I believe I am happy. I can fully enjoy life, knowing that it has all these wonders for me to enjoy. I understand that there will be ups and downs, but again, that's life. You trek through and you enjoy the fruits of your labour.
You meet some oddballs, you handle them. You press on, like a good soldier.
When I get down, I always tell myself that good soldiers always march on. I want to be a good soldier, so I hold my head up high and work hard. Other people say I don't work hard at all, but work to the point where I physically sicken myself. (Physics? I studied to the point where looking at the review packet made me ill. I only got one question wrong on the part one).
I'm a pessimistic though, as a safety net. I'd love to think that the world is entirely good, but it's not. It's not even a matter of turning on the news, it's an understanding of reality. Pessimism is viewing the world as it actually is (some say depression, I say pessimism).
The leaves in the fall are red, yellows and purples, yet they will die like everyone else will. The blue in the sky brightens the colours in our eyes, but it too, fades into a black. The stars never really light up the sky like they do in the movies. They only fade.
The universe is pulling apart as we speak.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
the expectations can be great.
Don't blow up at me for not disclosing how I feel.
No one has asked me how I've felt about anything in the past five years, nor do they let me talk without some snide comment.
This is why I never unfold myself.
This is why no one reads my writing, knows my favourite songs or knows my dreams.
I just keep losing.
No one has asked me how I've felt about anything in the past five years, nor do they let me talk without some snide comment.
This is why I never unfold myself.
This is why no one reads my writing, knows my favourite songs or knows my dreams.
I just keep losing.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
i'm missing you.
To be honest, I'm just really fed up with people in general right now.
They don't understand personal space, time or place. By place, I mean solo time. Sometimes I just want to listen to music and sometimes I just really want to talk. I never really thought of myself of either an introvert or an extrovert, but I think now I can say I am somewhere in the middle. A moderate of sorts.
I'm somewhat pissed off at Michael right now. Why? Because he honestly be such a shithead and he doesn't know when to stop. God forbid I can't do something, that means I just hate everyone and everything. I snapped at him today, only slightly. I felt bad after I did it, but that was only about a percent of everything I have been bottling up.
I feel like I have no one to turn to, but I know I don't need them for a venting purpose. (In retrospect, I probably do, but at this point in time, I'd rather be in denial and pretend that I don't). Other people just don't have the time of day for me and I totally understand. I'd rather not burden you anyway.
I text some people, get a lackluster response. I understand; people are busy and you can't always be their number one priority.
Socially, I am not worried. I know if I wanted to, I could make friends. Life in general I'm just worried about. I'm worried that I won't be able to do the things I want to, branch out, things like that.
I just feel like my best friend doesn't even know who I am.
Does he know I love the city? Does he know that I want to go out and have fun? Does he even know my favourite song?
It's dumb, but it's things like that.
(Internally, I feel like I have a very wild partier, but given my group of friends, not a diss or anything, partying is out of the question).
I'm a hunk of flesh to people and I only have less of a year less with these bums.
Don't think you're going to be "stealing" my friends, Michael. You can meet them, but it's time we've all grown up from middle school.
They don't understand personal space, time or place. By place, I mean solo time. Sometimes I just want to listen to music and sometimes I just really want to talk. I never really thought of myself of either an introvert or an extrovert, but I think now I can say I am somewhere in the middle. A moderate of sorts.
I'm somewhat pissed off at Michael right now. Why? Because he honestly be such a shithead and he doesn't know when to stop. God forbid I can't do something, that means I just hate everyone and everything. I snapped at him today, only slightly. I felt bad after I did it, but that was only about a percent of everything I have been bottling up.
I feel like I have no one to turn to, but I know I don't need them for a venting purpose. (In retrospect, I probably do, but at this point in time, I'd rather be in denial and pretend that I don't). Other people just don't have the time of day for me and I totally understand. I'd rather not burden you anyway.
I text some people, get a lackluster response. I understand; people are busy and you can't always be their number one priority.
Socially, I am not worried. I know if I wanted to, I could make friends. Life in general I'm just worried about. I'm worried that I won't be able to do the things I want to, branch out, things like that.
I just feel like my best friend doesn't even know who I am.
Does he know I love the city? Does he know that I want to go out and have fun? Does he even know my favourite song?
It's dumb, but it's things like that.
(Internally, I feel like I have a very wild partier, but given my group of friends, not a diss or anything, partying is out of the question).
I'm a hunk of flesh to people and I only have less of a year less with these bums.
Don't think you're going to be "stealing" my friends, Michael. You can meet them, but it's time we've all grown up from middle school.
Friday, September 28, 2012
boats and trains.
I've come here to express my disdain for a lot of things. I'm a person who tends to keep my personal issues to myself for a couple of reasons.
- I do not like to burden others.
- I feel awkward in doing so.
- I feel that I am stronger than I actually am and that I can handle it.
I'm also a firm believer in the idea that people do not deserve second chances, you should not be friends with someone if you do not trust them and that toxic personalities must be removed as soon as possible (toxic personalities only fester; they turn into people who refuse to do things to help themselves and I can't stand that anymore). I'm not afraid to stop talking to someone completely if they fall into any of these categories.
I always make myself available to people if they need someone to talk to, vent to, whatever. I keep my phone on loud at night so in case if anyone needs to talk to someone late at night, I can be there for them. I want to be there for my friends because that's what friends do: they're there for each other. Like this summer, two people needed someone to talk to late at night. I was on vacation and I usually sleep early, just to get more sun, but no. I stayed up into the early hours of the night because my friends needed me.
Again, that's what friends do.
Here's the catch. Do my friends ever do any of this crap for me? No. (Exception of only two. TWO).
I wouldn't just go off about this for no reason. NO ONE takes into account how I feel about anything. For example, Michael about Natalie told me it was my fault that I was making things awkward for everyone else. IF I DON'T LIKE TO BE AROUND SOMEBODY, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO RESPECT THAT. IT'S ENTIRELY DISRESPECTFUL TO ME AND I WOULD NEVER SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO YOU. I say some off hand comment to someone else, I'm being dramatic. It's never, "Oh, Caroline, maybe you should approach it this way. I always try and do this when I feel <insert feeling here>, maybe it'll help?".
So don't fucking tell me it's my fault because I have emotions that make your planning harder. I told people specifically if you are hanging out with Natalie, do not invite me. I do not want to be there, so don't try and include me and don't give me the bullshit of "we want to hang out with you both". I never make my friends hang out with people they don't like. If I made plans and they want to hang out, I explain it to them clearly and make plans with them another day.
It's not just that either. How many times to I have to mention that I don't like so and so person to my friend and I still end up in the same air space as them? My friends have no respect for me, yet I have so much for them. Why do I keep doing the things I'm doing? Because I'm a good person.
I don't want to be a hardass all the time, but I just wished someone would say they cared. Not say I'm being dramatic, unreasonable and ridiculous.
I never call anyone dramatic, unreasonable or ridiculous. Why? Because it really hurts.
I got home, just sat on the floor and whimpered. I almost started crying in the car because precisely, no one cares. I had to keep tilting my head back and sighing to stop it. When you asked ambiguously how our day was, I almost started screaming at you.
And never say I'm the only person you talk to anymore, because that's bullshit, too.
I only whimper. I shed one tear, pull it together and march on. That's what good soldiers do.
still have yet to cry
Monday, September 24, 2012
and a moment's hesitation
I'm just trying to get my life in order to get ready for college. Isn't that honorable in some way? I've filled out the Common App promptly, connected it to Naviance, finished my college essay and had it edited by Oriani. I got all my resumes in to the teacher that need it and whatever. I've done a lot for one month, I think.
When I do try to study, it's always a joke. I was a punk freshman year, not now. Why can't any of you see that? I fucking try, I ask questions, I stay after class, what else could I do?
I spent about an hour today just doing physics and math, two subjects that I hate with a burning passion. The results are showing though but my parents don't notice that. It's all my shortcomings and crap like that. Some say that's good parenting, but they've never really supported me in ways typical parents would. Coming to senior year and realizing this, it really hurts.
It's always something Catherine can do, never something I can do. I'm just the lazy fuck with no future because I didn't study in freshman year. FRESHMAN. YEAR.
Let's all step away from that because my average was A 94 THE NEXT YEAR. A LITERAL SEVEN POINT JUMP. So don't fucking say that I never work my ass off, because I fucking do.
I worked hard for my trig score. I didn't need Wally this year, I did that myself. I found the help I needed and I progressed. I grew up. I don't know what else I could do to become a "young adult".
If you're going to make a joke out of everything I do, I'm going to stop doing it. Not because I'm stubborn, only because it's pretty much natural for anyone to do that. You're being ridiculed for something you're doing? You stop. You don't want to deal with the mental strain that being mocked brings.
I honestly can't wait to get out of here, just because I've had it with my parents not believing in me, or anyone.
I'm there for everyone else, but no one is there for me.
Mostly because I don't let people in.
I'm scared to.
When I do try to study, it's always a joke. I was a punk freshman year, not now. Why can't any of you see that? I fucking try, I ask questions, I stay after class, what else could I do?
I spent about an hour today just doing physics and math, two subjects that I hate with a burning passion. The results are showing though but my parents don't notice that. It's all my shortcomings and crap like that. Some say that's good parenting, but they've never really supported me in ways typical parents would. Coming to senior year and realizing this, it really hurts.
It's always something Catherine can do, never something I can do. I'm just the lazy fuck with no future because I didn't study in freshman year. FRESHMAN. YEAR.
Let's all step away from that because my average was A 94 THE NEXT YEAR. A LITERAL SEVEN POINT JUMP. So don't fucking say that I never work my ass off, because I fucking do.
I worked hard for my trig score. I didn't need Wally this year, I did that myself. I found the help I needed and I progressed. I grew up. I don't know what else I could do to become a "young adult".
If you're going to make a joke out of everything I do, I'm going to stop doing it. Not because I'm stubborn, only because it's pretty much natural for anyone to do that. You're being ridiculed for something you're doing? You stop. You don't want to deal with the mental strain that being mocked brings.
I honestly can't wait to get out of here, just because I've had it with my parents not believing in me, or anyone.
I'm there for everyone else, but no one is there for me.
Mostly because I don't let people in.
I'm scared to.
waiting for a train, going nowhere.
I never understood why my parents always said that they always believed in me.
Because they never did and they always try to lie to me that they do.
I'm so sick of it.
Maybe it's because I don't know the feeling of someone believing in me, simply because I try to stay away from the center.
It's a very empty feeling.
Because they never did and they always try to lie to me that they do.
I'm so sick of it.
Maybe it's because I don't know the feeling of someone believing in me, simply because I try to stay away from the center.
It's a very empty feeling.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
i'm giving you a nightcall
I really suck at express my emotions. Not like happiness or things like that. I am genuinely happy right now.
But sometimes, when I need to cry, just because it's a very purging feeling and refreshing, I can't.
Crying is weakness.
Continuing on with my day, now.
But sometimes, when I need to cry, just because it's a very purging feeling and refreshing, I can't.
Crying is weakness.
Continuing on with my day, now.
Friday, September 7, 2012
i took a walk and threw up in an english garden.
Sometimes I hate how immensely loyal I am. You know what? I know that I am, so I have every right to say it. I will defend your honour like it was my own, I will fight for you, I will keep your secrets 'til the day that I die.
You need to vent, I need to vent.
I dislike the fact that some people recognize this, but get shocked at the fact that I just drop people sometimes. The reason is simple: you do something to destroy the trust we built, you can forget about friendship. Why be friends with anyone if you can't trust them?
If you need me late at night, early in the morning, I will be there for you. I find it sad to say I've had friends in the past who would not do the same.
I really hate it when people get mad at me for dropping people, then coming back to me and saying something like, "Oh, you were so right. Why didn't I listen?". Yeah, why didn't you listen?
Don't get pissy with me if I choose not to talk to someone. I don't get pissy with you. I never really understood. If you can respect the ideas and thoughts of someone on something, anything, why can't you understand my desire to not talk to someone?
Are we so incapable of maintaining different groups of friends?
It bothers me because I am seen as an anomaly in the eyes of the "norm". I'm not patting myself on the back and saying, "Wow, I am so different, aren't I such a special snowflake.", I'm saying, I go with my gut. I don't like something, I'm out.
It saves the time and agony over whether so and so is mad at so and so. They don't talk, done. No drama.
You can stop trying to get me to change my ways, because this is how I was raised. Trust is vital; drama is not. I never try and change you. I give you my opinion and the logistics and I leave you at that. I never say anything that would create consequence if you didn't do it.
You're your own person; so am I.
So, as I utter an angry, shuddering breath, I am done. Fuck you.
--
My mind has been blissfully empty as of right now. No drama, no studying worries, no boys. Finally.
A good blissful ignorance.
You need to vent, I need to vent.
I dislike the fact that some people recognize this, but get shocked at the fact that I just drop people sometimes. The reason is simple: you do something to destroy the trust we built, you can forget about friendship. Why be friends with anyone if you can't trust them?
If you need me late at night, early in the morning, I will be there for you. I find it sad to say I've had friends in the past who would not do the same.
I really hate it when people get mad at me for dropping people, then coming back to me and saying something like, "Oh, you were so right. Why didn't I listen?". Yeah, why didn't you listen?
Don't get pissy with me if I choose not to talk to someone. I don't get pissy with you. I never really understood. If you can respect the ideas and thoughts of someone on something, anything, why can't you understand my desire to not talk to someone?
Are we so incapable of maintaining different groups of friends?
It bothers me because I am seen as an anomaly in the eyes of the "norm". I'm not patting myself on the back and saying, "Wow, I am so different, aren't I such a special snowflake.", I'm saying, I go with my gut. I don't like something, I'm out.
It saves the time and agony over whether so and so is mad at so and so. They don't talk, done. No drama.
You can stop trying to get me to change my ways, because this is how I was raised. Trust is vital; drama is not. I never try and change you. I give you my opinion and the logistics and I leave you at that. I never say anything that would create consequence if you didn't do it.
You're your own person; so am I.
So, as I utter an angry, shuddering breath, I am done. Fuck you.
--
My mind has been blissfully empty as of right now. No drama, no studying worries, no boys. Finally.
A good blissful ignorance.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Silence.
My senior schedule could be better, but I do have friends in my classes, so that's good. I don't have anyone in my off or lunch period, that's kind of bad.
When did I become a senior?
When did I become a senior?
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
haven't seen you for ages, i still fly into the rages at the mention of your name.
I'm really digging Destroyer right now. I heard "Chinatown" by them in a spur of the moment. I threw it on my phone just because it had been sitting in my Windows Media Player for ages, never listened to it.
Regretting the time that I had not been listening to it. I've really fallen in love with "Bay of Pigs (Detail)" though. There's really no continued thought to it, just a bunch of beautiful sentences that fall together perfectly.
Perhaps it's just because the middle portion I can really relate/feel to.
"Please remove your spurs, come to think of it, remove your antlers, haven't seen you for ages, I still fly into rages at the mention of your name. Christine...White."
Yeah, I came to terms that I never really got over Drew. I find myself comparing other dudes to him and I know I shouldn't, but whatever. It's a slow process. It doesn't really help that I'm down here, but I love it down here regardless.
They renovated Aury Island, so, there's a whole another structure, but a bunch of bushes growing in front of where we used to make out. I'm thinking they grew those just to prevent passerbys from ever seeing that shit again.
Eloquent, I know.
My family keeps bringing him up, and then they bring up Ian. I swear, I think they think I'm some sort of sexual deviant. They always joke about it, you know? Like, I get it, I like boys, some boys might find me attractive.
But in reality, if I was such a sexual deviant, would they be making jokes about it? They'd be fucking pissed, worried etc.
And this is what pisses me off, my guy cousins can joke about all this shit with them, but they don't give a fuck. But God forbid, Caroline shoves her fucking tongue down some asshole's throat and World War Three just started.
And here is when I post about how fucking horny I am right now. Still a virgin, though. Does that make sense? Of course it does. I'm looking at all these damn Olympian athletes, guys at the pool, waiters, attendants, FUCKING CASHIERS SO GOD DAMN HUNGRY.
Think I'll relax now. I really need to go shopping.
Regretting the time that I had not been listening to it. I've really fallen in love with "Bay of Pigs (Detail)" though. There's really no continued thought to it, just a bunch of beautiful sentences that fall together perfectly.
Perhaps it's just because the middle portion I can really relate/feel to.
"Please remove your spurs, come to think of it, remove your antlers, haven't seen you for ages, I still fly into rages at the mention of your name. Christine...White."
Yeah, I came to terms that I never really got over Drew. I find myself comparing other dudes to him and I know I shouldn't, but whatever. It's a slow process. It doesn't really help that I'm down here, but I love it down here regardless.
They renovated Aury Island, so, there's a whole another structure, but a bunch of bushes growing in front of where we used to make out. I'm thinking they grew those just to prevent passerbys from ever seeing that shit again.
Eloquent, I know.
My family keeps bringing him up, and then they bring up Ian. I swear, I think they think I'm some sort of sexual deviant. They always joke about it, you know? Like, I get it, I like boys, some boys might find me attractive.
But in reality, if I was such a sexual deviant, would they be making jokes about it? They'd be fucking pissed, worried etc.
And this is what pisses me off, my guy cousins can joke about all this shit with them, but they don't give a fuck. But God forbid, Caroline shoves her fucking tongue down some asshole's throat and World War Three just started.
And here is when I post about how fucking horny I am right now. Still a virgin, though. Does that make sense? Of course it does. I'm looking at all these damn Olympian athletes, guys at the pool, waiters, attendants, FUCKING CASHIERS SO GOD DAMN HUNGRY.
Think I'll relax now. I really need to go shopping.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Sunday, July 29, 2012
you know, you know i'm the same.
I just want to be friends with Ian now.
I feel awful for saying it.
But I assume this is what they mean that geminis are hard to tie down. Then again, I am still only in high school. I still have a lot of time to dick around, I guess.
To be honest, I just think he deserves someone better. Sounds awful verbalized, but I think it's the truth. I'm not quiet, I'm brash. I'm not dependent, I'm independent. It's not a bad thing, but for his personality, I think he needs someone quieter.
He kept wringing his hands throughout the date and I felt genuinely bad, just because it was partially my fault. I was making him nervous and he was expressing it. I was nervous beforehand, but I'm not one to show any weakness.
I was thinking about it later at dinner. We're pretty much polar opposites, which isn't a bad thing (reiterate). I'm competitive, he's not; I'm a bit more open, he's a little held back.
When he called my face a beacon of light, I almost threw up, not going to lie. I feel like anyone else would have taken that comment very well, but I didn't. Hell, it was really poetic, I guess, but I wasn't feeling it.
I'm a big jumble of mixed emotions. I'm not really sure how to feel. I meant to keep this short, too.
I hugged him goodbye in Penn Station and when we pulled away, he lingered a little bit, like expecting more. (Look, if you want to kiss me, it's your job to initiate it first, just the first time).
Everything else went really well. I had a really good time, but I'd rather him a friend, not a boyfriend. He didn't ask to see me again, so, I don't really know what that means.
Probably negative, but I'm used to the negative.
"forever (live and die)" by omd.
I feel awful for saying it.
But I assume this is what they mean that geminis are hard to tie down. Then again, I am still only in high school. I still have a lot of time to dick around, I guess.
To be honest, I just think he deserves someone better. Sounds awful verbalized, but I think it's the truth. I'm not quiet, I'm brash. I'm not dependent, I'm independent. It's not a bad thing, but for his personality, I think he needs someone quieter.
He kept wringing his hands throughout the date and I felt genuinely bad, just because it was partially my fault. I was making him nervous and he was expressing it. I was nervous beforehand, but I'm not one to show any weakness.
I was thinking about it later at dinner. We're pretty much polar opposites, which isn't a bad thing (reiterate). I'm competitive, he's not; I'm a bit more open, he's a little held back.
When he called my face a beacon of light, I almost threw up, not going to lie. I feel like anyone else would have taken that comment very well, but I didn't. Hell, it was really poetic, I guess, but I wasn't feeling it.
I'm a big jumble of mixed emotions. I'm not really sure how to feel. I meant to keep this short, too.
I hugged him goodbye in Penn Station and when we pulled away, he lingered a little bit, like expecting more. (Look, if you want to kiss me, it's your job to initiate it first, just the first time).
Everything else went really well. I had a really good time, but I'd rather him a friend, not a boyfriend. He didn't ask to see me again, so, I don't really know what that means.
Probably negative, but I'm used to the negative.
"forever (live and die)" by omd.
Monday, July 23, 2012
studio laughter.
I'm glad Tracy's supportive of the whole idea, which makes me feel so much better. I don't know. Jenna was like, "So, Caroline, are you into Portuguese guys now?" and literally I sent a message to Tracy telling her about how I needed to go out with a Spanish/South American/Portuguese guy just to get it out of my system.
Dammit Santiago. (Every time I say his name, I have to say it with the Spanish accent). Sahnteeyaaahgo. I professed my love for him as he got on the bus back to Cornell. "Santiago, te quiero por eternidad!". Valentina nearly pissed herself and Jensen was just used to my odd behaviours, so she laughed.
But the problem is, we're going out on Sunday. This Sunday. Which, is totally cool, it works out really nicely. But the anticipation is killing me. I wake up with butterflies, go to sleep with butterflies, walk around with butterflies, eat with butterflies, etc etc. I'm literally so nervous, so happy, so excited, but I have no one to express this to. Why am I so nervous? I went to prom with him and hung out with him with Michael a couple of weeks ago.
As I'm writing this, my stomach is doing flips and turns.
He wants to take me to a cafe for lunch and then we're going to walk around Greenwich Village, looking at bookstores and record shops. Essentially the perfect date, in my terms. Tracy says it's romantic and it is, but I'm still like "WHAT DO WITH BOY".
Like do I hold his hand or whatever? WHAT DO I DO I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
The time between today and until Sunday is decent, let me reiterate it. BUT I'M GETTING SO WORKED UP AND ugh.
Michael reminded me that he's going to college soon and long distance is hard. Trust me, I know. But I'm going to assume that Ian is a better guy than Drew and won't cheat on me...then not have the balls to even properly end it with me.
I won't lie, I was crushing on Ian a little bit after prom and whatever. I chose not to say anything about it just because it's just weird, you know? Like, the only people I only tell anything to are Tracy and Jenna. Now, the new crush just happens to be their cousin? I can't tell them that.
It's not like I act on my feelings anyway. I just kind of sit there and wait for things to happen and they usually never do.
I suppose this circumstance is different.
What happened was that I was at Grandma's house, waiting for her famous soup (the beans for the soup are impossible to find now, but she ordered in like cases of them when she found them. I love her so much). I was sitting on the couch, watching the Minority Report with my dad. I checked my phone around 4:02 and saw that I had a missed call.
Regardless, I never really answer my phone to begin with unless it's my mom. I'm solely a texter. I check my notifications and I see that it's Ian calling me. So I send him a message that I can't talk because I'm at my Grandma's and he asks if he can call later, he needs to ask me something.
So, I say yes, but then go into a panic. I hate it when people are like, "I need to ask you something/need to talk to you.". It just makes me so nervous.
I spend the next two hours with a case of restless leg syndrome and a mouthful of soup. (When I say this soup is good, I mean it's good).
I figured I'd be there for another hour and I had told him that I could talk around 5-5:30, assuming that I might be home by then. I was in the car when he called me.
My car is always obscenely, stupidly loud. So I pick up and he simply asks, "Caroline, will you go on a date with me?"
And of course, I said yes. Shocked, happy, other emotions. I don't think he believed me when I said yes, but I could kind of hear him smiling through the phone, if that makes sense. It probably doesn't.
Cue my father and sister mocking me. Have the same birthday, act exactly the same.
I could barely contain my excitement. But now I sit in a mess of butterflies and nervousness.
Now, I wait for Sunday in a fit of anticipation. I really hope my family doesn't go around telling my family again. Next thing I'll know, my Aunt Janet will be trailing behind me and Uncle Joel will be down the street.
Love my Italians.
Dammit Santiago. (Every time I say his name, I have to say it with the Spanish accent). Sahnteeyaaahgo. I professed my love for him as he got on the bus back to Cornell. "Santiago, te quiero por eternidad!". Valentina nearly pissed herself and Jensen was just used to my odd behaviours, so she laughed.
But the problem is, we're going out on Sunday. This Sunday. Which, is totally cool, it works out really nicely. But the anticipation is killing me. I wake up with butterflies, go to sleep with butterflies, walk around with butterflies, eat with butterflies, etc etc. I'm literally so nervous, so happy, so excited, but I have no one to express this to. Why am I so nervous? I went to prom with him and hung out with him with Michael a couple of weeks ago.
As I'm writing this, my stomach is doing flips and turns.
He wants to take me to a cafe for lunch and then we're going to walk around Greenwich Village, looking at bookstores and record shops. Essentially the perfect date, in my terms. Tracy says it's romantic and it is, but I'm still like "WHAT DO WITH BOY".
Like do I hold his hand or whatever? WHAT DO I DO I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
The time between today and until Sunday is decent, let me reiterate it. BUT I'M GETTING SO WORKED UP AND ugh.
Michael reminded me that he's going to college soon and long distance is hard. Trust me, I know. But I'm going to assume that Ian is a better guy than Drew and won't cheat on me...then not have the balls to even properly end it with me.
I won't lie, I was crushing on Ian a little bit after prom and whatever. I chose not to say anything about it just because it's just weird, you know? Like, the only people I only tell anything to are Tracy and Jenna. Now, the new crush just happens to be their cousin? I can't tell them that.
It's not like I act on my feelings anyway. I just kind of sit there and wait for things to happen and they usually never do.
I suppose this circumstance is different.
What happened was that I was at Grandma's house, waiting for her famous soup (the beans for the soup are impossible to find now, but she ordered in like cases of them when she found them. I love her so much). I was sitting on the couch, watching the Minority Report with my dad. I checked my phone around 4:02 and saw that I had a missed call.
Regardless, I never really answer my phone to begin with unless it's my mom. I'm solely a texter. I check my notifications and I see that it's Ian calling me. So I send him a message that I can't talk because I'm at my Grandma's and he asks if he can call later, he needs to ask me something.
So, I say yes, but then go into a panic. I hate it when people are like, "I need to ask you something/need to talk to you.". It just makes me so nervous.
I spend the next two hours with a case of restless leg syndrome and a mouthful of soup. (When I say this soup is good, I mean it's good).
I figured I'd be there for another hour and I had told him that I could talk around 5-5:30, assuming that I might be home by then. I was in the car when he called me.
My car is always obscenely, stupidly loud. So I pick up and he simply asks, "Caroline, will you go on a date with me?"
And of course, I said yes. Shocked, happy, other emotions. I don't think he believed me when I said yes, but I could kind of hear him smiling through the phone, if that makes sense. It probably doesn't.
Cue my father and sister mocking me. Have the same birthday, act exactly the same.
I could barely contain my excitement. But now I sit in a mess of butterflies and nervousness.
Now, I wait for Sunday in a fit of anticipation. I really hope my family doesn't go around telling my family again. Next thing I'll know, my Aunt Janet will be trailing behind me and Uncle Joel will be down the street.
Love my Italians.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Are you drunk right now?
I really like "Marvin's Room" by Drake. I've been listening to a lot of Drake recently. It relaxes me, I don't know why.
Ithaca was so much fun. I loved it so much. It was just so peaceful, the perfect place to write. My roommate was a piece of shit, but I still met some awesome people. Valentina from Venezuela; Jensen from just outside Philly; Bria from West Philly; Arslanna from Astoria. My class was really nice, learned a lot. The dorms desperately needed air conditioning, though.
Anyway, I really came here to document the fact that Ian asked me out on a date earlier today. I'm so happy, it honestly hurts.
I'm so glad that Tracy and Jenna aren't weirded out, only because I know if it was my cousin, I'd be like, "Um.".
Anyway, I'm going to sleep happy and with butterflies in my stomach. Buenas noches.
Ithaca was so much fun. I loved it so much. It was just so peaceful, the perfect place to write. My roommate was a piece of shit, but I still met some awesome people. Valentina from Venezuela; Jensen from just outside Philly; Bria from West Philly; Arslanna from Astoria. My class was really nice, learned a lot. The dorms desperately needed air conditioning, though.
Anyway, I really came here to document the fact that Ian asked me out on a date earlier today. I'm so happy, it honestly hurts.
I'm so glad that Tracy and Jenna aren't weirded out, only because I know if it was my cousin, I'd be like, "Um.".
Anyway, I'm going to sleep happy and with butterflies in my stomach. Buenas noches.
Monday, July 9, 2012
i'm just saying you could do better.
Nothing's wrong, at least. Kind of at a "blah" stage of my life. Not saying that it's bad, but things could be better.
Wednesday is my last day of work. It's about time; I'm so tired of spending three days of my week in Key Food.
School ended, and I don't know. Kind of in a limbo.
Sleep, work, computer, sleep. Rinse and repeat.
Been tanning a bit recently. It feels so good. Not just like warmth or anything, but a general overwhelming good mindset. I feel way healthier, obviously less pasty.
I don't think I'm doing AP Art. It's disappointing, but I don't have the discipline for it. I like to pretend that I do, but in reality, I know I don't. I spend too much time beating myself up on it (which I literally do for anything creative I do) and too little time actually working on the piece. It sucks because I had been working for this my whole high school career and I can't carry it out.
I'll probably take Studio Art 4 and Ethics in Print. Maybe I'll get Fleming again. That would be really nice.
Drew isn't coming to Florida, thank God.
Wednesday is my last day of work. It's about time; I'm so tired of spending three days of my week in Key Food.
School ended, and I don't know. Kind of in a limbo.
Sleep, work, computer, sleep. Rinse and repeat.
Been tanning a bit recently. It feels so good. Not just like warmth or anything, but a general overwhelming good mindset. I feel way healthier, obviously less pasty.
I don't think I'm doing AP Art. It's disappointing, but I don't have the discipline for it. I like to pretend that I do, but in reality, I know I don't. I spend too much time beating myself up on it (which I literally do for anything creative I do) and too little time actually working on the piece. It sucks because I had been working for this my whole high school career and I can't carry it out.
I'll probably take Studio Art 4 and Ethics in Print. Maybe I'll get Fleming again. That would be really nice.
Drew isn't coming to Florida, thank God.
Monday, June 18, 2012
destiny of love.
I've been meaning to get my feelings out about this.
Mass Effect has been the best game series I have ever had the pleasure to play, so I have thought about it quite a lot recently.
But it makes me really happy when people remember that Shepard is still human. She's not this indestructible figure (but the Alliance will portray her as such), she still feels like everyone else does.
I'm a fan of female protagonists. Why? It's a much more powerful story, for starters. But think of this. Most stories are headed with male heroes. It's just so boring already. A female hero changes it up, a lot. The opportunity of her being shot down because of her gender is higher, obviously, but the opportunity of shooting them down is just as high.
Start with Mass Effect 1. Shepard is about 29 years old, if my calculations are correct. Upon first encountering the Reapers, she honestly has no idea about what is going to happen in the next three years, about. She sees Sovereign, recognizes the threat, but doesn't see the bigger picture just yet. Shepard doesn't understand that the Council isn't going to listen to her time and time again, even though she is a Spectre. She understands her duty and her crew.
Shepard has no idea that she's going to save the galaxy, fall in love and live to tell the tale. Unfortunately dying in Mass Effect 2 in the beginning.
Come Mass Effect 2. The man she loves (Kaidan) thinks she's working for a terrorist organization. She hates the Illusive Man, but can't get out of her ties because they did revive her with synthetics.
Now, Mass Effect 3. The threat is here and nothing can be done but stall until the galaxy is united and prepared to take on the Reapers. Does she know she's going to die? No. Does she know she's got the galaxy on her shoulders? Yes.
She's in her early thirties now and she's already accomplished so much. She's "The Shepard" afterwards. She's legendary and saved the galaxy. Never asked for anything in return. Sure, she was sassy, but only when they truly deserved it (Pure Paragon, basically).
It's really mind boggling. I went off topic, I know. But really, I want to strive and just try to be as phenomenal as a person and hero as Shepard.
Mass Effect has been the best game series I have ever had the pleasure to play, so I have thought about it quite a lot recently.
But it makes me really happy when people remember that Shepard is still human. She's not this indestructible figure (but the Alliance will portray her as such), she still feels like everyone else does.
I'm a fan of female protagonists. Why? It's a much more powerful story, for starters. But think of this. Most stories are headed with male heroes. It's just so boring already. A female hero changes it up, a lot. The opportunity of her being shot down because of her gender is higher, obviously, but the opportunity of shooting them down is just as high.
Start with Mass Effect 1. Shepard is about 29 years old, if my calculations are correct. Upon first encountering the Reapers, she honestly has no idea about what is going to happen in the next three years, about. She sees Sovereign, recognizes the threat, but doesn't see the bigger picture just yet. Shepard doesn't understand that the Council isn't going to listen to her time and time again, even though she is a Spectre. She understands her duty and her crew.
Shepard has no idea that she's going to save the galaxy, fall in love and live to tell the tale. Unfortunately dying in Mass Effect 2 in the beginning.
Come Mass Effect 2. The man she loves (Kaidan) thinks she's working for a terrorist organization. She hates the Illusive Man, but can't get out of her ties because they did revive her with synthetics.
Now, Mass Effect 3. The threat is here and nothing can be done but stall until the galaxy is united and prepared to take on the Reapers. Does she know she's going to die? No. Does she know she's got the galaxy on her shoulders? Yes.
She's in her early thirties now and she's already accomplished so much. She's "The Shepard" afterwards. She's legendary and saved the galaxy. Never asked for anything in return. Sure, she was sassy, but only when they truly deserved it (Pure Paragon, basically).
It's really mind boggling. I went off topic, I know. But really, I want to strive and just try to be as phenomenal as a person and hero as Shepard.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
i just want to live it up.
Chinatown soccer tourney today. Beaten up. I'll get into details later.
People need to grow up. This goes county-wide. Jesus.
Catherine is always concerned with people not liking her. I try to explain to her that it doesn't matter. Just do what you want to do and whatever, but I've never really understood what was difficult to understand about that.
This is your life, you know? You shouldn't spend it waiting on the feet and graces of others. If you're unhappy, change it.
That's the motto I've been trying to take up recently. It's been going really great, actually.
Peace.
People need to grow up. This goes county-wide. Jesus.
Catherine is always concerned with people not liking her. I try to explain to her that it doesn't matter. Just do what you want to do and whatever, but I've never really understood what was difficult to understand about that.
This is your life, you know? You shouldn't spend it waiting on the feet and graces of others. If you're unhappy, change it.
That's the motto I've been trying to take up recently. It's been going really great, actually.
Peace.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
over my dead body.
I beat Mass Effect 3, so in total, I beat Mass Effect in the total of two months. I had a little freak out on tumblr, but if whoever reading this has played the series, they will understand. I didn't hate the ending. I was afraid that I would have, but I was pretty shocked, but I enjoyed it. I'm not a fan of the hero dying, but I think the green ending is what would have happened, should I be in Commander Shepard's position.
I was really upset at the fact that Kaidan and Shepard wouldn't grow old together. Though, as a whole, I was happy he was with Joker and EDI as partially synthetic. It made me really happy that Joker could finally walk without being overly cautious and that he and EDI got together. Joker deserved to be happy, more than anyone.
My head canon says that Shepard survives and is located in some hospital offworld and Kaidan is waiting for her to recover and they're going to go back to Earth. He wants to show her Vancouver and everything she never experienced because she's a Spacer. I like to think of Kaidan as her rock, anchor etc. He keeps her down to earth and they both remind each other that they're both human at the end of the day.
Mostly because I believe that a lot of the fandom forgets that Shepard is indeed human. I realized it throughout each game, but it became all that more real after the Thessia mission. The way she suffered...I felt it too, almost.
I cried so much during the end of it. During the romance scene between Shepard and Kaidan, I lost it. Especially when he said, "I've always loved you. Through all these years, through...through everything. I'm the luckiest man alive.". There was just something in his voice that made me crack.
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7G0B214GexQ)
I wanted her to live, I really did. I tried everything to get that, but I failed. It made for a better ending. I can't bring myself to play it again, yet. Maybe multiplayer tomorrow, but you know. When they did the flash of Anderson and Hackett at the end, I cried. When they flashed Kaidan smiling and just broke down and cried.
I needed to sort out my feelings desperately. I was very emotionally volatile today.
The orchestra concert is later tonight. My last one. There's really no sadness with it.
My FemShep/Kaidan's song is the beginning of "Over My Dead Body" by Drake. The title is ironic, but you know.
How I'm feeling,
it doesn't matter.
'Cause you know I'm okay.
Instead, I ask myself, "Why do you worry?"
When you know, I'm the same.
I know, I know, you love me baby.
They're trying to take you away from me.
Only over my dead body.
(When Kaidan said, "You're real enough for me." Guess who lost it again).
I'm really happy with that ending; it's confusing. I'll get out of the shock next time I talk to Peter. Hopefully Friday or Saturday.
Commander Adaphea Rhey Shepard-Alenko, out.
--
I've been feeling really happy recently. There's something refreshing about it. As it should be.
I understand the constant necessity of more and being more, but some people need to sit down and relax. Take life as it is coming towards you. You'll get what you want soon. (My Great Gatsby paper is really taking a toll on my life).
I mean, you'll go full blast towards the future and find yourself even more lost. Elderly, too.
"Feel So Close" by Calvin Harris is my favourite song right now. They played it at Aquaprom and I have no idea why it stuck with me so vividly.
I wish Liz would give me Dragon Age back.
I was really upset at the fact that Kaidan and Shepard wouldn't grow old together. Though, as a whole, I was happy he was with Joker and EDI as partially synthetic. It made me really happy that Joker could finally walk without being overly cautious and that he and EDI got together. Joker deserved to be happy, more than anyone.
My head canon says that Shepard survives and is located in some hospital offworld and Kaidan is waiting for her to recover and they're going to go back to Earth. He wants to show her Vancouver and everything she never experienced because she's a Spacer. I like to think of Kaidan as her rock, anchor etc. He keeps her down to earth and they both remind each other that they're both human at the end of the day.
Mostly because I believe that a lot of the fandom forgets that Shepard is indeed human. I realized it throughout each game, but it became all that more real after the Thessia mission. The way she suffered...I felt it too, almost.
I cried so much during the end of it. During the romance scene between Shepard and Kaidan, I lost it. Especially when he said, "I've always loved you. Through all these years, through...through everything. I'm the luckiest man alive.". There was just something in his voice that made me crack.
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7G0B214GexQ)
I wanted her to live, I really did. I tried everything to get that, but I failed. It made for a better ending. I can't bring myself to play it again, yet. Maybe multiplayer tomorrow, but you know. When they did the flash of Anderson and Hackett at the end, I cried. When they flashed Kaidan smiling and just broke down and cried.
I needed to sort out my feelings desperately. I was very emotionally volatile today.
The orchestra concert is later tonight. My last one. There's really no sadness with it.
My FemShep/Kaidan's song is the beginning of "Over My Dead Body" by Drake. The title is ironic, but you know.
How I'm feeling,
it doesn't matter.
'Cause you know I'm okay.
Instead, I ask myself, "Why do you worry?"
When you know, I'm the same.
I know, I know, you love me baby.
They're trying to take you away from me.
Only over my dead body.
(When Kaidan said, "You're real enough for me." Guess who lost it again).
I'm really happy with that ending; it's confusing. I'll get out of the shock next time I talk to Peter. Hopefully Friday or Saturday.
Commander Adaphea Rhey Shepard-Alenko, out.
--
I've been feeling really happy recently. There's something refreshing about it. As it should be.
I understand the constant necessity of more and being more, but some people need to sit down and relax. Take life as it is coming towards you. You'll get what you want soon. (My Great Gatsby paper is really taking a toll on my life).
I mean, you'll go full blast towards the future and find yourself even more lost. Elderly, too.
"Feel So Close" by Calvin Harris is my favourite song right now. They played it at Aquaprom and I have no idea why it stuck with me so vividly.
I wish Liz would give me Dragon Age back.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Saturday night live.
It's nice to be asked if it's okay to do , as opposed to lips crashing down on mine surrounded by blonde stubble.
Even if it's just an arm.
My ear piercing hole is irritated now. Worth it. Now back to snl.
I'll do a more in depth report tomorrow, only because I'm still tired from last night. We got back at 2:45 and I was home at about three in the morning.
Even if it's just an arm.
My ear piercing hole is irritated now. Worth it. Now back to snl.
I'll do a more in depth report tomorrow, only because I'm still tired from last night. We got back at 2:45 and I was home at about three in the morning.
Friday, May 11, 2012
without you, i'm a child and so wherever you go, i will follow.
Back from the APUSH AP. Go figure. It was actually a lot easier than I had originally expected. O'Hagan was right. We knew a lot more than what we gave ourselves credit for. I only struggled with three multiple choice and the DBQ, which was kind of understandable. I didn't really know the Post-Civil War era, but I did my best. That's all I can say.
The free response that I chose was the French and Indian War and then I chose the 1920s one. I knew both of them so well, so I was psyched. After the exam, Tiffany, Janelle, Samantha, Claudia and I went to town to get lunch. Michael was going to come, but we had to wait for Sam and Janelle, so he couldn't. He's going to Jersey today.
I'm still kind of full and worried that I won't fit into the dress because I'm bloated now. I still have like an hour to digest, otherwise I'm screwed. The tailoring was good, but if I turn a certain way, I feel like I'm wearing a corset. I really love my dress. Tonight is going to be so much fun!
I've been pondering my attitude to people I don't like. Liz says it's brash and I know it is. But if I don't like you, I'd rather not entertain you about it. I'll make it short and sweet, which I think everyone should do. You shouldn't be held in limbo.
As I finish my green tea, I kind of have to piss.
My birthday is in two weeks. I'm going to be seventeen. Three years from being twenty. It's so weird thinking about it. I hope I get Mass Effect 3 Collector's Edition and the lace blazer.
I need to look nice when I go to the concert with Eric.
And I need to see and hear Kaidan Alenko. I'm pathetic like that. I've been trying to avoid spoilers, but it's nearly impossible.
I think I'm doing pretty well for the situation I am in. I'm going to buy myself the Elite sweatshirt so I can feel like Commander Shepard. It helps me get through particularly bad days, as pathetic as it sounds. I walked onto the court when I played Syosset with that whole, "I am Commander Shepard and I can take on the Universe" and I started my winning streak.
We're conference champs, second year in a row. I won it for the team. We beat Lawrence and it was beautiful.
On that note, my bladder can't hold anymore.
The free response that I chose was the French and Indian War and then I chose the 1920s one. I knew both of them so well, so I was psyched. After the exam, Tiffany, Janelle, Samantha, Claudia and I went to town to get lunch. Michael was going to come, but we had to wait for Sam and Janelle, so he couldn't. He's going to Jersey today.
I'm still kind of full and worried that I won't fit into the dress because I'm bloated now. I still have like an hour to digest, otherwise I'm screwed. The tailoring was good, but if I turn a certain way, I feel like I'm wearing a corset. I really love my dress. Tonight is going to be so much fun!
I've been pondering my attitude to people I don't like. Liz says it's brash and I know it is. But if I don't like you, I'd rather not entertain you about it. I'll make it short and sweet, which I think everyone should do. You shouldn't be held in limbo.
As I finish my green tea, I kind of have to piss.
My birthday is in two weeks. I'm going to be seventeen. Three years from being twenty. It's so weird thinking about it. I hope I get Mass Effect 3 Collector's Edition and the lace blazer.
I need to look nice when I go to the concert with Eric.
And I need to see and hear Kaidan Alenko. I'm pathetic like that. I've been trying to avoid spoilers, but it's nearly impossible.
I think I'm doing pretty well for the situation I am in. I'm going to buy myself the Elite sweatshirt so I can feel like Commander Shepard. It helps me get through particularly bad days, as pathetic as it sounds. I walked onto the court when I played Syosset with that whole, "I am Commander Shepard and I can take on the Universe" and I started my winning streak.
We're conference champs, second year in a row. I won it for the team. We beat Lawrence and it was beautiful.
On that note, my bladder can't hold anymore.
Monday, May 7, 2012
wash me away.
All on the same night.
ERIC CONFIRMED FOR FOSTER THE PEOPLE.
YO TENGO AMIGOS.
And prom is this Friday!
Beat Syosset and Valley Stream Central.
GET
ON
MY
LEVEL.
ERIC CONFIRMED FOR FOSTER THE PEOPLE.
YO TENGO AMIGOS.
And prom is this Friday!
Beat Syosset and Valley Stream Central.
GET
ON
MY
LEVEL.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
together again.
One thing before I begin, fuck this new blogspot interface.
Vinter in Hollywood is really good.
I made in past the first cut of my writing contest. There were over two-hundred entries submitted and there are about seventy submissions left. I feel really accomplished still.
I wish I could be a better badminton player, top three or not.
I'm going to the Chaminade Prom with Tracy and Jenna's cousin, Ian. I'm really happy that I was asked. I've got very little time to prepare for it, so I gotta crack down. I need to remember to wash my face every night and my mom is going out to buy the Crest Whitening Strips (I hate those so much).
I really want a red dress, just because I believe I look best in a red dress.
I also decided on my Shepard's full name. I don't care how lame it is, she's my character and I'm strangely attached to her. Just like how I remember my first Warden's name: Lyna Mahariel. I had a tendency to give my characters in the making her name, just as filler. Lyna is a pretty elegant name, if you ask me.
I decided on Adaphea Rhey(na) Shepard. I figured after the whole Reaper thing is over, she and Kaidan are going to settle down somewhere nice, not Earth, though.
Vinter in Hollywood is really good.
I made in past the first cut of my writing contest. There were over two-hundred entries submitted and there are about seventy submissions left. I feel really accomplished still.
I wish I could be a better badminton player, top three or not.
I'm going to the Chaminade Prom with Tracy and Jenna's cousin, Ian. I'm really happy that I was asked. I've got very little time to prepare for it, so I gotta crack down. I need to remember to wash my face every night and my mom is going out to buy the Crest Whitening Strips (I hate those so much).
I really want a red dress, just because I believe I look best in a red dress.
I also decided on my Shepard's full name. I don't care how lame it is, she's my character and I'm strangely attached to her. Just like how I remember my first Warden's name: Lyna Mahariel. I had a tendency to give my characters in the making her name, just as filler. Lyna is a pretty elegant name, if you ask me.
I decided on Adaphea Rhey(na) Shepard. I figured after the whole Reaper thing is over, she and Kaidan are going to settle down somewhere nice, not Earth, though.
- The (na) is in parentheses because I can't decide whether I like "rey" or "reina" better. I know it translates to king/queen, but I need to decide whether she would conquer like a king or queen.
- I feel like she conquers like a king.
I've got to be up to go dress shopping soon. Until next time.
Just start dancing, for me. "Together" by Vinter in Hollywood (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUaq93QunD8)
Thursday, April 12, 2012
fade together.
I'm kind of having this revival of Franz Ferdinand right now. Am I complaining? No. Which album am I listening to? You Could Have It So Much Better.
I have very vivid memories of lying on my left side in my bed, staring out the window. It was real late at night, like three in the morning or something. I listened to Franz Ferdinand right before I went to sleep, every night. They were the only band that could put me to sleep, no matter what.
But the main point of this anecdote is waiting for sleep to come. I used to wait for the neighbours of the neighbours to turn off their hall light. It was always obnoxiously late, but like most people, my most interesting thoughts came at the most inopportune times.
They moved away and the new family never turns that hall light off.
"Fade Together" ripped my eighth grade heart apart. Listening to it today, it still does. I used to bawl in silence every time. I had no idea of the real meaning behind it. All of this love from afar crap, but I was 13-14. What did I know about love?
I still have no idea what the song means, but I like to pretend to.
--
Yesterday, Tiffany slept over and we attempted to watch a K-Drama. Well, I attempted to. We got through nine episodes before I literally felt my brain overheating.
In addition to yesterday, we met up with Liz on the train and we went into the city. We strolled along the block that is KTown and explored various places of the city and made our way back to the Penn Station for the 6:39 train.
I wanted to go to the Museum of Sex, but Tiffany was against it. Liz was neutral on the topic. I'll go there eventually.
We went to Muk Eun Ji again and regardless of the price, it's always excellent and I feel like every dollar I spent is worth it. We then went to the Face Shop and splurged. I got an apple lotion and a new face wash to alternate with the blackhead one. The blackhead one is really good, but it kills off ALL facial oils and I'm pretty sure it's a known fact that you need a little oil on your face.
I discovered Lush and fell in love.
I could stay in the city all day and not be bored. I don't understand how some people aren't city people. It's just so wonderful, so many things to do.
Note to self: never go into Macy's, it's clearly the biggest store in the world and you don't need to relive the perfume department.
I should probably sleep. I've been a serious emotional wreck because I can't play Mass Effect. I really haven't enjoyed a game like this in a long time...since Dragon Age.
I need to find 100 dollars for Diablo III and Mass Effect 3. I have to put twenty dollars for Foster the People for John and I'm set.
There's a lot of saving going on. I hope I get something back in my tax refund.
I have very vivid memories of lying on my left side in my bed, staring out the window. It was real late at night, like three in the morning or something. I listened to Franz Ferdinand right before I went to sleep, every night. They were the only band that could put me to sleep, no matter what.
But the main point of this anecdote is waiting for sleep to come. I used to wait for the neighbours of the neighbours to turn off their hall light. It was always obnoxiously late, but like most people, my most interesting thoughts came at the most inopportune times.
They moved away and the new family never turns that hall light off.
"Fade Together" ripped my eighth grade heart apart. Listening to it today, it still does. I used to bawl in silence every time. I had no idea of the real meaning behind it. All of this love from afar crap, but I was 13-14. What did I know about love?
I still have no idea what the song means, but I like to pretend to.
--
Yesterday, Tiffany slept over and we attempted to watch a K-Drama. Well, I attempted to. We got through nine episodes before I literally felt my brain overheating.
In addition to yesterday, we met up with Liz on the train and we went into the city. We strolled along the block that is KTown and explored various places of the city and made our way back to the Penn Station for the 6:39 train.
I wanted to go to the Museum of Sex, but Tiffany was against it. Liz was neutral on the topic. I'll go there eventually.
We went to Muk Eun Ji again and regardless of the price, it's always excellent and I feel like every dollar I spent is worth it. We then went to the Face Shop and splurged. I got an apple lotion and a new face wash to alternate with the blackhead one. The blackhead one is really good, but it kills off ALL facial oils and I'm pretty sure it's a known fact that you need a little oil on your face.
I discovered Lush and fell in love.
I could stay in the city all day and not be bored. I don't understand how some people aren't city people. It's just so wonderful, so many things to do.
Note to self: never go into Macy's, it's clearly the biggest store in the world and you don't need to relive the perfume department.
I should probably sleep. I've been a serious emotional wreck because I can't play Mass Effect. I really haven't enjoyed a game like this in a long time...since Dragon Age.
I need to find 100 dollars for Diablo III and Mass Effect 3. I have to put twenty dollars for Foster the People for John and I'm set.
There's a lot of saving going on. I hope I get something back in my tax refund.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
"Strangers in the Wind" by Cut Copy came to me on a night, riding back to St. Paul's station on the Central Line. I sat on a seat, not really, as the train moved backwards. I people watched and and I clutched onto what used to be my iPod and tried to comprehend the meaning of the song.
I was jetlagged and whatnot. The English had their heads down, tired from work. I was simply enjoying a trip I will never forget.
I found "Strangers in the Wind" in the midst of an emotional ravaging on Mass Effect 2.
I realized what it really meant today.
I was jetlagged and whatnot. The English had their heads down, tired from work. I was simply enjoying a trip I will never forget.
I found "Strangers in the Wind" in the midst of an emotional ravaging on Mass Effect 2.
I realized what it really meant today.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
do you know the difference between love and obsession?
Maybe due to school, I have been increasingly mentally weak. I find myself lapsing one way or another, but at the same time, getting better at other things.
I find myself attracted to all of the wrong people. I don't want to sever relationships, but the heart can overwhelm the brain.
I find that more commonplace than not.
声をきかせて.
During specific weeks of the month, I find myself re-watching similar videos, for the voice comfort. I find myself latching onto Dragon Age companions because sometimes I need to be the hero who offers more to people than a laugh.
I like making people laugh.
But it's not the same. I feel myself growing older. Like, I can feel the heaviness of wrinkles just below my cheeks, laugh lines deepening. My forehead cinching together as my face begins to sag.
With that, I see myself trapped up against a wall.
I don't know why I am being so vague about this, but I figured it would eventually make sense.
I am being asphyxiated. I need to get out soon. Maybe not so soon. I'm not ready to leave home for college yet.
This isn't a cry for help, hugs or affection.
This is a cry for intellectual revolution in which I can be stimulated.
I'm tired of the profanity and the word cute.
I want something to be magnificent as the sun, sparkling like the stars on the sea, but just as comforting as a cup of tea on the sofa with the sunlight pouring on the mahogany wooden floors.
A small apartment, a literal wall of bookshelves and an overlook of the city that owns my soul.
I find myself attracted to all of the wrong people. I don't want to sever relationships, but the heart can overwhelm the brain.
I find that more commonplace than not.
声をきかせて.
During specific weeks of the month, I find myself re-watching similar videos, for the voice comfort. I find myself latching onto Dragon Age companions because sometimes I need to be the hero who offers more to people than a laugh.
I like making people laugh.
But it's not the same. I feel myself growing older. Like, I can feel the heaviness of wrinkles just below my cheeks, laugh lines deepening. My forehead cinching together as my face begins to sag.
With that, I see myself trapped up against a wall.
I don't know why I am being so vague about this, but I figured it would eventually make sense.
I am being asphyxiated. I need to get out soon. Maybe not so soon. I'm not ready to leave home for college yet.
This isn't a cry for help, hugs or affection.
This is a cry for intellectual revolution in which I can be stimulated.
I'm tired of the profanity and the word cute.
I want something to be magnificent as the sun, sparkling like the stars on the sea, but just as comforting as a cup of tea on the sofa with the sunlight pouring on the mahogany wooden floors.
A small apartment, a literal wall of bookshelves and an overlook of the city that owns my soul.
Friday, March 9, 2012
zap zap.
The quiet descent into madness.
This isn't pertaining to the SAT that I take in a couple of hours, or my endless hatred towards the College Board.
More of a general statement because people are so desperate for recognition.
I don't know, maybe it's because I walked around town while the little middle schoolers got their kicks with their friends. I felt ages older than I usually do, taller, manlier, again. I looked in the glass door to Starbucks and saw that the cold had turned my skin to a literal sick yellow.
Perhaps that an overstatement.
I'm sick of having to make social quotas with people or falling out because of my desire to be alone. I do believe I am a loner, but I do believe that I love people. A juxtaposition. Quite frankly, I'm sick of the depressive bullshit that I have to endure throughout the alleged "best years of my life".
No, I am not depressed. Do I have an pessimistic outlook on the world? Yes, as a defensive mechanism in order to ease the cynic heart.
Entirely a cynic, I am.
I have developed into a people watcher, though most notice and are off-put by it. Usually I am agitated because I can hear them chomp, snap and chew through whatever they're funneling through in order to rid their mouth of lack of toothpaste, beer, semen, whatever. I want to know where they went so awry from the innocent days.
How does the innocent five year old, with bright eyes to the world ahead, toy in hand and in velcro shoes, grow to become an overly promiscuous, beer in hand and in stiletto heels? What was the catalyst? Why?
How does that innocent five year old grow to hate him or herself? What happened to innate optimism and the love for bright colours, cheery voices and happy music? When did they decide to shut the blinds and lights, staying cooped up in their room?
In short, I am fed up with others giving up. I am sarcastic when it comes to SAT, claiming failure and deterioration, but I will never give up.
I've been called weak and lazy before. Weak, I am not. I've never considered myself weak, not even in the physical sense.
My spine has never broken, my brain never melted, my posture never shattered.
I stood tall, growing confidence from year to year, brushed the hair out of my face. I rubbed the dirt in the wound and dealt with it privately.
My mental resistance has soared because of my persistence; I intend to keep it that way.
I am a stubborn bitch with too much pride.
I refuse to go down quietly. If you are to kill me, I will make sure my scream is heard forever.
Because mental illness and stress are man made labels; standardization and evaluation are society's bounds.
Strength, courage and an ego will go far in this life. Not your inability to see past a "disease".
I have no idea why I keep writing things like this.
This isn't pertaining to the SAT that I take in a couple of hours, or my endless hatred towards the College Board.
More of a general statement because people are so desperate for recognition.
I don't know, maybe it's because I walked around town while the little middle schoolers got their kicks with their friends. I felt ages older than I usually do, taller, manlier, again. I looked in the glass door to Starbucks and saw that the cold had turned my skin to a literal sick yellow.
Perhaps that an overstatement.
I'm sick of having to make social quotas with people or falling out because of my desire to be alone. I do believe I am a loner, but I do believe that I love people. A juxtaposition. Quite frankly, I'm sick of the depressive bullshit that I have to endure throughout the alleged "best years of my life".
No, I am not depressed. Do I have an pessimistic outlook on the world? Yes, as a defensive mechanism in order to ease the cynic heart.
Entirely a cynic, I am.
I have developed into a people watcher, though most notice and are off-put by it. Usually I am agitated because I can hear them chomp, snap and chew through whatever they're funneling through in order to rid their mouth of lack of toothpaste, beer, semen, whatever. I want to know where they went so awry from the innocent days.
How does the innocent five year old, with bright eyes to the world ahead, toy in hand and in velcro shoes, grow to become an overly promiscuous, beer in hand and in stiletto heels? What was the catalyst? Why?
How does that innocent five year old grow to hate him or herself? What happened to innate optimism and the love for bright colours, cheery voices and happy music? When did they decide to shut the blinds and lights, staying cooped up in their room?
In short, I am fed up with others giving up. I am sarcastic when it comes to SAT, claiming failure and deterioration, but I will never give up.
I've been called weak and lazy before. Weak, I am not. I've never considered myself weak, not even in the physical sense.
My spine has never broken, my brain never melted, my posture never shattered.
I stood tall, growing confidence from year to year, brushed the hair out of my face. I rubbed the dirt in the wound and dealt with it privately.
My mental resistance has soared because of my persistence; I intend to keep it that way.
I am a stubborn bitch with too much pride.
I refuse to go down quietly. If you are to kill me, I will make sure my scream is heard forever.
Because mental illness and stress are man made labels; standardization and evaluation are society's bounds.
Strength, courage and an ego will go far in this life. Not your inability to see past a "disease".
I have no idea why I keep writing things like this.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
over my dead body.
I also like to mention in my volatile state, I got overwhelmed with how beautiful Kaka is.
He's a beautiful man, Jesus Christ.
He's a beautiful man, Jesus Christ.
american boy.
Maybe I'm like this because I'm on my period, therefore, emotionally volatile and sick.
I miss your assertiveness, your ego, your arrogance.
I miss your warmth, your laugh, your voice.
I miss your tongue, your hands and thrust.
Definitely the menstrual cycle.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
they're trying to take him away from me.
Sunday. Panic.
Other notes. I don't have the enzyme. False alarm.
It's kind of nice to be friended on facebook by the guys who I spoke to that day, regardless of how long or how brief.
It's nice to know they found me interesting enough to find my social media.
Welp.
Other notes. I don't have the enzyme. False alarm.
It's kind of nice to be friended on facebook by the guys who I spoke to that day, regardless of how long or how brief.
It's nice to know they found me interesting enough to find my social media.
Welp.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
and it hurts so good.
Fitz and the Tatrums are mad good. There's no argument about it. I never really thought I would ever enjoy soul, but it's really good. I wouldn't say they're strictly soul, however. They're pop-soul, or something. I wouldn't say R&B because I always associate that with Alicia Keys and Ne-Yo.
I have been listening to this song all day ("We Don't Need No Love Songs" by Fitz and the Tantrums: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uOh_OSejQU). I went into the city with my parents to get their glasses. We went to this noodle shop, but it wasn't that good. The places we wanted to go to were closed. I was really disappointed.
We ended up getting the bitchiest Chinese waiter ever. I think at the start of the meal, that really offset the rest of it.
My vision has been going. I can't really see long distance anymore and in a sense, it kind of worries me. Why? Because it can only go downhill from here. Maybe I'll just OD on carrots or something.
Liz has been feeling down because all of her friends have been getting into relationships and she has been left out. I honestly don't blame her, but I can't say I've been put in that position before. I tried to say something to comfort her, but what does one say in that sort of situation?
Granted, I recognize that girls are much more critical in how they look. But I wish they would stop following the standard conventions of beauty. Also know as, cut and paste blondes, most of Garden City. I posted a long essay over the summer about it and I know my bog isn't exactly popular, but I wish it was for that sole purpose.
I hate to bring this up. I really do. But this is coming from over the summer that stuck with me (Among other things), from a conversation I had with Brad and Drew. Brad asked me if I wore makeup and then I delved into how I used to wear eyeliner and it generally a horrible experience. He then asked whether he would look good in it and why I didn't. I was going to answer, "Because I am lazy." but Drew said it made me more real.
Men should fall in love with what you have, not with pigments and foundations to cover your face.
I am getting self-righteous again.
Lauren and Tiffany always tell me how I have more experience with the opposite gender than they do, as if it's some kind of badge. They kind of make me feel bad for expressing my femininity, solely because I know they're more of girls than I am. Though, I am the biggest romantic I know. Maybe I'm more of a girl that I think I am.
"Over My Dead Body" by Drake really gets me thinking and I honestly have no idea why.
I just wish I could get Drew off my brain. I keep writing, saying that I have, though I am over him, I just want to see him again. That's when I say that he's still there. I have this feeling in my gut that he's going to make it to the NBA and since my new NBA kick, I'll be seeing him through pixelation.
I honestly feel horrible sometimes when people tell me I'm more experienced. It's not a job. I'm not employed by my feelings. I'm at a loss for words when something like with Liz happens. I just want to make people laugh, but it never really fixes the problem, only lightens the situation.
I need to shower now. I have nothing else on my brain but that I hate working at Key Food.
Until then.
I have been listening to this song all day ("We Don't Need No Love Songs" by Fitz and the Tantrums: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uOh_OSejQU). I went into the city with my parents to get their glasses. We went to this noodle shop, but it wasn't that good. The places we wanted to go to were closed. I was really disappointed.
We ended up getting the bitchiest Chinese waiter ever. I think at the start of the meal, that really offset the rest of it.
My vision has been going. I can't really see long distance anymore and in a sense, it kind of worries me. Why? Because it can only go downhill from here. Maybe I'll just OD on carrots or something.
Liz has been feeling down because all of her friends have been getting into relationships and she has been left out. I honestly don't blame her, but I can't say I've been put in that position before. I tried to say something to comfort her, but what does one say in that sort of situation?
Granted, I recognize that girls are much more critical in how they look. But I wish they would stop following the standard conventions of beauty. Also know as, cut and paste blondes, most of Garden City. I posted a long essay over the summer about it and I know my bog isn't exactly popular, but I wish it was for that sole purpose.
I hate to bring this up. I really do. But this is coming from over the summer that stuck with me (Among other things), from a conversation I had with Brad and Drew. Brad asked me if I wore makeup and then I delved into how I used to wear eyeliner and it generally a horrible experience. He then asked whether he would look good in it and why I didn't. I was going to answer, "Because I am lazy." but Drew said it made me more real.
Men should fall in love with what you have, not with pigments and foundations to cover your face.
I am getting self-righteous again.
Lauren and Tiffany always tell me how I have more experience with the opposite gender than they do, as if it's some kind of badge. They kind of make me feel bad for expressing my femininity, solely because I know they're more of girls than I am. Though, I am the biggest romantic I know. Maybe I'm more of a girl that I think I am.
"Over My Dead Body" by Drake really gets me thinking and I honestly have no idea why.
I just wish I could get Drew off my brain. I keep writing, saying that I have, though I am over him, I just want to see him again. That's when I say that he's still there. I have this feeling in my gut that he's going to make it to the NBA and since my new NBA kick, I'll be seeing him through pixelation.
I honestly feel horrible sometimes when people tell me I'm more experienced. It's not a job. I'm not employed by my feelings. I'm at a loss for words when something like with Liz happens. I just want to make people laugh, but it never really fixes the problem, only lightens the situation.
I need to shower now. I have nothing else on my brain but that I hate working at Key Food.
Until then.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
takecare.
How I'm feeling,
it doesn't matter.
'Cause you know I'm okay.
Instead, I ask myself, "Why do you hurt me?"
When you know, I'm the same.
I know, I know, you love me baby.
They're trying to take you away from me.
Only over my dead body.
I'm going to buy this album. I was never really a fan of Drake, but this is a really emotionally charged rap album. Props to you, Drake.
it doesn't matter.
'Cause you know I'm okay.
Instead, I ask myself, "Why do you hurt me?"
When you know, I'm the same.
I know, I know, you love me baby.
They're trying to take you away from me.
Only over my dead body.
I'm going to buy this album. I was never really a fan of Drake, but this is a really emotionally charged rap album. Props to you, Drake.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
lift off.
Things that have been on my mind/bothering me.
My cousin was cleaning out his car with my grandmother, when a box of condoms fell out. He tried to hide it and believes that my grandma didn't see them, but she did.
My mom comes up to me, telling me how funny this.
Does she realize that if I had been caught with birth control, she would have punished me?
(There's no such thing as being a responsible female as a teenager).
Society's forced characterization of depressed people being broken.
It may be a stretch, but think about it. I won't limit it to simply depression, though. Any mental disorder, you are broken.
Personally, I don't believe that labeling someone as broken will convince them to find an outlet or help. Broken is always paired with "broken beyond repair".
Human's are not objects and we cannot be broken.
My cousin was cleaning out his car with my grandmother, when a box of condoms fell out. He tried to hide it and believes that my grandma didn't see them, but she did.
My mom comes up to me, telling me how funny this.
Does she realize that if I had been caught with birth control, she would have punished me?
(There's no such thing as being a responsible female as a teenager).
Society's forced characterization of depressed people being broken.
It may be a stretch, but think about it. I won't limit it to simply depression, though. Any mental disorder, you are broken.
Personally, I don't believe that labeling someone as broken will convince them to find an outlet or help. Broken is always paired with "broken beyond repair".
Human's are not objects and we cannot be broken.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
tonight is the night.
I'm not exactly sure where my AMSCO is. I think it's in my locker, but I'm not definite. It was sitting on my desk the entire time during midterm week, but I never cracked it once. I thought the sheets I printed out would have gotten me the grade I wanted, but it didn't. I was upset only because I let Mr. O'Hagan down. He's basically turned into my new Nuzzi. He's such a nice guy and I wish I didn't do so poorly on my exams, but I know I can bring my average up with the quizzes. Even with those, I haven't been doing so well. I have to do well on the free response and the multiple choice.
Since he put me in the back, I am always distracted by my phone. That's just my problem, but I try to do whatever I can.
...NEVERMIND! I JUST FOUND IT! Ugh, I feel so much better now.
I think Liz and I are going to get dinner again this weekend. It's really nice to talk to her. I told her about how dumb I felt now for distancing myself from her last year. Granted, I had purpose, but (I think) she really grew up from last year. It's really commendable, considering I'm still trying to grow up, myself.
I'm doing that thing where I count down the days until Foster the People, already. It turns out Tiffany can't come, which is a bummer. I told her I invited Eric and she said she's really mad now because now she won't be able to meet him. Tiffany really just wants to see whether my taste in guy has changed since last year (See: Rob).
Tracy was right about finding your real friends in junior year. I was reflecting on what I told Michael earlier this year, about Natalie. I don't mind that he's friends with her, but I really appreciate that he still talks to me. I don't care who you are friends with. I am only saying that if you are talking to them, I will not approach you. We can save the awkward times for later.
I'm not even exhausted socially. I want to go out. Tiffany said she had a lot of fun with me when we went into K-Town and so did I.
We will see where things go as this month passes.
Since he put me in the back, I am always distracted by my phone. That's just my problem, but I try to do whatever I can.
...NEVERMIND! I JUST FOUND IT! Ugh, I feel so much better now.
I think Liz and I are going to get dinner again this weekend. It's really nice to talk to her. I told her about how dumb I felt now for distancing myself from her last year. Granted, I had purpose, but (I think) she really grew up from last year. It's really commendable, considering I'm still trying to grow up, myself.
I'm doing that thing where I count down the days until Foster the People, already. It turns out Tiffany can't come, which is a bummer. I told her I invited Eric and she said she's really mad now because now she won't be able to meet him. Tiffany really just wants to see whether my taste in guy has changed since last year (See: Rob).
Tracy was right about finding your real friends in junior year. I was reflecting on what I told Michael earlier this year, about Natalie. I don't mind that he's friends with her, but I really appreciate that he still talks to me. I don't care who you are friends with. I am only saying that if you are talking to them, I will not approach you. We can save the awkward times for later.
I'm not even exhausted socially. I want to go out. Tiffany said she had a lot of fun with me when we went into K-Town and so did I.
We will see where things go as this month passes.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
we gonna take it to the moon, take it to the stars.
I just got back from the city. I went into Chinatown earlier today, like I do every Sunday, and then my family and I went to Park Slope to celebrate my Aunt Lana's 65th birthday.
Let me just say that today was the best Chinatown experience. I missed Andy though. I was surprised to see that he didn't come down. I supposed that he went out drinking last night and was too hungover to get out of bed.
I played soccer like I always did and then me and Eric went out to get lunch at Mama's Cafe. It was really nice just to hang out with him in person and talk about music. We talked about Kanye, Frank Sinatra and Foster the People. I was really nervous though beforehand, but it was really natural and shit. We both got minestrone soup (or strop, as he accidentally called it). We'd been texting this week pretty casually, estoy feliz.
He said he got a weird voicemail saying, "I heard you got it good with my girl Caroline.". He didn't know who it was, but I'm convinced it's Andy. I don't know why, but it just makes sense. I'm closer with Andy than most people at the field. Whateva.
Anyway. This whole weekend has been really fucking awesome. I went to K-Town with Tiffany on Saturday. We got a bulgogi and then a separate order of bulgogi meat for the both of us to share. SO GOOD! We only spent about forty-four dollars, but then we went to the bookshop across the street and then the Face Shop. I bought this little blueberry lotion that smells so good. I also got a pretty hardcore face wash. It has blackberry, maulberry, black rice and charcoal in it and it smells really refreshing. I got an organic daily moisturizer that's water based and made of bamboo. I'm really pampering my face, but my face already feels ten times better. I want to go back so I can get the kiwi mask and some other stuff, but that will have to wait. Tiffany and I then went to Red Mango and we spent like seven dollars on it. Totally worth it. I got mango with sprinkles and strawberries. She got regular with blueberries and chocolate chips.
Prior to that, we walked on Fifth Avenue and went to the Sephora and the Quiksilver. I got a lipgloss from Sephora, but didn't buy anything from Quiksilver. It was like twenty-five bucks for a shirt and I needed all the money I could get for my bulgogi meat.
They drove me to Penn Station and I made it home by myself. I survived by first transfer at Jamaica by myself. I love riding the train; I feel like most people hate taking it. I ran for my train and made it with a minute to spare. I felt like a real New Yorker when I did that.
I fucking love the city, so much.
My mom was really happy that I finally got out of the house and did something with a friend that didn't involve sitting in a house. As was I. She was psyched when I told her I was getting dinner with Liz at Taku in town. I just need to get out. I'm finding that most of my friends are now more inclined to go into the city or go and get dinner.
I invited Eric to Foster the People and he said yes. We (John and I) got all of our tickets filled. FUCKING PUMPED (UP KICKS)! June 11th can't come any sooner.
Here's to awesome friends and changing times.
Let me just say that today was the best Chinatown experience. I missed Andy though. I was surprised to see that he didn't come down. I supposed that he went out drinking last night and was too hungover to get out of bed.
I played soccer like I always did and then me and Eric went out to get lunch at Mama's Cafe. It was really nice just to hang out with him in person and talk about music. We talked about Kanye, Frank Sinatra and Foster the People. I was really nervous though beforehand, but it was really natural and shit. We both got minestrone soup (or strop, as he accidentally called it). We'd been texting this week pretty casually, estoy feliz.
He said he got a weird voicemail saying, "I heard you got it good with my girl Caroline.". He didn't know who it was, but I'm convinced it's Andy. I don't know why, but it just makes sense. I'm closer with Andy than most people at the field. Whateva.
Anyway. This whole weekend has been really fucking awesome. I went to K-Town with Tiffany on Saturday. We got a bulgogi and then a separate order of bulgogi meat for the both of us to share. SO GOOD! We only spent about forty-four dollars, but then we went to the bookshop across the street and then the Face Shop. I bought this little blueberry lotion that smells so good. I also got a pretty hardcore face wash. It has blackberry, maulberry, black rice and charcoal in it and it smells really refreshing. I got an organic daily moisturizer that's water based and made of bamboo. I'm really pampering my face, but my face already feels ten times better. I want to go back so I can get the kiwi mask and some other stuff, but that will have to wait. Tiffany and I then went to Red Mango and we spent like seven dollars on it. Totally worth it. I got mango with sprinkles and strawberries. She got regular with blueberries and chocolate chips.
Prior to that, we walked on Fifth Avenue and went to the Sephora and the Quiksilver. I got a lipgloss from Sephora, but didn't buy anything from Quiksilver. It was like twenty-five bucks for a shirt and I needed all the money I could get for my bulgogi meat.
They drove me to Penn Station and I made it home by myself. I survived by first transfer at Jamaica by myself. I love riding the train; I feel like most people hate taking it. I ran for my train and made it with a minute to spare. I felt like a real New Yorker when I did that.
I fucking love the city, so much.
My mom was really happy that I finally got out of the house and did something with a friend that didn't involve sitting in a house. As was I. She was psyched when I told her I was getting dinner with Liz at Taku in town. I just need to get out. I'm finding that most of my friends are now more inclined to go into the city or go and get dinner.
I invited Eric to Foster the People and he said yes. We (John and I) got all of our tickets filled. FUCKING PUMPED (UP KICKS)! June 11th can't come any sooner.
Here's to awesome friends and changing times.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
change everything you are.
What I have noticed:
Spurred from which event:
Conclusion:
Most men do not speak to me in terms for friendship, only flirtation.
Guy giving out free samples by the Texas BBQ place in the mall; noticed my jade boar. Depart and Liz states that he was definitely flirting with me, which I realized.
Conclusion: I just want to be friends with guys right now.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
algo mas que la distancia.
"I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you. You're everything I hate. But I can't stop thinking about you. I wake aching for you. It's madness." - Anders, from Dragon Age II
I find this quote becoming more and more relevant as time passes.
I find this quote becoming more and more relevant as time passes.
to you, i was tainted a scarlet a on your breast.
Midterms are always stressful, but then again not.
I take them like any other test and I realize I can alleviate them as the year progresses. I should probably take them with more serious intention.
I'm pretty sure I am going to bomb by SAT, so I've decided to take the ACT. It's a lot faster, but it's a more student friendly test. For example, YOU DON'T NEED TO PAY THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS FOR CLASSES TO LEARN TRICKS.
College Board, I hope you fucking die.
I take them like any other test and I realize I can alleviate them as the year progresses. I should probably take them with more serious intention.
I'm pretty sure I am going to bomb by SAT, so I've decided to take the ACT. It's a lot faster, but it's a more student friendly test. For example, YOU DON'T NEED TO PAY THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS FOR CLASSES TO LEARN TRICKS.
College Board, I hope you fucking die.
Monday, January 16, 2012
ball so hard.
I'm sad that Tracy and Jenna are leaving/have left already soon/already.
Back to social isolation and nonsense like that. I'm waiting for Andy to get Starcraft so I have someone to play with.
Back to social isolation and nonsense like that. I'm waiting for Andy to get Starcraft so I have someone to play with.
midnight city.
In the months in which I have not posted, I have managed to work out one of the most horrid of my OCD.
You do not understand the sheer excitement I get from this.
I realized one of the ways I "cure" my OCD is that I'm basically too lazy to perform the act in which it makes it "better". So, my laziness has helped me in this manner!
You do not understand the sheer excitement I get from this.
I realized one of the ways I "cure" my OCD is that I'm basically too lazy to perform the act in which it makes it "better". So, my laziness has helped me in this manner!
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
these hands are like strangers in the wind.
Usually, when I am upset about anything, really; anything, I listen to an obscene amount of rap and dance music. It alleviates some of the stress because you can't really be mad while listening to it. It boosts my confidence about myself and I feel all of the stress leaving through every drum hit, brash rhyme and booming bass.
I also get needy, but I can deal with that in other forms. I am okay with being alone. I don't require constant social interaction. To be honest, I feel like I'm coming down with J.D. Salingeritis, otherwise becoming a hermit. I love talking to people, but maybe it's just the people I used to see constantly.
I find solace in the music and I find solace within the literature. I relax with my tea and I discover my world beyond through image and imagination.
Lonely, I am. Lonely, I am not.
There's something tragically beautiful of freezing underneath the burning desk light. The goosebumps rise like mountains and fall like meteors.
The frustration subsides like a storm on the ocean and I am one with the world. Barely enlightened, but the belief held that I am more than what is.
For that, the drowsiness is like a drug and sweeps me away; far into the abyss. The true irony of such a centered belief and the contradiction in which the mind creates.
I run, not for purpose, but for reason. I grasp the hand of the ghost and I run alone.
In which, the euphoria is me and I am the euphoria because there is nothing like the wind beating against your face for your own freedom.
I also get needy, but I can deal with that in other forms. I am okay with being alone. I don't require constant social interaction. To be honest, I feel like I'm coming down with J.D. Salingeritis, otherwise becoming a hermit. I love talking to people, but maybe it's just the people I used to see constantly.
I find solace in the music and I find solace within the literature. I relax with my tea and I discover my world beyond through image and imagination.
Lonely, I am. Lonely, I am not.
There's something tragically beautiful of freezing underneath the burning desk light. The goosebumps rise like mountains and fall like meteors.
The frustration subsides like a storm on the ocean and I am one with the world. Barely enlightened, but the belief held that I am more than what is.
For that, the drowsiness is like a drug and sweeps me away; far into the abyss. The true irony of such a centered belief and the contradiction in which the mind creates.
I run, not for purpose, but for reason. I grasp the hand of the ghost and I run alone.
In which, the euphoria is me and I am the euphoria because there is nothing like the wind beating against your face for your own freedom.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
in this very moment, i'm king.
If sexual health is part of our overall health...
Why is anything sexual, sexuality etc so shunned?
I was looking out the window pondering this (Odd, I know). Had the taboos not been so set in stone centuries ago, what would society be like today?
There was an opinion on the-unpopular-opinions and it somewhat prompted me to blog about this. To quote it, it was: "There's nothing wrong with being a slut. If you're safe while having sex, then it's actually very healthy. Just because a woman expresses her sexuality, doesn't mean she deserves less respect, or deserves to be objectified or raped. SEX IS FUN."
Just take a look at this list: http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/10-surprising-health-benefits-of-sex.
Personally, I think society should take a lighter standpoint on the issue of sex. Take this coming from a virgin, I don't see anything taboo about the topic of sex. It's only a matter of whether you are ready or not. Other than that, it should be allowed to be conversed like any other topic that exists.
I give it a couple of years.
But the only thing I will shun is watching sex scenes with your parents.
That's just wrong.
Why is anything sexual, sexuality etc so shunned?
I was looking out the window pondering this (Odd, I know). Had the taboos not been so set in stone centuries ago, what would society be like today?
There was an opinion on the-unpopular-opinions and it somewhat prompted me to blog about this. To quote it, it was: "There's nothing wrong with being a slut. If you're safe while having sex, then it's actually very healthy. Just because a woman expresses her sexuality, doesn't mean she deserves less respect, or deserves to be objectified or raped. SEX IS FUN."
Just take a look at this list: http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/10-surprising-health-benefits-of-sex.
Personally, I think society should take a lighter standpoint on the issue of sex. Take this coming from a virgin, I don't see anything taboo about the topic of sex. It's only a matter of whether you are ready or not. Other than that, it should be allowed to be conversed like any other topic that exists.
I give it a couple of years.
But the only thing I will shun is watching sex scenes with your parents.
That's just wrong.
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