knocks you down.

I used to be fascinated by heartbreak. I thought relationships solely were wonderful and I still do. It just hurts to be so emotionally ravaged and then deprived of something you coveted so. I used to think that relationships were better than marriage itself because of the constant threat of break up. I don't want that anymore. It hurts way too much in the literal and figurative sense. I thought that the wonder of being able to move on and have a bunch of boyfriends without actually settling down was better. Again, not the case anymore. Now, all I want to do is have a boyfriend that will be my soul mate because I believe in things like soul mates. I also wish on the first star I see and have a fascination with 11:11.

Although, 11:11 not so much. I found more luck in wishing on stars. I am a dreamer and I enjoy staring up at the celestial sky because the fact that the world is practically endless is wonderful.

Love is a complex thing and I know I'm not even nearly prepared for the severity of the word or what it entails, but I know in time that I will come to understand the real meaning and feeling of it. It won't be just through brief happiness and butterflies to quiet suffering. It will work and I hope I can achieve that, or just learn a part about the word with Eric, if I can make it work.

Like I said, I had a burst of confidence when I was "with" Drew. I'll thank him so much for that. Part of me wishes that he's still going to go to school in New York and we'll meet up. Maybe we can reconcile then. I wonder if he ever told his friends about me. (I mean, really, New York girls > Ohio girls). If I want something, I'm going to go after it. Or at least try to. I'm trying to do that with Eric, but I think he's even shyer than I. (Me? Making guys nervous! Blasphemy!).

I mean, I just remembered what Rob told me a year ago. The first time he spoke to me, he was putting away Pit equipment with me. He had been helping for a couple days now during band camp and then the first couple of practices that showed up during the school year. He made the stupidest conversation starter, I remember. He was asking me about the marimba, I think. He later revealed to me that it took him weeks to gather up the confidence to come up to talk to me, even if it was mundane. I thought that was kind of flattering. But I hate that I scared him, I guess.

I don't think I'm that frightening.

Granted, I know I act "tough" and I put on a "tough" face daily, but I'm really not. I'm really over-emotional and girly when you get to know me and get past my exoskeleton.

My only insecurities are my thighs and the scars from the rash I gave myself. I know I'm not ugly. I'm actually pretty and I have a good body. I love my small boobs and I love my butt (No, really, I do). Men are attracted to me and I know this whole paragraph just turned into an ego post, but I need to just remind myself when I ever feel down.

People like me for me and that's one of the best feelings in the world. Along with doing math and actually understanding what you're doing.

Summer ends in about a week, a little more, I think. I had a great summer. I really did. I made a post on my tumblr that said, "I'm seeing a drastic change in my likes and interests. I can't say if it's for the better yet. Here's to a summer of change and experience.". It basically sums up my entire summer. Let's go through what I accomplished.

• I started to re-read the Harry Potter series.
• I finished American Gods finally and began Anansi Boys, something I kept putting off. 
• I finished all my summer work in July after I got home from London.
• Did I mention I went to London, England for a week? 
• I saw Stornoway at Somerset House; my first English concert!
• I actually took the time to memorize my marching band music, unlike last year.
• I learned how to count music effectively. 
• I brought my average up about five or six points.
• I think I improved as a writer.
• I had my first summer fling/romance/relationship.
• I learned how to kiss - I'm allegedly a natural at it.

And now, I conclude. School tomorrow, OMD in five days.