Five Star notebooks makes me go unf.
Band camp. What can I say about band camp? I'm feeling obnoxiously confident about my music. I'm playing the glockenspiel and the vibraphone. I'll be playing percussion on the last song "Joy". I could think of a bunch of different things I would love to be doing with my time, like sleeping or playing Dragon Age, but no. Marching band is my life. I know for a fact I'm quitting after this year. I'm enjoying it only after dinner. The work that comes before it is too much. I wanted to fake passing out and go home just because I didn't get a break for the first four hours. It was too much. I had a headache and I was sweating like a pig. It made me wish I was outside, just because there would be some kind of breeze.
I think the bigger problem is that when my mind begins to wander and I begin thinking of Drew, I forget what I'm doing and then Becky yells at me.
I really should be focusing on my studies, anyhow.
I'm finding it hard to make anyone happy. I know I shouldn't care, but how does one please everyone? I guess I'm just stressed, probably over-thinking every step I make. But it's so hard to think past that you honestly can't please everyone and anything you do will not make people happy. I think maybe it's implied that we should all sit in silence and granted, with silence, comes euphoria. Pure ignorant bliss.
Do I want to get out of this town? Yes. Do I want to get out of the state? No. I love New York. I don't feel like I have anything to honestly complain about other than people. The world is so different beyond suburbia and I want to go to college now. Going to college is an experience in itself, I know, but I feel ready for it now. I feel way older than I should.
I have no right to be, anyway. My mind keeps telling me, "Oh, you have a boyfriend now, now you're fifty.". Just when I thought I had turned sixteen. Probably not.
I have nothing to complain about because my life is good. It's such a weird thing to say because I've never really felt consistently happy during the summer. To be honest, I feel more pressured during the summer because I have so many social quotas to meet. If you don't hang out with so-and-so, then so-and-so thinks that you're ignoring him/her and therefore upon your arrival at school, so-and-so won't talk to you or is secretly agitated with you because you didn't meet the amount of times you were supposed to hang out with them.
I love being alone, but I hate being lonely. The summer time, I am never lonely because I never feel the need to be with people constantly. Conversations grow to be inane and not exactly interesting.
Talking is just pointless. I like physical gestures anyway. It might be because I don't particularly like my voice.
I never really expected my first relationship to be long distance. I'm listening to "Long Distance Lullaby" by Stornoway like a mad man. I actually have a whole playlist.
- The End of the Movie by Stornoway
- Our Deal by Best Coast
- When I'm With You by Best Coast
- Long Distance Lullaby by Stornoway
- Can You Tell by Ra Ra Riot
I listen to it when I get all whiny, clingy and "I miss you" at night. There's nothing I can do but talk about him because that's how I'm currently dealing with the pain. I don't know if it's really pain or just raw emotion.
And my inability to trust human beings is really getting in the way. I don't want to believe cheating is a possibility, but I know it's there. I don't think he will, but in all seriousness? He's not a bad looking guy and I know other girls are going to trying to get with him.
I might just being cynical. I'm cynical most of the time.
I only truly trust Jaxson because I know he won't judge me. He'll just love me unconditionally regardless of what happens. I like animals better than people. I said it.
I've rediscovered The Ataris again. It's been way, way, WAY too long.
"And so it goes, no, we won't let go, if you are alive. Then be truly alive. Just open up your eyes, pay attention to the signs. The colour of this sky in this night".
"We missed the point of living, so caught up in this moment. We threw out all convictions and traded them for substance. This life, you hold so near, will fade in time."
If I could quote the entire song, I would. But I'll spare you the clogging.
I'm probably going to bed soon, anyway.
My hands reek of cheese.
I also never realized how self conscious I was about my body. I don't know, you don't care, I know. Drew just chills shirtless and pantless all the time. And silk boxers? I don't even own silk underpants.
Enough about underwear.
I leave you with "The Cheyenne Line" by The Ataris.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00T6gyCVopk
AND THE VIDEO THAT MADE ME LOOK THEM UP.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5N1yGXOwek
It's absolutely fantastic World of Warcraft Machinima. If you haven't played the game, you can still appreciate it.
Until then, I sign off.
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