baby, i can feel myself giving up.

Nicki Minaj has actually been soundtracking my days recently. It feels good. I need something rough to listen to. Soft indie music has been driving me up the wall because it hurts too much. Nicki Minaj is fueling my "dont give a fuck" attitude and makes me not cry. She's making me stronger. I never thought I would ever say anything like that, but it's so true right now.

Drew got a new girl and I can't say I'm surprised, but I am. Even though she's not "new" - he went out with her before. I found out through my cousin, Katie. I cried loudly when I found out, but it was a short cry and I can't even force myself to cry anymore. It's like I've worn by tear ducts - (he just poked me on facebook now...really?) dry. They just won't work anymore. As if I'll have to replace them surgically or something.

It's gotten to the point where hurting this much over a guy is just normal for me. I wish it wasn't. Like I've said before, I'm just done with white guys. I've never found myself attracted to an Asian guy...except for Taeyang of BigBang and Tatsuya Fujiwara. I suppose Eric is my new interest...but not really. I've never spoken to him in person. I'll have to see what happens.

How could it me, little me
Had the power to be the best B, in the league
Yeah inevitably, but could it be little me
You was heckling me, now it's monotony when I regularly
I catch wreck on recreation, so I exceed all your expectations
Bitches ain't got it in 'em, I kill 'em and then I skin 'em
The contract was signed but I am the addendum
So wh-where my dawgs at, Randy
Ma-ma-matter fact, get off my dick bitch, Andy
Ca-ca-ca-cause everything is fine and dandy
Go against me nooooow, I dare you, Bambi
Half a million dollars just to upgrade the car show
I ain't even detonate the bombs and the arsenal
Before the storm comes the calm
Hope you can take the heat like LeBron
Ahh, ha hahahaha ha
I'm the best now, anybody with some money should invest now
Soccer mom needs to organize a pep rall
You game over bitch, Gatorade, wet towel
Mothafuckers ain't ready, they neva been
As long as I am in the game, you'll never win
I'm on that different type of high, heroin
Put on my cape and hit the sky, heroine!

You just can't get the rawness of rap in "fantastic" music. Am I changing? I just noticed that they sampled "Don't You (Forget About Me)" by Simple Minds. Wow.

"Blazin'" by Nicki Minaj featuring Kanye West (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JaOFuU0vQJk).

I guess it's a good reaction to want to be painfully successful when someone breaks my heart as opposed to sitting around eating my feelings in ice cream and chocolate.

Real school starts tomorrow. Nayim in front of me in Chem smells exactly like Drew. It hurts, specifically because of today's events, but now I feel stronger than steel. I don't know how I deal with this but it just happens. Thank you, music, for being there for me when I need to hear profanity and the blood of lyrics.

Blood representing the base and roughness of music. It made sense to me in my head. It may not be natural, but FUCK. I'm not going to fucking listen to "I Sing, I Swim" by Seabear to cheer me up!

IT FEELS LIKE I'M BLAZIN'.