boats and trains.

I've come here to express my disdain for a lot of things. I'm a person who tends to keep my personal issues to myself for a couple of reasons.

• I do not like to burden others.
• I feel awkward in doing so. 
• I feel that I am stronger than I actually am and that I can handle it.

I'm also a firm believer in the idea that people do not deserve second chances, you should not be friends with someone if you do not trust them and that toxic personalities must be removed as soon as possible (toxic personalities only fester; they turn into people who refuse to do things to help themselves and I can't stand that anymore). I'm not afraid to stop talking to someone completely if they fall into any of these categories. 

I always make myself available to people if they need someone to talk to, vent to, whatever. I keep my phone on loud at night so in case if anyone needs to talk to someone late at night, I can be there for them. I want to be there for my friends because that's what friends do: they're there for each other. Like this summer, two people needed someone to talk to late at night. I was on vacation and I usually sleep early, just to get more sun, but no. I stayed up into the early hours of the night because my friends needed me.

Again, that's what friends do. 

Here's the catch. Do my friends ever do any of this crap for me? No. (Exception of only two. TWO).

I wouldn't just go off about this for no reason. NO ONE takes into account how I feel about anything. For example, Michael about Natalie told me it was my fault that I was making things awkward for everyone else. IF I DON'T LIKE TO BE AROUND SOMEBODY, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO RESPECT THAT. IT'S ENTIRELY DISRESPECTFUL TO ME AND I WOULD NEVER SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO YOU. I say some off hand comment to someone else, I'm being dramatic. It's never, "Oh, Caroline, maybe you should approach it this way. I always try and do this when I feel <insert feeling here>, maybe it'll help?".

So don't fucking tell me it's my fault because I have emotions that make your planning harder. I told people specifically if you are hanging out with Natalie, do not invite me. I do not want to be there, so don't try and include me and don't give me the bullshit of "we want to hang out with you both". I never make my friends hang out with people they don't like. If I made plans and they want to hang out, I explain it to them clearly and make plans with them another day. 

It's not just that either. How many times to I have to mention that I don't like so and so person to my friend and I still end up in the same air space as them? My friends have no respect for me, yet I have so much for them. Why do I keep doing the things I'm doing? Because I'm a good person.

I don't want to be a hardass all the time, but I just wished someone would say they cared. Not say I'm being dramatic, unreasonable and ridiculous.

I never call anyone dramatic, unreasonable or ridiculous. Why? Because it really hurts.

I got home, just sat on the floor and whimpered. I almost started crying in the car because precisely, no one cares. I had to keep tilting my head back and sighing to stop it. When you asked ambiguously how our day was, I almost started screaming at you.

And never say I'm the only person you talk to anymore, because that's bullshit, too.

I only whimper. I shed one tear, pull it together and march on. That's what good soldiers do.

still have yet to cry

and a moment's hesitation

I'm just trying to get my life in order to get ready for college. Isn't that honorable in some way? I've filled out the Common App promptly, connected it to Naviance, finished my college essay and had it edited by Oriani. I got all my resumes in to the teacher that need it and whatever. I've done a lot for one month, I think.

When I do try to study, it's always a joke. I was a punk freshman year, not now. Why can't any of you see that? I fucking try, I ask questions, I stay after class, what else could I do?

I spent about an hour today just doing physics and math, two subjects that I hate with a burning passion. The results are showing though but my parents don't notice that. It's all my shortcomings and crap like that. Some say that's good parenting, but they've never really supported me in ways typical parents would. Coming to senior year and realizing this, it really hurts.

It's always something Catherine can do, never something I can do. I'm just the lazy fuck with no future because I didn't study in freshman year. FRESHMAN. YEAR.

Let's all step away from that because my average was A 94 THE NEXT YEAR. A LITERAL SEVEN POINT JUMP. So don't fucking say that I never work my ass off, because I fucking do.

I worked hard for my trig score. I didn't need Wally this year, I did that myself. I found the help I needed and I progressed. I grew up. I don't know what else I could do to become a "young adult".

If you're going to make a joke out of everything I do, I'm going to stop doing it. Not because I'm stubborn, only because it's pretty much natural for anyone to do that. You're being ridiculed for something you're doing? You stop. You don't want to deal with the mental strain that being mocked brings.

I honestly can't wait to get out of here, just because I've had it with my parents not believing in me, or anyone.

I'm there for everyone else, but no one is there for me.

Mostly because I don't let people in.

I'm scared to.

waiting for a train, going nowhere.

I never understood why my parents always said that they always believed in me.

Because they never did and they always try to lie to me that they do.

I'm so sick of it.

Maybe it's because I don't know the feeling of someone believing in me, simply because I try to stay away from the center.

It's a very empty feeling.

i'm giving you a nightcall

I really suck at express my emotions. Not like happiness or things like that. I am genuinely happy right now.

But sometimes, when I need to cry, just because it's a very purging feeling and refreshing, I can't.

Crying is weakness.

Continuing on with my day, now.

i took a walk and threw up in an english garden.

Sometimes I hate how immensely loyal I am. You know what? I know that I am, so I have every right to say it. I will defend your honour like it was my own, I will fight for you, I will keep your secrets 'til the day that I die.

You need to vent, I need to vent.

I dislike the fact that some people recognize this, but get shocked at the fact that I just drop people sometimes. The reason is simple: you do something to destroy the trust we built, you can forget about friendship. Why be friends with anyone if you can't trust them?

If you need me late at night, early in the morning, I will be there for you. I find it sad to say I've had friends in the past who would not do the same.

I really hate it when people get mad at me for dropping people, then coming back to me and saying something like, "Oh, you were so right. Why didn't I listen?". Yeah, why didn't you listen?

Don't get pissy with me if I choose not to talk to someone. I don't get pissy with you. I never really understood. If you can respect the ideas and thoughts of someone on something, anything, why can't you understand my desire to not talk to someone?

Are we so incapable of maintaining different groups of friends?

It bothers me because I am seen as an anomaly in the eyes of the "norm". I'm not patting myself on the back and saying, "Wow, I am so different, aren't I such a special snowflake.", I'm saying, I go with my gut. I don't like something, I'm out.

It saves the time and agony over whether so and so is mad at so and so. They don't talk, done. No drama.

You can stop trying to get me to change my ways, because this is how I was raised. Trust is vital; drama is not. I never try and change you. I give you my opinion and the logistics and I leave you at that. I never say anything that would create consequence if you didn't do it.

You're your own person; so am I.

So, as I utter an angry, shuddering breath, I am done. Fuck you.

--

My mind has been blissfully empty as of right now. No drama, no studying worries, no boys. Finally.

A good blissful ignorance.