when we collide, we come together.

The chorus of this song is like common knowledge, but I don't understand how it can be so powerful with something so basic.

I know I just posted, but I'm looking back at my archive and I'm sitting here crying.

I'm pretty sure everything has taken a turn for the worse at this point.

Everything that has to do with Rob makes me cry. Does this make me a girl now? Does this make me less manly? AM I FUCKING GIRL TO YOU NOW? OR AM I JUST AN ANONYMOUS SON OF A BITCH?

Caps. Okay.

Starcraft Two. I was playing it about an hour ago and a guy's account name was Rob. On the other team? His brother. I flipped for no reason. I felt some obligation to continuously help him and we won. For once. (Hate you random 4v4 teams...). I'm still sitting here wondering if that was him or not. It's not fucking important though.

Then, "Maps" by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs came on iTunes and sat there crying while playing Starcraft. Thank God Michael and I didn't use skype today. We didn't even play Starcraft together today because he has his SAT II's tomorrow in Merrick. Anyway, continuing my horrible capital letters.

I'M NOT SURE WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO TO MAKE ME SOME IMPORTANT ASSET IN YOUR LIFE. I'M NOT SURE WHY ANYONE FUCKING TALKS TO ME TO BEGIN WITH. I'M SUCH AN ASSHOLE TO EVERYONE I MEET AND I DON'T KNOW WHY ANYONE STICKS AROUND. I DON'T KNOW WHY I WANT YOU SO BAD AND I DON'T KNOW WHY GOD HAS DECIDED TO SET SOME TORTUROUS HEART WRENCHING PATH THAT WILL LAST UNTIL YOUR GRADUATE, WHICH IS NEXT YEAR.

EVER SINCE YOU STARTED TALKING TO ME, I WANT TO CHANGE EVERYTHING ABOUT MYSELF. I JUST WANT TO BE A GIRL FOR ONCE, BUT IT'S FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. EVERY SINCE I STARTED TALKING TO YOU, I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT MYSELF. I CAN'T LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND BE PROUD OF WHAT I'M SEEING. I SEE FRECKLES AND MY WEIRD MOUTH AND MY STUPID EYES. I SEE MY HORRIBLE RAT'S NEST OF HAIR AND A CONTORTED BITCH FACE THAT MAKES ME A MAN.

WHY AM I EVEN HERE, REALLY. I'LL JUST BE A SKANKY BLONDE WHORE, OR SOME FAT BAG WITH HER HAIR ALWAYS TIED BACK IN A PONYTAIL.

BETTER YET, WHY DON'T I JUST GO AND GET A SEX CHANGE. I AM A MAN, AFTER ALL.

I DON'T THINK ANYONE UNDERSTANDS HOW MUCH THAT HURT ME. I DON'T KNOW WHY IT DID. I JUST WANT TO CRY EVERY TIME SOMEONE MENTIONS IT.

SORRY I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING PRISSY VOICE. SORRY I'M NOT FUCKING DAINTY. SORRY I'M NOT GOING TO SHOW MY TITS TO YOU BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO. SORRY THAT I ACTUALLY HAVE A BRAIN. SORRY THAT I'M DEFENSIVE AND WOULD FUCKING DESTROY ANYONE WHO TOUCHED MY LOVED ONE'S. SORRY THAT I'M NOT AFRAID TO BE MYSELF WITHOUT YOU. SORRY THAT I WANT TO BE COURAGEOUS AND NOT ALWAYS HAVE MY HAND HELD BY SOME FUCK WHO CAN'T EVEN WALK IN A NORMAL PATTERN. SORRY I'M NOT GOING TO JUMP INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU BECAUSE I HAVE STANDARDS BEYOND YOUR FUCKING PUNY MIND. SORRY I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO MAKE GOD DAMN FRIENDS ALL THE FUCKING TIME. SORRY THAT I'M RATHER INTROVERTED AND FIND PLEASURE IN MY FRIENDS WHO I'VE KNOWN FOR YEARS. SORRY I DON'T LIKE FUCKING SKA BUT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FUCKING CHANGE ME.

NOT NOW, NOT EVER.

I DON'T NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO OR HOW TO ACT. I DON'T NEED TO BE TREATED AS DISPOSABLE. I DON'T NEED SOMEONE TO ALWAYS HOVER OVER ME TO MAKE SURE I DON'T STEP INTO A HOLE OR INTO A KNIFE. I DON'T NEED TO BE DEFENDED AT NIGHT. I DON'T NEED RE-ASSURANCE FROM SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T LIKE ME FOR ME. SORRY THAT I DON'T KNOW YOU WELL ENOUGH TO BRING OUT MY SIDE THAT OTHER PEOPLE SEE; YOU'LL NEVER SEE IT BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS OF A MOTHER FUCKING PINE TREE.

AND YET I SIT UP AT NIGHT, WANTING TO BE TREATED LIKE SHIT AND JUST COPE WITH IT. IT'S WHAT I DESERVE FOR NOT BEING A 'REAL' FEMALE, RIGHT?

haha, yeah, well fuck you.

That feels better.