nuxx.

I feel like my life is zooming past me. I'm sitting here, miles behind my world's progression in a blur that I will never escape. I can run as fast as I can; fast like the wind; the speed of a crashing storm wave; the kick of thunder at my feet.

I am listening to "Born Slippy (Nuxx)" by Underworld from the Trainspotting soundtrack which I got today while in Park Slope at this really cool secondhand record shops. They're one of my favourite places in the world. Back to the song though. I listen to this song and then I suddenly feel like all the speeding particles slow down and I am able to see my cluttered world again. In all honesty, I feel like my world is falling apart. I have no reason to be upset and I have to keep telling myself that.

All I can think of is how shitty of a person I am and then in retaliation, people act shitty towards me. It's all cause and effect. To be loved is too much.

I punched the wall again and I think I really messed up my finger this time. I need more of a reminder that my life doesn't suck, why not put a bruise there? This is all sarcastically speaking, mind you.

The bad is never outweighed by the good. My parents are trying to keep such an eye on me and I wish they didn't, but I do at the same time. This isn't a cry for help, this is my outlet. I can only hold it together for so long. I don't know why I hit the wall again. Hitting it released so much energy and stress which made it all strangely euphoric. I felt it, no doubt, but I needed to hit it again.

Sounds strange, doesn't it?

I want to take account that this stress is probably just my AP World exam closing in on me like poison, but I know it's not. It's Natalie, Jenna, Rob and Michael. I have so much trouble coming to terms with that and I don't know why.

I guess this is just growing up.