Don't look at me like that...you amaze me.

Here is something people don't generally believe. I am a very masculine female and I've been told so by many guys. It's gotten to the point where I have gotten self-conscious about it and manage to upset myself about it. The one thing  that aggravates me more than calling me Carolyn is calling me a guy. Sure, more things I do are attributed to the actions of a male, but that does not make me a male. I do not feel like a male, nor do I look like one.


Although, sometimes I have my doubts about my looks.


If I crush on someone, I continuously do. I wish on stars for them, chicken bones, birthday cakes, you name it. I used to wish on 11:11, but, I don't really keep time that well. I'm kind of childish, but I don't mind. I live in a fantasy world inside my head and I write fantasy. I love the escapism that comes with it. If I can't move physically, let me move mentally to a world no one else can touch. Nobody else can enter.


The past week, I had nightmares. Everyday. They weren't necessarily terrifying and had me screaming, they were just scary. They involved me being chased because I was going to be killed. There's a sub who recognizes me for my writing and he came after me. It was basically the same dream every night, but, slightly different. Sometimes, it was people I love and then it was the people I hate.


Last night, I was locked in a library, dimly-lit. The tables were empty and it was room temperature, not horrible. I sat in the corner and I don't remember how I got here, but, I don't ask questions. I sit and just stare at the bookcase in front of me, pondering the wide selection through the colours of their spines. I still don't get up. I drum my fingers on the table and try to figure out the material of the table because I'm sure that it isn't all wood. Later in the dream, Rob shows up. Dream-me is happy and we talk. Then I realize that he wants to be in a relationship. The dream-me's mind is exploding right now, like my brain would be right now. I don't even know how I ended up on top of him, but, you know.


I wake up, and then I wonder why I exist.


I've accepted many things in my life and this, well this, I am coming to justification.


I locked eyes with him and I think I almost died. They're just...pools of I don't even know. Drives me nuts because I realize how plain I am.


If he ever found this, wow, that would be embarrassing. I'd have to delete myself from the face of the Earth.