to fade, it does make me hypocritical. But to change your hair colour when you have plenty of it on your head, does not make sense. To follow a trend to be beautiful in today's eyes? Tomorrow, you will be just a story because you couldn't keep up. A funny one, too.

America's fear towards the unknown does not help the cause to prevent stereotypical beauty, either. Racism stems from the unknown about someone different and it usually pokes fun at the outward face of the person. Racism, not only does it give America the ugly face, it tells the minority that you will never be as beautiful as an American because you do not fit the regulation.

Through that, the minority is stomped on and looked down upon because America has subjugated them into a lesser place.

We are told that we are all equal. We are told that we are all beautiful, but beauty is commercialized as the same type of person.

We are told we are beautiful but we are never the same as them. It's almost as if they expect a person to melt into a mold to become the standard for American beauty.

In reality, we are forced to dress all the same to feel apart of something, being beauty culture. Those who do not are frowned upon and their egos are smashed because they believe in something else. Feeling pretty in commercialized ware is not something I frown upon but it's the scorn that is given in tempered silence. The "originals" are frowned on by the standards.

America will never accept beauty for what it is. You are beautiful just the way you are (pardon the Bruno Mars reference) and you don't need to force yourself to conform to what society says to. People will eventually grow to love you for you are and I think that is one lesson America desperately needs to learn.

Commercialized success in beauty products with the same blondes and makeup styles can end. A sudden surge of originality and a face that says "Fuck what you think, this is what I think is beautiful!" can change a mantra.

You are beautiful, no matter who you are, where you come from or what your body type is.

I will probably do this.

1. Drew. (Seems pretty obvious, I don't know).

down, down, down.

So.

To be honest, I'm even a little confused about what happened last night.

I asked Drew, "Are we a thing/couple?" and he responded, "Distance is hard, but we can keep things going as they are because I do love you. If you were in Ohio, I would date you, hands down." Or something like that.

It's one of those days where I hate words. He won't be coming to New York for a really long time. I mean, if we can hang on until March, then I'll believe that we're essentially indestructible.

In theory.

He's okay with me dating other guys, but I'm not okay with me dating other guys. I'm an awkward penguin. I don't know how to approach a member of the opposite sex and engage in conversation.

Eh.

Until then.

"Heart Vacancy" by The Wanted, remixed by DJs from Mars: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amgGLLPd-Lg

"Street Lights" by Kanye West: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JaBdZDcYknM