tonight.

I'm just doing a quick check in today. I'm going to bed really soon. My face washing routine is really the thing that takes up the most time.

I got Eric's number today and John's. I can't go into Chinatown until October 9th and only for that weekend. I won't really be able to go until Marching Band is over. Reason #2342039483240234 marching band sucks.

I got to talk to Fleming today. It was nice to see her. She's really chill. I wish I could take Ethics senior year.

I'm writing the diversity essay. I think I could actually win if I can figure out how to come up with four-hundred more words and a new topic to discuss. Each paragraph is about 156 words each. Not so bad, right? I'm really proud of what I've written so far.

Drew's texting me now. Are we serious? ARE WE SERIOUS. He's asking for nudes, basically. Are you fucking serious? You haven't talked to me in like, three days? You text me all horny? Fuck you! FUCK YOU.

I swear, people just don't want me being relatively stable during school. I've been listening to BIGBANG, a South Korean boyband, a lot. I don't know. I just need something to feel like I can dance to. I'll probably end up being an angry dancer.

"I still remember very clearly just what it used to be like
I just can’t seem to erase these images in my head
Can’t you tell me just what do I need to do
To let you find a way to my heart (my heart)?
When I wake up each morning, I still see traces of you
Every day, I still pray that I will see you once again
Am I in a dream? Should I let go? Should I keep this pain to myself?
My mind tells me what to do (what to do), but then my heart says (but then my heart says)How can I give up just like that and not fight?
For something inside tells me if I…if I keep trying, you’ll come back one day"

That's from "Koe wo Kiksete" by them (BIGBANG). Obviously that's the English translation - they sang this in Japanese. Fucking overdramatic son of a bitch, I am. 


Now that this is going on, I'm not going to sleep tonight. I woke up this morning and I felt like crap. I wake up and it's still dark. I just honestly didn't feel like getting out of bed today. I felt like wallowing in my own self-pity and I know it's bad. 


But now that I know Eric cares about me a little bit, that's always nice. I saw Spenser, John and Corey today. I haven't seen them since mid-May. I really like going YAPP. I really feel like I can be myself there without being judged. I don't know. 


I can just roll in there, look like a mess and still be accepted as a decent person. 


It just occurred to me that Drew's basically like cheating on his "girlfriend" by asking for nudes. What a cunt. Cuntie cunt cunt.


I'm just so tired and I can't deal with this right now. I felt so good after coming home from YAPP. I wish that feeling would come back.