I'm really sick of my browser (Google Chrome) randomly shutting down and taking all my tabs with it. It's such a problem. I didn't write much here to begin with, but it's still frustration. Microsoft Word, unlike Chrome, auto-saves periodically. I mean, I know blogspot does that sometimes too, but I haven't had that done for me for a while. Maybe I should start hitting the 'Save now' button more often.
I've been getting really emotional over playing badminton. I'm not happy about that. I start to lose and then I start to cry. It might be the human thing to do, to cry. It relives stress in a way, but I am the type of person who needs to keep their tears inside. I don't like people seeing me cry. Today, it wasn't so bad. I tried playing through my tears, but I couldn't breathe. I was gasping for air and I felt like I was being smothered. The shots I lost were pretty simple. I wish I wasn't so blinded by anger, frustration, rage. (They're all the same in the end). I'm an angry crier. I don't think I really cry when I'm sad. I haven't done that for a while.
Marching Band has started up again. I think I've been welcomed back. I still feel some sort of tension, but I wasn't expecting to be welcomed back with opened arms. I have strange dialogues and scenarios in my head; they never go the way I'd like them to.
I know that I'm not doing Marching Band for my friends or for myself. I'm doing it for Rob. I can't lie to myself. I can't mask it over. I can't do anything to hide it. I want to prove to him that I'm better than Jenna. In all honesty, I do believe that I'm only doing this because he's the only guy who's acted like a guy around me and has treated me like a girl.
That's a bit of an overstatement. He's called me a guy. Since he's said that, that's all I think of. It makes me angry and I want to change my wardrobe. You can't have it all. I know I shouldn't have to. I should just be myself, but with something like this, it's difficult. I mean, when a guy tells you he likes how you fit in his arms, it's really hard to not fall over at his feet. Then again, with reading him, he might be telling all the girls that. I'm such a pessimist. I can never see the brighter side of things.
I have been told repeatedly that I'm pretty. It takes me a while before I see it when I look in a mirror, but I know it is not a lie. I'm not drop-dead gorgeous or make-you-vomit ugly, but somewhere towards more pretty but not horribly ugly. I feel like that my looks are all I have to hang on to right now. That's a stretch. I feel like I'm never going to get into college (We did this college thing for school today, my grade does not make the cut).
I'm waiting for real Spring before I break out Jack Peñate. He reminds me of this time so much. I try not to listen to him in Winter and Fall. I keep it to a minimum in Summer because his music epitomizes Spring. Don't ask me why I think that. Everything Is New has a Spring connotation for me.
Jaxson is doing well. Health wise and all. His ear mites are almost all gone, but his excretion policies are poor. We almost had it. He's trying to test us and our limits.
In addition to all of this mess, I was asked to play bass in a band with two pop-punk kids. Kim's pretty cool, Natalie is a douchebag. That's it. It's not going to go anywhere. Might as well as say yes and then say I did.
I should go to sleep now. I've got so much to do, including for blogging and updating boats-and-trains-beyond-the-sea. I hate that I can't submit anything without it being one to two years old. Hesitation is always bad. I over think things. I wish I wasn't such an over-analyzer.
Goodnight, my lovelies.
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