SYNTHHHHHHH

I just really want to go partying one day. Like, really wasted, obnoxious music partying. When I say one day, I mean like, this year. A typical high school party. I haven't gone to one and I'm already a junior (although, past me would be so horribly disappointed).

It's just an aspect of life and although I don't have to, the experience would be enough to either tell me not to do that or teach me how to control myself in that kind of ambient.

It's only fun when you go with friends. My friends are against it and I'll respect that. The whole other point is actually getting invited to one of these places. It probably won't happen unless I really put myself out there socially.

To be honest, I know I'm changing. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm leaving behind a chapter in my life because I can almost feel it releasing me. I feel freer in a sense because doors are opening to me and I have several paths to choose from. I don't know what to do and I don't know what's going to happen when I get to the next segment.

I wish life was as easy as adjectives. What I mean by that is an adjective has a set meaning and leaves things very organized (green grass, green beans, green house etc) and therefore it is easy to put things into catagories because they have something similar between them. I like to think in black and white because it just keeps me kind of under control. My Spanish teacher explained it with teaching. She said that they teach us to think in black and white and then at a certain level, they incorporate other things and venture into the "grey".

I am perfectly okay with the grey, but not entirely grey. I used to think of myself as one of the blacks or whites, but it occurred to me the other day that I'm nearly drowning in the grey because I don't feel like I really belong anywhere. This isn't really a whole realization of OH MY GOD, I'LL NEVER BE ACCEPTED SOCIALLY ANYMORE BECAUSE I'M JUST SDKJFLSJDFLKSDF. No, I'm just trying to find the adjective I could use to describe myself.

It's like an identity crisis, but it's not at all.

I'm actually thinking of going out for the soccer team next year. I know I've said that a million times before, but there's just something so romantic about victory with the wind blowing in your face. All red faced and proud because of how hard you played for the win. Granted, it's like marching band, but pit just doesn't do that. I want to throw a fucking shoulder and I want to get the high of scoring again. There's really nothing like it.

I get frustrated at marching band when I see the soccer teams playing. I'd rather be there than here.

I want to see if I can get away with playing dirty still. My shoulder under the arm is a Caroline Classic. Booyah.

"Grade 8" by Ed Sheeran (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMV3a9e0-eU).