i want to wake up where you are.

I have my physics final tomorrow and I really can't be bothered anymore. I'm tired and its the last thing on my mind. I've been bashing numbers into my calculator and staining my hands with ink for the past five days and at this point, I think my brain refuses to input anymore information.

I always forget I have this thing and every time I do remember I have it, I page through the last couple of blog posts and realize how much I dramatize everything in here. Actually, I don't know if I dramatize it because it just might be my stream of consciousness or something like that. Dad and I agree that emotion is weakness. Mom thinks we're crazy.

I'm still kind of processing that Grandpa died. He's no longer suffering, but I pray for a day where cancer is cured just as easy as strep throat. I wanted to smack Janay for being so insensitive when I was talking to her about the whole Arlington situation. Yes, in reality, his noun is a  "dead body", but he's my Grandpa so fuck you.

I forget that she never really had a family, so she probably doesn't understand family ties. It's not something you can explain to a person, I realized. I just left it and quietly fumed at my register.

The wake was filled with hundreds upon hundreds of people. Grandpa looked really nice in his Navy blues. I hadn't seen him without the swelling since August and he looked like my Grandpa once again.

I'm worried about Grandma though. I think everyone in the family is. When we first got to the wake, she flat out fainted. Scary is an understatement. She's lonely in the huge house they have.

I'm really really upset because I might not be able to attend the funeral (Yeah, he hasn't been buried yet). Arlington was backed up and we couldn't get a date until August 22nd. We wanted him to have the whole procession, rideless carriage, the gunshots. I go to college on the 19th of August. Orientation starts on the 22nd.

I want to be there, I really do, but I'm also afraid I won't meet anyone. I'm not exactly the social butterfly (despite what people tell me) and I just want to be forced into meeting people.

I am really excited for college though. I can't wait to officially be a Jasper on campus.

And you know what really fucking sucks? A lot of my guy friends use me as a rebound flirt thing. Like I have no fucking idea that this even is. Eric breaks up with his girlfriend and he's trying to get into my pants. I had to flat out tell him that he was being creepy and to back off. He did this back in freshman year. Harry does the same thing. He breaks up with his girlfriend and he tries to get with me. (Honestly, if he actually tried to get me to like him, I wouldn't mind, but all he wants to do is hookup).

I don't know if it's because I don't come off as very feminine, but I am so sick of this stuff happening. Like honestly, I've struggled a lot with trying to make myself more feminine but it's not who I am. I'm totally cool with everything else about myself except for the fact that I carry myself like a guy. I'm probably over analyzing it.

Okay, I have a headache. Bedtime.