Groovy bass.

I can't listen to any song without it having a really sexy bass line. I'm sure you'd all understand if you started playing the bass. The bass is not a guitar. It is a bass guitar. There is such a difference. I get really offended if you call my instrument a guitar, or even worse, you call me a guitarist. It's really wrong.

I am going to blog this in short because I am extremely tired and I just need to get this off my mind.

If you take my morals into question and tell me to not to be who I am behind all your word fog, I will have pent up rage for you. Unfortunately, I'm looking at you, Michael. How dare you tell me how to act? Do not tell me not to hate because you don't like it yourself. This paragraph has been a giant 'FUCK YOU'!

But, I hope that it is understandable that it's almost impossible to hate someone you loved in the past. Or, if you're like me, planned out your whole life together. Then, it's really impossible.

Damn.

You blow my mind.

I guarantee you, say if I went over to the Middle East and northern Africa to help with the protests (Which, I desperately want to do). Off topic before I continue: It kills me that I can't do anything but currently sign petitions. If I had money to donate to the opposition efforts, I would. If I could go over there, raise awareness and fight for their rights, I would. People just think I'm all words, but, I'm not. I really do want to help and I have gone up to people and told them about the Libya situation. I feel like nobody cares.

But, say if I was wounded over there in my efforts, I would go unnoticed. This, I'm afraid, I am perfectly okay with.

Stereo love.

Am I actually listening to this? I suppose I am. I need a serious detox session and I wish I was easy to read. I want people to realize that I need to someone to talk to because I spontaneously combust. I wish I could talk to Michael because he knows more about Rob than I do because he probably talked to Catherine (his ex) about him. I'm not the confrontational type.

I want to go to his show, but, I won't because clearly he doesn't want me there. I'll just hide in the corner and realize I was never important, I'm just flesh.

Is it wrong to say I hope they break up soon? It's just me being a jealous teenage girl. I'm really bad with these things.

When Tracy for leaves to college, this is going to be so shitty.

This one is called Stella was a diver and she was always down.

I am incredibly exhausted. I don't know what to do with myself, but, I don't want to sleep. I know I should. That's why I came home early today.

These past two weeks have been absolute hell for me. 'Why?' is the most asked question and it's completely understandable. I have finally reached a point where I cannot tolerate the stupidity of my school or the people within it because their morals are non-existent. I walk around and think, "Wow, I am so glad my parents did not spoil me completely rotten.". The biggest problem is that I try to disguise my problem of why I'm upset because I don't want to blame Rob. He's made me so mad, not by anything he's done, it's because he's dating Jenna and I've become obscenely jealous.

God forbid I'm quiet and I like to observe. I don't even comprehend why I even like him so much. I feel like I'm lying to myself sometimes because subconsciously, I believe, a world without love is just plain boring. I tried it and turns out I fell for the guy who made me miserable in a matter of a week.

I'm glad all these people will never find out because I'd probably appear soft, wouldn't I? Sometimes, I wish I could have been more feminine, but a lot of my wishes never come true. This, I have justified.

Back to the general population of my school. Parents call up to get their kids in the most prestigious classes and to get grades changed. A quote from ratemyteachers.com from a review of my AP World teacher:

"I don't like <Insert teacher's name here (I would post her name, but, a name like hers, feels like there would only be one of her)> because my parents called up to get my grade changed and she didn't change it, unlike all the other teachers in the school."

Here's when my supreme Chineseness kicks in. I'm slowly moving on.

I really should be getting to bed, but, a biweekly catch-up is absolutely necessary.

I got third stand in orchestra. I was so happy. I moved up four stands from last year. I can honestly say that I'm proud of something that I achieved in orchestra. That is, before Sam cried for her seat. She's a senior and she cried.

Granted, yes, everyone gets nervous for playing exams, but, because you are older than me, you get to move up two stands? I understand seniority, but, it still makes me rage. I hated her quite a bit before this because of how she treated me in marching band, but, this just tacked on about fifty more reasons to hate her. You shed a bit of tears for Gullotta and you can get anything you want.

This has happened to me twice, mind you. Maybe I should start crying and I can get first seat.

I'm saying this sarcastically, of course.

Yesterday, or technically on the seventeenth of February, I went with Tracy and Jenna to see the New York City based band, Interpol at Radio City Music Hall. It was so fantastic, I don't really know where to begin. I'm still trying to process it, that's how awesome it was. They played all the songs I wanted, but, 'C'Mere'. I can't complain. I really can't.

This is what they played last night. School of Seven Bells opened up and they were really good. I forgot to buy the CD, but, I suppose I can still order it. I'm not too mad.

Success
PDA
Evil
Hands Away
Barricade
Rest My Chemistry
Narc
Say Hello to the Angels
Lights
Summer Well
Stella was a Diver and She’s Always Down
NYC
Heinrich Maneuver
Memory Serves
Obstacle 1

ENCORE
The Lighthouse
The New
Slow Hands
Not Even Jail


(Thank you, doublehawkmusic!)


To catch up, today, I went to hang out with Michael (Yay!), Ali (Yay!), Natalie (UGH) and Liz (UGH). We just chilled at his house and it was refreshing as opposed to always having to go out somewhere to have fun. I caffeine crashed hard and I am still recovering. I almost passed out from exhaustion at his house. It was ridiculous. 


I knew I shouldn't have gone, but, I didn't want to leave Ali alone with Natalie and Liz because Michael has a tendency to hog his friends to himself, two at a time. 


I left early because I have volunteering tomorrow. I'm still plotting a way to get out of it. It's probably not going to happen. It was a good idea though.


It's sleepy time. Goodnight, and thanks for reading.

Tonight, I'm gonna rest, my chemistry.

I'm simply copying and pasting this from my tumblr. I can't post anything personal there because people from my school follow that. It's just overly uncomfortable.

Let's get some things straight here:

I am sick and tired of seeing your face with your "new" girlfriend on my Facebook news feed. 

Yes, I am happy for you, but, that's how it always ends up for me. I am always the second choice.

I feel like I have something to prove to you, but, I know I don't. That isn't how I fly. 

I'm still seeing you in my dreams, and it's starting to scare me a little bit about how much I want to be yours. It's impossible.

Something deep inside of me wants to change and be that pop-punk princess or whatever. I will never let that happen.

I can only hope by Marching Band season, my wishes on stars will come true. You'll realize everything I've ever hoped for.

I don't wish that you and your girlfriend to break up, I just know it will happen.

As an addition, I want somebody to come up to me and ask how I feel about the entire thing. I just don't really want to bring it up. I want somebody to look in the middle school yearbook, find your picture and ask me, "So, how are things going along with him?"

Then, I can simply state how I feel or breakdown, the path I have been on for months now.

Washing machine.

World of Warcraft makes me feel like the adventurous hero that I will never be.

Coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine.

I've started a writing blog specifically for, well, my writing.


boats-and-trains-beyond-the-sea.blogspot.com


Lengthy, I know. But, I like it.

Don't look at me like that...you amaze me.

Here is something people don't generally believe. I am a very masculine female and I've been told so by many guys. It's gotten to the point where I have gotten self-conscious about it and manage to upset myself about it. The one thing  that aggravates me more than calling me Carolyn is calling me a guy. Sure, more things I do are attributed to the actions of a male, but that does not make me a male. I do not feel like a male, nor do I look like one.


Although, sometimes I have my doubts about my looks.


If I crush on someone, I continuously do. I wish on stars for them, chicken bones, birthday cakes, you name it. I used to wish on 11:11, but, I don't really keep time that well. I'm kind of childish, but I don't mind. I live in a fantasy world inside my head and I write fantasy. I love the escapism that comes with it. If I can't move physically, let me move mentally to a world no one else can touch. Nobody else can enter.


The past week, I had nightmares. Everyday. They weren't necessarily terrifying and had me screaming, they were just scary. They involved me being chased because I was going to be killed. There's a sub who recognizes me for my writing and he came after me. It was basically the same dream every night, but, slightly different. Sometimes, it was people I love and then it was the people I hate.


Last night, I was locked in a library, dimly-lit. The tables were empty and it was room temperature, not horrible. I sat in the corner and I don't remember how I got here, but, I don't ask questions. I sit and just stare at the bookcase in front of me, pondering the wide selection through the colours of their spines. I still don't get up. I drum my fingers on the table and try to figure out the material of the table because I'm sure that it isn't all wood. Later in the dream, Rob shows up. Dream-me is happy and we talk. Then I realize that he wants to be in a relationship. The dream-me's mind is exploding right now, like my brain would be right now. I don't even know how I ended up on top of him, but, you know.


I wake up, and then I wonder why I exist.


I've accepted many things in my life and this, well this, I am coming to justification.


I locked eyes with him and I think I almost died. They're just...pools of I don't even know. Drives me nuts because I realize how plain I am.


If he ever found this, wow, that would be embarrassing. I'd have to delete myself from the face of the Earth.