I'm going to do some sort of incomprehensible stream of consciousness here. I haven't written lately and it's not due to the fact that I'm especially lazy when it comes to documenting things, but rather I haven't actually had the time to sit down and write about everything that's happening.
In a sense, it is good. I'm no longer cooped up in front of an LED screen, banging on my keyboard until something interesting comes along. I live in New York City, Manhattan, the capital of the world, let me tell you: this city does not sleep. There is always something to do, and for that, I am grateful. I could go to museums, outdoor excursions, hell, concerts, one of the primary reasons I stayed in-state for college.
I'm in the process of staying at school as long as possible, just to see if I can do it. It's not that daunting of a task, but enough for the woman who went home every two weeks because socialization in college is a bit overwhelming for the introvert. It's going well, if that's any consolation. I saw my family last Sunday for dinner at Emporium Brazil. Bruno told me how proud he was of me for going to college and that studying English is wonderful. He told me how he thinks the English language is beautiful and literature itself is an art. It made me feel better about choosing my major. Obviously, I'm nervous about what I'm studying. Yes, it is versatile, but at the end of the day, it's not as marketable as say, a marketing degree or you know, an engineering degree.
I wouldn't mind pursuing engineering at this point of my life, but I know I don't understand the inner-workings of math well enough to perform decently in the school of engineering. I'm not exactly thrilled with the idea of going to Leo more than three times a week.
Math will always be a struggle, but there's something beautiful about it being my last math class ever. Three more weeks and I will have no use for my graphing calculator, well, academically of course. I still can't do basic computations in my head. Well, you know, I can, but I don't trust myself enough to say my answers are correct.
I have a new appreciation for the study of religion thanks to my professor Geraci. I've always been exposed to religion as something rigid and something delicate as well. It's never been exactly fun to learn about either. But this introduction course has totally changed my mind. You can poke fun at religion and not be offensive about it (Hear that America?). Ultimately, it's just very entertaining to listen to a Jewish-raised, now-agnostic, fu manchu-donning, cave-painting tattooed man speak about religion. It's a lot, I know.
Science is just a lot to cram into my brain for how inconsequential it is to my major. I've got a midterm in two hours and clearly my last minute study session is going phenomenally.
Well, that's enough for academics.
The main reason I am here is to talk about how tumultuous my social life is right now. I don't really speak to Simona or Heidi that much, and to be honest, I'm rather grateful for that as well. They're nice girls, truly, however, we don't have much in common and it's really just a clash of interests when we do speak. I hope we can all be adults about this and remain cordial in the future. I know Simona has a streak of blowing things out of proportion and I'm afraid that's what will happen.
Kaylee is nice and all, but I realized why I find her irritating: when she has to explain something, it has to be this elaborate, long-winded story regarding her life when you could be talking about juice. Something so stupid and unimportant. Why do I need to know about your family's life story regarding breakfast and juice? I don't understand. I think it's cool that she's comfortable enough to tell us all about her familial life, but I don't need to hear everything you've ever done with them.
I love Jessica. She's precious. She's always there for me and I hope I can be there for her when she needs me.
Alex is my girl. Plain and simple. We can just pick up after a couple of days not seeing or talking to each other and it's nothing.
MATT ON THE OTHER HAND.
I told Matt that I liked him last weekend. I was rather abrupt with it, but I wasn't exactly in a good state of mind to be proper or eloquent in my speech or social graces. He told me that he wasn't looking for a relationship because he was focusing on schoolwork. It's noble enough, I get it. Relationships are taxing. The next evening, Saturday, I went to Greenpoint to escape campus and just hang out with Jessica and Alex. I needed it. I came back to a text from Hunter saying that he was hooking up with another chick. It hurt and I cried in front of Hunter, but what could you expect from me? I was emotionally vulnerable.
Last night, I was sitting with him in Evan's room alone. I was looking to make a playlist, really just averting his eyes because I knew that I was still getting him out of my system. I didn't want to make him think anything, either. He's quiet for a little bit, which is fine, I don't like talking all the time, but he opens his mouth and the conversation, in short, goes like this:
Matt: Caroline, I want to talk to you about something.
Caroline: Okay, what?
Matt: I want to talk about how you asked me to be your boyfriend last weekend.
Caroline: Nope, I didn't say that.
Matt: How you wanted to be in a relationship with me.
Caroline: Nope, not that either. I said that I really liked you. That's all.
Matt: Well, I should have said yes.
He never really looked at me when he said this. He was kind of staring at the desk and I attributed that to his intoxication. I can't really remember what I said after that, but I was obviously struck dumb. I wanted to get in depth with it, just get all of my harbored sentiments and thoughts on the table, but Evan came back in the room. I told Matt that it was a private matter and we'd have to continue this conversation later this evening.
At the end of our evening, Matt went to leave and I took my leave as well, wishing Evan a good night. Evan followed me out, insisting that he walk me home, which is a rather nice gesture on his part. I told him not to worry, still lucid enough to know that I had to speak with Matt, but he followed me out. Evan knew though and went back to bed.
I knocked on Matt's door and I looked him dead in the eye and said, "Are we going to talk or what?" and he, being inebriated and on Mars, says, "Oh, right." and follows me out.
So I explain how I thought what he said about me at lunch with George and Jessica was uncool. I said that even if you didn't reciprocate, I'm still your friend at the end of the day and that's lame. It hurt my feelings and made me angry. He tripped over his words and said he didn't mean for it to come off like that. (Great.)
He walked me to the entrance of Jasper Hall and said he was really in no state to have this conversation, which I respected because neither was I. I, being as serious as can be, asked him if we were actually going to have this conversation. He said, "Yes, tomorrow." to which I replied, "Do you promise?" and he responded again in the affirmative. We shook on it and he hugged me goodnight. I looked in the reflection of the glass to see if he was watching me leave. He did not.
I came to write this post for the sole purpose of writing all of that nonsense about Matt. I needed to get it off my chest, but I also needed to write it out to see if I still feel the same as I did last weekend. And to be honest, I don't. I've worked him out of my system. Perhaps I've moved on rather quickly, but all that happened in the span of four days was enough to detox.
I couldn't really pinpoint how I felt about him after what he said last night. I just see him as a friend I could care for immensely in a platonic sense. But he has asshole-ish tendencies and that's a major turnoff.
I just want to listen to Fleet Foxes all day. Maybe get around to studying for this science test.
Did I mention I got two new piercings? They're still a little sore, but I'm thinking about getting a third one on my lobe on my right ear. The last two are going to be a cartilage hoop on my left one and a second lobe piercing. Mom is going to kill me. But that's all I want.
I mean next to a tattoo of my Chinese name, but that's a little more permanent than the piercings.
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