your love.

I still wake up sometimes missing Drew. I guess that's normal.

Not so normal when I had the most random dream of meeting Eric in Chinatown. Tasty Dumpling grew about ten times in size and we were sitting at a table for four. Strangely enough, there was Korean food (bulgogi) waiting for me. He never spoke - just specifically because I don't really remember what his voice sounds like.

I mean, it's just one of those days where I stare at my ceiling and think about what I did. Why am I still so caught up on this?

It occurred to me that one of the main reasons that I can't process words of comfort from other people is because most of my life I've worked things out in my own way. In short, I'm so stubborn and I think I'm so independent that I can just deal with things on my own. I know I can't. That's another thing I have to work on.

I'm just so tired waking up some days with that pit in my stomach. It's emotionless, too. I miss him and all, but there's no feeling with it. I don't understand it. It's just blank. I really shouldn't miss him, I know. But part of me knew I would be all wrapped around on this.

I try not to talk about it anymore, but it just keeps showing up in my life. Like, he went with some girl (I wrote other girl first, but then realized that I wasn't in his picture anymore) to his Homecoming dance, understandable. All I could think about was "Oh my God, this girl. THIS GIRL. I already don't like her! Ha! He downgraded! Look at her teeth! Look at her fucking hair for God's sake! Whatever, whatever ego ego ego...".

Which, I think if anyone else saw her, I guess they would agree with me that he did downgrade (Holy Jesus, my ego is HUGE). It's kind of comforting in a very narcissistic way.

He said he would date me if I lived in Ohio, but I think that's bullshit. Vacation really screws around with everything and let's be real, the jock isn't going to go for the fucking girl in the marching band who plays the fucking glockenspiel. This isn't a world created by Taylor Swift.

As easy as things could be if things were like that.

Today, I was at marching band from twelve to five. Today was way longer than yesterday, I don't know why. It's probably because I was there for the entire time and on my feet. My feet hurt so much. Jaxson ran away from me when Michael frightened him. He ran into the backyards on Willow and I had to go sprinting after him. I lost my shoes and almost lost my phone.

Yesterday, I got my permit with Michael. I got a hundred on the test. I want to go out driving.

Becky always tries to be hard with us, but it's not going to work. Like O'Hagan said, "If you give people a taste of freedom in one part of their lives, they will expect it in all parts of their lives.". She was incredibly lax with us during band camp and now she expects us to crack down. It's not going to work. I'd rather do push-ups than play "Joy" or "River of Tears".

Nine days until I finally get to chat with Eric in people. Nine days until I ride the train into the city (hopefully). Nine days I put my socialization skills to test.

Until then, homework until I choke.