under your thumb.

I just needed to get this out here.

There's this kid I've known for about three years now, always been in my science classes. I met him when I was a sophomore and he was a freshman. I'm talking to him right now and he's telling me how he's going into the military straight after high school.

It's really weird because this kid is younger than I and I don't really know.

He's a good kid, I don't think most people see it.

Go navy, though.

girls like mystery.

Last night I went out to the Witches Brew with Janelle and Michael. It was nice to hang out with them. I had an amazing sandwich that burnt the top of my mouth, but entirely worth it. I had a papaya passion fruit tea drink and I finally got to relax after the past hellish week. I was exhausted, I still am, but again, it was nice to hang out with them.

It's been so liberating since Michael got his license. There's so many places we can go now without our parents hounding us down. I mean, of course we have to be back by a certain time, but you can push that further blaming it on waiters, traffic, you name it. We were out until about 12:30.

It was a taste of freedom and it was nice.

I made them listen to The Vaccines. They are so good, it hurts.

Michael wants to come with Brenna and I to see them. The only problem is that we always go front and Michael doesn't really like crowds. I don't want to ditch him, but The Vaccines are so much fun live. I couldn't give up the opportunity to be shoved up against a bunch of sweaty people, jumping around to "Wrecking Bar (Ra Ra Ra"). The little things.

However, I just wish he would stop berating me for choosing Manhattan College. I don't understand why he's hounding me for it. I don't really want to go to Ithaca anymore, but I keep it as an option because I haven't committed to Manhattan yet. He keeps making fun of the fact that I'd be living in the Bronx; his mother asking him why I want to live in the Bronx. It's the same question I ask myself, why would he want to live in Rochester?

He's not supportive of me, yet I have been supportive of him. I just don't understand sometimes.

I can't tell if he's just mad because I won't be two hours away from him, but six to seven hours away.

Whatever.

I think I'm getting sick. I've been drinking a lot more green tea to load my body with antioxidants. I hope it works.

try sleeping with a broken heart.

I am tired.

I am excited.

I am ready to live.

It's a brand new year and I have been pretty neutral recently. I haven't really been angry, particularly happy or sad. There's something liberating about being a blank slate. I have been accepted to all my colleges and I have my heart set on Manhattan College in Riverdale. I can't believe I'm graduating this year. In six months, I will be a high school graduate. In six months, I will never have to enter the high school for educational purposes again. In six months, I will be considered a legal adult.

In seven months, I will be preparing for going away to college. In seven months, I will be wrapping up my work at Key Food and solidifying my ties there so I have a job during the winter break.

I don't know, I feel like I have worked out a lot about the future. I'm not as afraid of what the future brings, simply because I've planned to lay out a solid groundwork to propel myself forward.

There has been no self-loathing, but no self-loving.

I've been trying to spend more time with my parents just because I know I won't be home next year to do so. That makes me sad.

I've been trying to stay out of Catherine' hair simply because she's going through her British fandoms right now. I remember going through that, too. It's a frightening time. Only, she has it for the worst things of British-decent and likes about ten thousand more things than I did. That and Taylor Swift. For obvious reasons, it's just easier to avoid that than directly confront it.

Everyone is worrying about prom, but I could really care less. I'm not really sure if I'm even going to go. My parents didn't go to their prom so I really don't feel any incentive to go. Our school throws really crap dances, so I don't feel like I'd be missing out on anything other than the after party. That's the only thing I'm looking forward to, but you can't go to the after-party if you didn't go to the party, right?

I'm more concerned about Janelle going to college and dorming somewhere. She's beginning to confide in me more and I'm glad she trusts me.

I want to stay close with all my friends once we go to college, but I know we all suck at correspondence. I promised Tiffany that I'd buy those weird BIGBANG postcards and send them to her sporadically with no message on them.

Oh, right. I saw BIGBANG in Newark on November 9th, 2012.

I had a nightmare that my guidance counselor forgot to tell me I needed an extra credit to graduate and I had to redo senior year. If I didn't graduate with my class, I would cry. I know I hate about 98% of them, but they're my class. I want to graduate with them.

put a wetsuit on.

I believe I am happy. I can fully enjoy life, knowing that it has all these wonders for me to enjoy. I understand that there will be ups and downs, but again, that's life. You trek through and you enjoy the fruits of your labour.

You meet some oddballs, you handle them. You press on, like a good soldier.

When I get down, I always tell myself that good soldiers always march on. I want to be a good soldier, so I hold my head up high and work hard. Other people say I don't work hard at all, but work to the point where I physically sicken myself. (Physics? I studied to the point where looking at the review packet made me ill. I only got one question wrong on the part one).

I'm a pessimistic though, as a safety net. I'd love to think that the world is entirely good, but it's not. It's not even a matter of turning on the news, it's an understanding of reality. Pessimism is viewing the world as it actually is (some say depression, I say pessimism).

The leaves in the fall are red, yellows and purples, yet they will die like everyone else will. The blue in the sky brightens the colours in our eyes, but it too, fades into a black. The stars never really light up the sky like they do in the movies. They only fade.

The universe is pulling apart as we speak.

the expectations can be great.

Don't blow up at me for not disclosing how I feel.

No one has asked me how I've felt about anything in the past five years, nor do they let me talk without some snide comment.

This is why I never unfold myself.

This is why no one reads my writing, knows my favourite songs or knows my dreams.

I just keep losing.

i'm missing you.

To be honest, I'm just really fed up with people in general right now.

They don't understand personal space, time or place. By place, I mean solo time. Sometimes I just want to listen to music and sometimes I just really want to talk. I never really thought of myself of either an introvert or an extrovert, but I think now I can say I am somewhere in the middle. A moderate of sorts.

I'm somewhat pissed off at Michael right now. Why? Because he honestly be such a shithead and he doesn't know when to stop. God forbid I can't do something, that means I just hate everyone and everything. I snapped at him today, only slightly. I felt bad after I did it, but that was only about a percent of everything I have been bottling up.

I feel like I have no one to turn to, but I know I don't need them for a venting purpose. (In retrospect, I probably do, but at this point in time, I'd rather be in denial and pretend that I don't). Other people just don't have the time of day for me and I totally understand. I'd rather not burden you anyway.

I text some people, get a lackluster response. I understand; people are busy and you can't always be their number one priority.

Socially, I am not worried. I know if I wanted to, I could make friends. Life in general I'm just worried about. I'm worried that I won't be able to do the things I want to, branch out, things like that.

I just feel like my best friend doesn't even know who I am.

Does he know I love the city? Does he know that I want to go out and have fun? Does he even know my favourite song?

It's dumb, but it's things like that.

(Internally, I feel like I have a very wild partier, but given my group of friends, not a diss or anything, partying is out of the question).

I'm a hunk of flesh to people and I only have less of a year less with these bums.

Don't think you're going to be "stealing" my friends, Michael. You can meet them, but it's time we've all grown up from middle school.

boats and trains.

I've come here to express my disdain for a lot of things. I'm a person who tends to keep my personal issues to myself for a couple of reasons.

• I do not like to burden others.
• I feel awkward in doing so. 
• I feel that I am stronger than I actually am and that I can handle it.

I'm also a firm believer in the idea that people do not deserve second chances, you should not be friends with someone if you do not trust them and that toxic personalities must be removed as soon as possible (toxic personalities only fester; they turn into people who refuse to do things to help themselves and I can't stand that anymore). I'm not afraid to stop talking to someone completely if they fall into any of these categories. 

I always make myself available to people if they need someone to talk to, vent to, whatever. I keep my phone on loud at night so in case if anyone needs to talk to someone late at night, I can be there for them. I want to be there for my friends because that's what friends do: they're there for each other. Like this summer, two people needed someone to talk to late at night. I was on vacation and I usually sleep early, just to get more sun, but no. I stayed up into the early hours of the night because my friends needed me.

Again, that's what friends do. 

Here's the catch. Do my friends ever do any of this crap for me? No. (Exception of only two. TWO).

I wouldn't just go off about this for no reason. NO ONE takes into account how I feel about anything. For example, Michael about Natalie told me it was my fault that I was making things awkward for everyone else. IF I DON'T LIKE TO BE AROUND SOMEBODY, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO RESPECT THAT. IT'S ENTIRELY DISRESPECTFUL TO ME AND I WOULD NEVER SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO YOU. I say some off hand comment to someone else, I'm being dramatic. It's never, "Oh, Caroline, maybe you should approach it this way. I always try and do this when I feel <insert feeling here>, maybe it'll help?".

So don't fucking tell me it's my fault because I have emotions that make your planning harder. I told people specifically if you are hanging out with Natalie, do not invite me. I do not want to be there, so don't try and include me and don't give me the bullshit of "we want to hang out with you both". I never make my friends hang out with people they don't like. If I made plans and they want to hang out, I explain it to them clearly and make plans with them another day. 

It's not just that either. How many times to I have to mention that I don't like so and so person to my friend and I still end up in the same air space as them? My friends have no respect for me, yet I have so much for them. Why do I keep doing the things I'm doing? Because I'm a good person.

I don't want to be a hardass all the time, but I just wished someone would say they cared. Not say I'm being dramatic, unreasonable and ridiculous.

I never call anyone dramatic, unreasonable or ridiculous. Why? Because it really hurts.

I got home, just sat on the floor and whimpered. I almost started crying in the car because precisely, no one cares. I had to keep tilting my head back and sighing to stop it. When you asked ambiguously how our day was, I almost started screaming at you.

And never say I'm the only person you talk to anymore, because that's bullshit, too.

I only whimper. I shed one tear, pull it together and march on. That's what good soldiers do.

still have yet to cry