Etcetera, Etcetera.

I'm sitting at my father's computer desk watching the Graham Norton Show with Matt Smith on it. I'm an avid Doctor Who fan, so, you could call me a Whovian. David Tennant was my first Doctor and I have yet to see what people see in Christopher Eccleston. I think that's how you spell his last name. It's close enough.


I should also mention that I'm snacking on hot apple cider and saltine crackers. I try.


I also should mention that British people are great, and I really hope I'll be able to move to London. That'll be the adventure of a lifetime. 


Today, I tried to go through my first party that contained alcohol. That was a really boring experience, even with my friends. Natalie doesn't know how to throw a party, it's awfully clear. I don't drink, and all there was to do was to drink or play beer pong (Which, I suppose, it could fall under the same category, no?). Ali, Liz and I left after what I think was an hour. We went to Michael's straight after which is always a better idea than Natalie's house.


Day 29: Goals for the next 30 days.

• Prepare enough for the midterms.
• Improve my AP grade.
• Get my iPod fixed.
• Get new headphones.
• Finish Brave New World.

When the zetas fill the skies, will our leaders tell us why?

I don't understand how I am closer with my father, yet, I argue with him the most.

Silver Slippers.

Be shocked or something. I'm not listening to music at this very second. I am slowly enjoying my hot chai and preparing for bed, so, I'm going to write a little anecdote about this pair of shoes that were once mine.


I had this pair of shoes, simple flats that were silver. They weren't like a plain grey with no dimension to them, they were metallic and a legitimate silver. I don't really like flats, but, I kind of had an attraction to them because they weren't so serious, but formal enough to wear out when I had to dress all fancy like. I had them only for a year and I didn't really get that much use out of them.


My Ma Ma died on April 25th, 2007. I found out when I got home from school and I cried incredibly hard. It was my first experience with death and quite frankly, my sixth grade year old mind didn't know how to handle something like that. As my mother explains it, "It's a strange thing because one day they're here and then the next they're not.".


Her funeral was a formal thing, I suppose. I was forced to wear the silver flats to it and I spent most of my time staring at them. It was an open casket, and I couldn't bring myself to look up. She was my caregiver for the first three years of my life and although she could hardly speak English, I've never felt so attached to someone in my life. I managed not to cry throughout the whole service until my dad told me to say my last goodbyes. Then, I lost it. 


My Ye Ye died nearly a week later. I had to wear the shoes again. 


After the two funeral services, I wasn't able to wear those shoes again. They sat in my closet and collected dust. I couldn't look at them without becoming incredibly sad. If asked to wear them again, I fight against it. I can't wear them ever. Not only because they no longer fit me anymore, but, just wearing them makes me depressed. I miss them more than anything.


My mother has passed them down to my sister. They were sitting by our piano and it prompted me to write this story. 


I don't want her to throw them out, but, I know she will. She will because my sister will eventually grow out of them. More than likely, they will be passed on to my cousin Katie and then her cousin Jennifer. Then, they will be thrown out. I can't let that happen.

Day 28: Something that you miss:


Being mentally sane and not having to worry about everything. I can't wait until college. 

I took another step to find out where my fate would fall.

I will forever associate Jack Peñate with good times and perfection. His music reminds me of just relaxing and not being entirely engulfed by the stresses of real life. Hence why I listened to him an awful lot when my family and I went down to Florida for two weeks.


Day 27: A problem you've had:


It's been a problem I've had since high school began, and it's pleasing my father. He never seems happy with what I'm doing, and I want to be able to prove to him that I'm not just a piece of trash that he is obligated to call his daughter.

If you move with me, I'll treat you right.

I can't get over how great this remix is. I can't wait until I get to see Interpol at Radio City Music Hall in February. The seventeenth to be exact. I might cry if they play 'Stella Was A Diver And She Was Always Down', and by 'might', I mean, WILL!


Enthusiasm, yes.


Nothing is really going to be happening in these next few days. Don't expect many updates.


My family and I just finished watching the movie Up. I have never cried so hard and so many times during a movie. Remind me later not to watch any Pixar movies with my family. I need to cry in peace. 


I figured a list of what I received for Christmas is in order.

• UNDERWEAR!!!!!!!!!!!! from Aerie. They're all boyshorts. You know how I do.
• Jeans
• World of Warcraft
• Red hoodie from American Apparel.
• A BITCHIN BASS AND AN AMP.
• Gum.
• Salts from Sabon.
• Ocean scented bar soap Sabon.
• Nail polish.
• Player Piano by Kurt Vonnegut and Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman.
• Notebooks.
• Pens.
• Turn on the Bright Lights by Interpol.

Day 25: Somebody who fascinates you and why.


This fascination isn't in the positive light, let me begin with that. She is in my English class and in my art class. I just feel like I see her all the time. She fascinates me because I want to know why people just like her when she is a complete bitch and asshole to everyone she meets. I don't understand how guys like her either. (Personally, I'm starting to think it's because she's loose or something). She turns on you the moment you're gone. Why would you want to be friends with that?


Day 26: What Kind of Person Attracts You.


The person can't be a complete dick to me. Likes the same music as me, but, I will make exceptions. Will put up with my intense gaming. They just have to be all around a nice person. My main priority is that you don't make fun of me for playing on my school's badminton team.


Fucking love badminton.

Merry Christmas all. :D

Now here you go again, you say, you want your freedom.

Christmas Eve, to me, is always the longest day. I just want it to be Christmas, so I apologize. This entry will be short because I'm off to bed soon. 


I went to my Aunt Janet's and Uncle William's tonight which I always really like doing. I get to see a bunch of my family and just chill out. I never have to be too outgoing with my cousins, and they don't mind. I'm just really comfortable there as opposed to another house of my relatives. There, I tried to nap but I had their dog, Moose, lick my face. I woke up. I ended up watching Casino Royale. Very Christmasy. Although, every time I do watch it, I always make a mental note to myself about how blue Daniel Craig's eyes are. The bluest of the blue. 


I got two presents, so far. Two pairs of jeans and a black peacoat. Guaranteed, I wear them tomorrow.


The funny thing about tonight was that my Dad and I ended up wearing pretty much exactly the same thing. It wasn't planned. I told him to change, but he wouldn't. Joking, of course. I actually don't care at all if somebody wears the same thing as I do. I don't know why people get worked up about it.


Day 24: Your favourite movie and what it's about.


Spirited Away. What can I even say about Spirited Away? I love all the characters and the whole storyline. It's about a girl enters another world of magic and mystical beasts and spirits after her parents are turned into pigs. The whole movie is about her trying to get her parents back to human form, and during the process of, she grows up quite a bit. She works hard for what she wants and lessens the dependency she needs on other people (Including not whining as much). 


Sleepy time now. Goodnight, all. :)

So, keep your love locked down.

I typed it up, and I'm rather pleased with it. I might make some more edits, but, this is the official "finished copy" of one of my most recent short stories. I haven't finished a short story in such a long time, so, this is kind of a momentous occasion.


The title is a metaphor. Really, I'm clever. You don't have to tell me.


Dig Into Dirt


DO NOT COPY AND PASS OFF AS YOUR OWN WORK BECAUSE I WILL FIND YOU AND I WILL KILL YOU.

                The apartment was bland, bare and barren. Boxes lined the walls as if the resident moved in recently. None of which, were the case.

                She laid still on a white mattress on the floor, he body covered by a small plaid quilt. Her breath was incredibly slow for a woman of her profession. Her hands were wrapped in bandages, her body bruised and her face forever marred.

                It would probably be best if the boxes remained where they were.

                She jolted awake, her vision blurred, "Get out." her hand dug beneath the mattress.

                "I'm not leaving, Esther." a calm voice said.

                "I'm saying, get the hell out of my flat, Jon."

                "I'm not leaving until I can leave here, with you, as one."

                "Jon. I told you, it's not safe for you. How many times do I have to say it? You know what I do. That should be your first damn hint!"

                "Do you think I would still be standing here if I was scared?"

                "Jon. You're breaching my privacy."

                He stepped closer, running a hand through his hair, "Don't you ever want to be happy?"

                Esther looked away, "Funny to think that you automatically believe that you are my only source of happiness." she quietly scoffed to herself, "Quite frankly, in this day and age, I can't deal with these emotions on top of being chased down weekly. They'll find you out. They'll come after you. I have no interest in losing someone again, nor can I deal with the guilt."

                "Esther, please." Jon said, grabbing her my shoulders, "I'm not afraid of gunfire or death. I can handle it."

                "How many times am I going to have to deny you? Jon, you know I care for you, but, if the Italians or Russians ever came after you, I'd never forgive myself." she said shaking herself free.

                "How many times will I have to say that I don't care?"

                "It's not all about you, Jon." Esther spat with a sharp glare. "I wish you would. You need to run away, Jon, as fast as you can."

                "I'm not --"

                "Jon. Please. I'm begging you." Esther pleaded, stepping towards the window.

                "A simple word." Jon said, following her.

                "Simple?" Esther laughed, "Tinged with a thousand more."

                "I know you feel it, Esther. All you need to do is convey."

                "I don't feel, Jon. Why couldn't you fall for someone much simpler? You'd be much happier and you know it."

                "There's no one quite like you, Esther."

                Esther laughed again, her voice stained with sarcasm, "Tell me about it."

                "Consider this a secret. You're good with hiding."

                "Look, Jon --"

                "Quite frankly. I've had enough of this cute romantic banter. So much for secrecy." a man said, pushing the door wide open.

                Esther shoved Jon behind her, "Do not show your face." she whispered. She held her hand gun in front of her, "Who sent you?"

                "The real question is, who didn't, love." he said. He wore a black hat, its rim large enough to shade his face, "I figure I should introduce myself." he continued as he pulled a small pistol out of his jacket. The look was vintage, the silver colour the brightest point of the room. "Tyler. Let's make this easy, Esther."

                She inhaled sharply and backed herself into Jon, procuring herself as a human shield, "Garlic?" Esther scoffed. "Try again, you filthy Italian." she shoved Jon face first into the towers of boxes and slammed her first into Tyler's jaw.

                It could have been an equal battle of epic proportions with fists flying left and right and Hollywood-like gun usage, but, in honest terms, nothing of the sort could ever happen. Blood flowed like a river and saliva exploded like a volcanic eruption. Teeth were loosened and skin was battered.

                It was balanced until two other suited men invaded the tiny apartment and joined Tyler. Esther managed to knock the expensive pistol away into the other towers of boxes. Blood fell freely from her noise and she stepped away from the three bodies on the floor. She hadn't had to use her gun once.

                "Oi, get up." Esther said, offering a hand to Jon as she stashed her weapon away, "I can't imagine you wanting to live like this."

                Jon mumbled something under his breath, latching onto Esther, daring not to let go.

                "Jon, you're crushing me. Calm down."

                "Your whole apartment was invaded. I'd ask how you could be so calm, but, I know the answer already." he said.

                "Excellent." she said and wiped the blood onto the floor.

                "Try again." Tyler shouted, his voice sounding much more insane and maniacal.

                Cold metal pressed through Jon's hair, the rounded barrel paralyzing his entire body.

                Esther removed her gun and threw Jon under her left arm, almost throwing him to the ground.

                Again.

                It all seemed like it was all in slow motion.

                The gun met Tyler's face and the hair trigger was pulled.

Don't you shiver.

God, today was a really great day. I haven't had a day like that one where I was at school for basically the entire day.  I noticed that when there is break the following day, I am automatically in a significantly better mood throughout school. I hold my head higher and I feel like I smile and laugh a lot more. I just need a break once in a while. I think that's acceptable.


Despite the fact that Gullotta yelled at me, I honestly could care less. At the time, it felt harsh, but, I'm over it. She can be so out of line sometimes. It makes me laugh thinking that I considered her one of my favourite teachers last year. How daft was I? She's getting to that age where everything that isn't done her way as an adult, it makes her angry and she'll take it out at random. It's only another two years of her. I think I can handle it.


After school, Tracy and Jenna gave Ali, Liz and I a ride over to town where we proceeded to get Starbucks (I decided to be daring and try something new. I didn't like it.), and then I walked over, with them, to the yarn store to purchase my mother's gift. I got her this cobalt blue coloured yarn. I really hope she likes it. I just have to wrap it up and everything. 


She later then drove us over to Michael's house where we had our holiday "party" and exchanged gifts. I got Crazy for You by Best Coast (Which I am listening to right now) from Tracy, 808s & Heartbreak by Kanye West from Ali.     I got Keep Calm and Carry On: Good Advice for Hard Times and a World of Warcraft game card from Michael and a unicorn pillow pet from Katarina. Seriously, my friends are great. I love them so much. (Hint: Caroline doesn't say 'love' lightly).


I'm getting ready to go to bed soon. It's Christmas Eve, and I just want it to be Christmas already.


But, I'm going to post the poem I wrote today in AP World. Also, if you remember this entry (http://theclandestinelifestyle.blogspot.com/2010/12/we-were-always-meant-to-be-zorbing.html), I came up with a title for it, and it was lame, but, I liked it. I named it "Sing for Me, Darling". It'll never leave this blog or that notebook. Jesus.


"Opposition with Myself"


'My eyes no longer burn for you.
The storm halts,
and calms the war.


How I hated myself
and prayed for atrocities.
A hypocrite in their eyes.


But, I laze.
For my time is done.
You went as you came.


Fleeting, fleeting, fleeting.


You are nothing to me.
Dirt underneath my feet.
To think that you were ever inspiriting.


To better myself,
and I rest.
I only fight for myself."


Day 23: Give pictures of five guys who are famous and you find attractive:


Alexander Kapranos:

Matthew Bellamy:

Nicholas McCarthy:

Dominic Howard:

Leonardo DiCaprio:

Settling down, it takes time.

I had a really awesome day at the MET today in the city (Manhattan/New York City). I actually really didn't mind being alone the entire day, until it came to lunch time. That's when things started to get awkward. Of course, everyone had gotten there way before I did, so, everyone watched as I sat at an empty table, by myself. But, technically I wasn't alone because I had my iPod with me. Whoever I was listening to spent lunch with me. Or, I can pretend in my mind.


In my solitude, I spent an hour with a painting by Van Gogh and Monet. I really can't explain how good of a day I had today. I didn't have to follow a guide throughout the museum, which is always nice. I also didn't have to go with any of my friends to where they needed to be. I did everything on my own time. 


I just realized that I closed this without finishing it last night. Today is the twenty-second of December in 2010. It's the day before the last day before break. Oh man, I can't wait. I need this break more than you can ever imagine. I just want to sleep for two days. Only two.


I sat out of gym class today to write. Brenna was distracting me from it, so, I didn't write as much as I could. I should be done with this in the next half hour, I think. I'm towards the end of it. I'll post it when I end it.


I have nothing important to do in school tomorrow, except for science which is at the end of the day. My friend Katarina is getting me a unicorn pillow pet, which, I am so excited for you really have no idea. I think I'll take a nap with it in Spanish when we're playing some game. I realized this year that my teacher's really can't tell if I'm sleeping or not, so, I plan on using this to my advantage. 


This break I really want to watch the beginning of Moulin Rouge because I started watching it towards the middle. I think I'll do that over the break, after my two day hibernation.


I apologize, I just don't really feel like blogging tonight. I'm really tired. I'm probably going to go to bed soon.


Day 21: One Of Your Favourite Shows.


Doctor Who. Enough said. 


 Day 22: How Have You Changed In The Past Two Years?

• I wear my hair differently.
• My music style has changed.
• I take more care in my writing.
• I am more irritated by people than I should be.
• I carry a tote bag around with me.
• I read a whole lot more.

You better run, better run, faster than my bullet.

Tired, boring day. I mean, school went faster than it usually does, which is always nice. I was thinking Sunday night that this week was going to be forever because it is the week before break. So, you know.


I stayed after school thinking that there was an Inkspots meeting, but, there wasn't. My parents picked me up and we went to the art store where I usually buy all these cool patterned notebooks. I didn't get a pattern this time, but, a bright-blue cover and one with 'Keep Calm and Carry On' on the front. It's pretty rad. In addition to this, I got two new pens in purple and green, but I won't see them until Christmas. It's only another five days. I think I can do it.

It's like that, but the 'Keep Calm and Carry On' poster is in this yellowish-white. Parchment colour like. 

I'm going to the MET tomorrow with my school, I'll be gone all day. I don't really feel like I'm in school that much this week. It's just going to be so long. I'm hoping that we get stuck in traffic. I mean, I do love going to the museum and all, but, I'm tired. I just want to sleep this week. I need to get rested up for the holidays.

I really want to know if Rob's going to this party or not. I don't think he is. But, if all his friends are, you might assume that he might go. I don't know. It's conflicting.

I'm going so I can bring my relationship with Natalie to a high point and then leaving the friendship to drift. We'll end on a good note. It's a long process, but, it'll end a lot better on both sides. It's exactly what I want. 

Day 20: How important you think education is.

Honestly, in my dislike towards school, I like to pretend that it's not important. I know most of the time I sit and wonder when I'll need to use any of this. I do believe that it is important because it allows you to get a grasp of other things around you that don't necessarily pertain to what you may be learning in school.

It sort of teaches you tolerance, too. That, of which, I have not learned quite yet. 

It's a lot more than that books, though. I think it's important because it shapes you to be somewhat of a functional human being and allows you to have the mental capacity to decipher the world around you. That's always important. In a sense, it teaches you survival of the fittest, even though that should be instinct, you know?

Suele tener. Me suelto. Me suelto en el deshacer. Al puro perder el ganar no compara.

With the help of Google Translate, I have learned that this phrase means Usually, I let. I break loose in the pure loss. It does not compare winning. The last bit doesn't make a lot of sense to me, but I edited it from what I had. It makes more sense now. I really don't care for Spanish that much, but, I always find foreign languages in songs to be interesting. I feel like the artist is trying to hide something from the public, but, the hidden meaning is always the deeper meaning. Unfortunately, I'm still trying to decipher what Paul Banks meant. ('The Undoing' by Interpol).


I sat at home and blogged all day. It wasn't very surprising. All my Sundays are generally very lazy and not much to do. I can't complain. I do like staying home a lot. A lot more than I would admit. I am so glad that this week is short. I mean, Christmas is Saturday! You can't get any better than that. 


The greatest part of it is that I have no community obligations this week. You do not understand how happy I am right now. I spend five hours of my week helping others, or preparing to help others and I know it doesn't seem like a lot, but, let's face it. As a teenager, I could be out with friends or something. The strange thing is, I am looking to do more for my community. If we ever finish our YAPP project, I'll be dedicating two more hours throughout the week to give a presentation about bullying. I'm not saying that our presentation is two hours, but, I'm just trying to take into consideration the transportation times and waiting for everyone. We can't all live within five minutes of each other. I have to say though, the people I met through the programme are pretty awesome. I'm trying to forget that I called the other girl in my group Regine. (Long story short: Her last name is the same as my cousin Ryan's girlfriend. She's Chinese, as my cousin's girlfriend is too. Her name is Regine, the girl in the group is not. I called her Regine. Her name is Ashley).


You know how it is.


Here's more of the evolution that I got done today. I know when to stop now, just so I don't mess it up as much as I could in a twenty minute period.

Day 19: Disrespecting Your Parents


As much as you love your parents and try not to insult them or get on their bad sides, disrespecting them is always going to happen because it's just the nature of growing up. Hell, I do it all the time. My dad is much more lenient about it because half the time he knows I don't mean it. I don't. My mother is the one who is always hurt ten times more than I had initially planned it on. Not that I sit around planning exact moments to disrespect my parents. 


It's natural, really. There's nothing more you can say about it.

We have two-hundred couches where you can sleep tight.

Look, I can't deal with Rob and Jesse at the same time. 


I'm going to have a mental breakdown if this continues anymore. 


Somebody save me.

Obstacle 1.

I really think everyone should hear 'Obstacle 1' by Interpol at least once in their lives. It might not mean anything to you, but, it means a lot to me. It's off their Turn On The Bright Lights record, their debut. It signifies my bridge into a love for Interpol and my endless journey to hidden, great music. 


Tracy thinks it is the greatest song ever written. I am beginning to see what she sees in the song, but, as much as I do love it, I don't necessarily think it's the greatest song. The bass line is incredibly fun to play, as many bass lines are. I like all the shifting in it, even though when playing music, you're trying not to shift your hand as much as possible. 


I just got back from going to various stores and the mall with Tracy. Some of my family Christmas shopping is done. But, it made me wonder. She was there getting gifts for her friends. She was having such a difficult time trying to find the perfect gift for her friends Jessica and Lindsey. Usually when I pick out a gift, I find it rather easy. I don't really know why. People always freak out about the right gift for a person. I think of it this way: If the gift doesn't scream the person's name as soon as you look at it, it isn't the right gift. Of course, you could ask the person, but, that ruins the surprise. That's the only place where I can see some difficulty in picking out a gift.


I got my sister Begin to Hope by Regina Spektor. I thought it was funny because I always thought I would buy it for myself. That didn't seem to be the case, obviously. She wanted Enrique Iglesias, but, I figured I'd get her something more enriching as opposed to 'I Like It'. She likes the songs she did in the movie The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe, otherwise known as Narnia and 'Samson' off of the record I got her. I figured it was a well-thought out gift. 


I just want to let it be known that I am seeing Interpol in February, and it will be awesome. I can't wait. I've been listening to them non-stop this past week. I really don't know why, but, they're really affecting me now. Hence I've fallen in love with Paul Banks. 

You really can't deny him. He's adorable. Even though most guys don't want to hear they're adorable. Whoops. 


I've still got AP World homework to do, so, I should probably stop blogging at this point. But, I am also going to use this blog as a diary for this piece of artwork I'm trying to complete over the winter break. Like I said, I'm drawing the Invincible - EP by Muse cover. It's coming out really well so far. I know I used the wrong textured paper and all, but, I can't really fix that at this point. I'm colouring it in using Prismacolour pencils.

Obviously, it's the female of the picture. I'm re-doing the stars, trust me. They're horrible. 

Day 18: Your beliefs. 

My beliefs... This is a really general question and doesn't really narrow much down. So, I'm going to assume that you mean morals when you say beliefs. Yeah.

I personally believe that you shouldn't go down without a fight, no matter how dangerous. It could be verbal or physical, I don't care. As long as you make it known that you aren't weak and you aren't timid. You need to frighten the person into thinking that if they mess with you again, you will destroy them. In a figurative sense, of course. Kill them with words.

I also believe that if a person goes behind your back or does something mean to you, you should never try to be friends with the person again. People are fickle, but, they are also straitlaced in personality. Nobody changes, and if they do, it isn't true. Their real personality will come back to bite you. 

I can't pretend, I need to defend some part of me from you.

I want to make it known to myself. I keep telling myself that my OCD is under control, but, I know it's not. I'm not even sure if I have OCD to begin with. It's easier to give it a name than to fight with a nameless and shapeless being. 


My OCD, if triggered many times in a short period of time (two hours to four hours), it causes me to act out violently. I've been able to keep it under control most of the time until this year. This isn't going to be some pity blog, but, since I can't openly deal with it now because I have several things to worry about, I take it out on myself. I don't bruise that easily, so, it's not bad. I know I can stop. This winter break is going to fix everything, I know it. 


My first ever AP exam is in three months. I'm starting to get overly anxious. I've been doing my review sheets for exams to the best of my ability so that when APs come around, I won't be a wreck. I've been dreading it since I walked through the doors the first day of sophmore year. None of my close friends are in AP World, so, I can't really study with them. I don't think anyone is going to want to study with me. 


I just got back from the mall and I realized how much of a mall rat I am. I actually love going to the mall with Ali and Michael. I love going with Tracy and Jenna. It's just during the Christmas time...messes me all up. My legs are really sore and I am never going to the mall for over six hours again. It's just a bad idea.

And I always find something wrong. You've putting up with my shit just way too long.

I'd be lying if I said this song does not make me cry or incredibly sad. I know that it's horribly profane and it's necessarily that "deep" (Depending on what your definition of deep is. I'm aware that it varies). I don't know why I feel like the line "Baby, I've got a plan; run away as fast as you can" hits me so hard. It's so simple and could be vague to the whole topic. In terms to the song, I feel like I'm dangerous to the people I know. Don't ask me why. 


I forgot to study for my science test today, but, I got a ninety-three on it anyway! I was/am still so happy, like you have no idea. I want to know if I lost points from the multiple choice or the short answers. Something tells me it was most likely the short answers. I'll get back to you guys when I get the exam back Monday. 


I was invited to this party on New Year's Eve by a girl named Natalie. I can't really call her my friend anymore. I'm fully aware of what's going on in her family, but, still. I feel so indifferent to it all. There's going to be alcohol there, but, that isn't what's deterring me from deciding to go or not. The main reasons are that the marching band does not like me because I quit (majority of the party is from the marching band) and the second one being that I don't really want to talk to her anymore, and I feel that if I go I'm just abusing the whole situation to go out partying. Because, you know me, the crazy partier. Sarcasm implied.


I'm not particularly interested in watching drunk people socialize. I don't know. I feel like if I don't go I'm missing part of being a teenager or something. Of course, I can always make up for the lack of partying once I'm a responsible adult. It doesn't make sense to me, it really doesn't. 


This weekend is going to be filled with school-work and pre-Christmas freakouts. Oh, I'm so excited for Christmas! I hope it snows. It'll give me an excuse to not get out of bed and then finish reading Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. I'm almost half way finished with it. I haven't had a lot of time to read it recently. Now, I will.


Day 17: Your highs and lows of this year.


Highs: My grades improved immensely. My father hasn't really gotten on my case about grades, only on the PSAT, which I technically wasn't supposed to take this year, but I did anyway. I joined marching band. I got a brand new bass to call my own. I'm reading way more. My violin playing has really improved. I met some really awesome people this year. My drawing skills have improved to a certain extent. I don't hate shading as much as I used to. I had the privilege to see Passion Pit, The Joy Formidable, Arms, The Morning Benders, Miniature Tigers, The Dirty Projectors, Phoenix, Metric and MUSE this year. 


Lows: I quit marching band. I met people who are detrimental to my health, mentally and physically. I tried bruising myself for some bizarre reason. I bought Starcraft 2 and I think of nothing else to do. My hatred towards my school has skyrocketed to impressive heights. I argue with my father much more than usual. 

I saw your picture, hanging on the back of my door.

This song strangely relaxes me. Most of the time, electronica makes me want to get up from whatever I'm doing and start dancing like a madman. Not this song. It's really sad, I think. Maybe disappointing in some parts, but, that's just how I interpret it. I interpret it differently every time I listen to it. Sometimes, I think it's just Robert Smith's voice. It's so fucking beautiful for such a scary guy. I apologize for my profanity, but the strangest singing voices are assigned to the most physically opposite people. I just don't get it sometimes. (Wes Miles of Ra Ra Riot, Nick McCarthy of Franz Ferdinand).


Today was normal. We had our annual bagel party for orchestra which I always enjoy. It's so refreshing not to play sometimes. My teacher doesn't understand. A break is good musically if you want to get things done. You can think about it. You may think the weekend counts, it does, but not as much as it does if she isn't there. 


After school, I went to the mall with my mother to get jeans that I will later receive as a Christmas gift. I got a new shirt that I really like and I'm going to wear it tomorrow. I realized that this year I received gifts of what I need as opposed to what I want. It's a change of pace. A lot of people might think that I didn't need a bass, but, let's face it. My original bass was a piece of crap. It was scratched everywhere and the strap knobs fell off. It wasn't going to work.


I'll be returning to my high school's marching band with a swanky new bass. I can't decide whether I'm solid about this decision, or if it's the dumbest thing I have ever done in my whole life. 


I've got some AP World notes to condense, so, I end my post here with my thirty day challenge. It's not like much has changed.


Day 16: Your views on mainstream music.


Let's not even get me really riled up about mainstream music. Some of it I do like, I will admit, but, ninety-eight percent of it I absolutely despise. As you may have picked up, my music taste can be considered indie and therefore that might make me a musical asshole. It does, trust me.


Mainstream music relies much too heavily on a repeated bass line and drum beat. It's all about going out to clubs and partying, as if that is the only thing that can actually bring you joy. Of course, this is definitely a major case because the young adults of America seem to only party, drink and do drugs at this point. 


It's made to get stuck in your head so you'll eventually get to the point where you'll like it so much, you will go home to purchase it on iTunes. These major record companies are making a giant profit off nuisances. Mainstream music is the reason why music is slowly dying. It doesn't take much effort to write a instant top one-hundred. In comparison to a song like 'Dreams' by Fleetwood Mac...everything else just looks so bad. 

Hide from the world behind a broken frame.

Okay. I had a really interesting day. 


Today was my first day back with my sinus infection. It's really not that bad anymore, but, I am still really tired. I think the winter break will fix that. I can't wait. Christmas time happens to be one of my favourite times of the year because everyone is just so drawn together. It's not really that forced, depending on where you are and who you are with. 


Rob spoke to me for the first time in a week. (You know, of course I kept count of that because I am cool like that). I think he's started to get the notion that I'm not going to talk to him on Facebook. If you want to be friends with me, you will either talk to me in person or this friendship isn't going to work at all. You can just give up now. I don't know why people feel like they get bonus points for locating you on the Internet. That's stalking, man. I believe a person is truly your friend if you can talk to them in person without a problem and talk to them on the Internet without their personality changing at all.


The joke is that he walks really funny. When I say 'funny', I mean, it is the most bizarre walk I have ever seen in my entire life. Tracy and I described it as "The Leaning Tower of Pisa during an earthquake". He's on her bus and I said, "It's good to see you alive and kicking Tracy."


Tracy: Wait, what?
Caroline: You survived the double earthquake!
Tracy: Oh. Wait. NOW I GET IT!


(His twin brother walks the same exact way). 


I also had my Winter concert tonight. It went really well. I'm so proud of us this year. I know we never have enough time to work on the Winter concert as much as the Spring, but, it turned out really well. Excluding that random bit of silence during 'North Star to Freedom' by Soon Hee Newbold, everything went as planned. I'm looking forward to the bagel party tomorrow. 


The Hallelujah Chorus was a completely different story. I was so nervous and completely under-prepared. I almost shat myself when I was on stage. It was not a good time. I'm a master at airbowing. I learned all about it last year when I was a lowly freshman. It seems like that was such a long time ago. I can't believe that it's almost Christmas time (again).


Day 15: Your Favourite Tumblrs.


Well, I can't really answer this question.

Rose tinted view...and satellites that compromise the truth.

I have decided. My project for myself over the winter break is going to be to draw this:

I realize that it's probably going to be a lot harder than it looks, but I think I can do it. It's the black patches that are going to kill me. I was considering drawing it on just black paper, but, the shading areas in some parts look kind of difficult if it was on black paper. So, I've made my decision.

Unfortunately, I have to do my art sketch for school and I still don't know what I'm going to draw. I'm thinking I'm just going to draw my tea mug.

...Well, I just decided what I was going to draw two times! Today has been a lot more productive than I initially thought it would be.

I'm trying to prove to my parents that I'm healthy enough to go to the dress rehearsal at my school at seven tonight. It's a while away, I know that much. I want to go because I want to play my violin. I haven't played it today and for some reason that irritates me a lot more than it should.  Part of me just wants to go to see who is performing in the chorus. Part of me just wants to go to get out of the house. Part of me wants to go just to see my friends that I missed at lunch. I owe Tracy a double third finger dance. 

Let's face it. I didn't do anything today, so, there isn't much to report today. I'm pleased with myself. I managed to keep this blog up and running for a lot longer that I thought I would. Always a plus.

Day 14: Your Earliest Memory

I remember I knew exactly what my earliest memory was yesterday and now I can't remember it for the life of me. I can entertain you with a story of what I did when I was a child.

ACTUALLY! No! I remember it now! It's so insignificant, but so significant at the same time.

I don't remember how old I was but I remember vividly going upstairs to the kitchen from the den. I saw my Ye Ye sitting at the table facing the fridge and my Ma Ma was cooking something at the stove. I couldn't smell it from my position on the stairs so far, but, once I hit the second stair from the top, I knew exactly what it was. 

It was fish. Again. I went downstairs and groaned. Since then, I can't really eat fish anymore. For three years (Oh snap, I was three), I had fish for dinner every night. Now I can't eat fish without being repulsed. I'm trying to make myself like fish again. It seems like a lost cause.