your love.

I still wake up sometimes missing Drew. I guess that's normal.

Not so normal when I had the most random dream of meeting Eric in Chinatown. Tasty Dumpling grew about ten times in size and we were sitting at a table for four. Strangely enough, there was Korean food (bulgogi) waiting for me. He never spoke - just specifically because I don't really remember what his voice sounds like.

I mean, it's just one of those days where I stare at my ceiling and think about what I did. Why am I still so caught up on this?

It occurred to me that one of the main reasons that I can't process words of comfort from other people is because most of my life I've worked things out in my own way. In short, I'm so stubborn and I think I'm so independent that I can just deal with things on my own. I know I can't. That's another thing I have to work on.

I'm just so tired waking up some days with that pit in my stomach. It's emotionless, too. I miss him and all, but there's no feeling with it. I don't understand it. It's just blank. I really shouldn't miss him, I know. But part of me knew I would be all wrapped around on this.

I try not to talk about it anymore, but it just keeps showing up in my life. Like, he went with some girl (I wrote other girl first, but then realized that I wasn't in his picture anymore) to his Homecoming dance, understandable. All I could think about was "Oh my God, this girl. THIS GIRL. I already don't like her! Ha! He downgraded! Look at her teeth! Look at her fucking hair for God's sake! Whatever, whatever ego ego ego...".

Which, I think if anyone else saw her, I guess they would agree with me that he did downgrade (Holy Jesus, my ego is HUGE). It's kind of comforting in a very narcissistic way.

He said he would date me if I lived in Ohio, but I think that's bullshit. Vacation really screws around with everything and let's be real, the jock isn't going to go for the fucking girl in the marching band who plays the fucking glockenspiel. This isn't a world created by Taylor Swift.

As easy as things could be if things were like that.

Today, I was at marching band from twelve to five. Today was way longer than yesterday, I don't know why. It's probably because I was there for the entire time and on my feet. My feet hurt so much. Jaxson ran away from me when Michael frightened him. He ran into the backyards on Willow and I had to go sprinting after him. I lost my shoes and almost lost my phone.

Yesterday, I got my permit with Michael. I got a hundred on the test. I want to go out driving.

Becky always tries to be hard with us, but it's not going to work. Like O'Hagan said, "If you give people a taste of freedom in one part of their lives, they will expect it in all parts of their lives.". She was incredibly lax with us during band camp and now she expects us to crack down. It's not going to work. I'd rather do push-ups than play "Joy" or "River of Tears".

Nine days until I finally get to chat with Eric in people. Nine days until I ride the train into the city (hopefully). Nine days I put my socialization skills to test.

Until then, homework until I choke.

origins.

I got my permit today! I'm so happy, you really have no idea. I was always worrying about it, when I should get it, am I too old to be getting my permit...ridiculous things like that. Now that I have it, I plan on taking Driver's Ed in the winter and then hopefully getting my Junior License when my birthday comes around. John and I always joke around about driving down to the Flea Market Montgomery this summer - if we actually did that it would be the funniest thing ever. (Watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vao-IfsMROA).

I would have a four day weekend, but because of marching band, that is not the case. I had practice from twelve to five today and the same tomorrow. Although today, because of my permit-getting, I missed an hour and a half of practice just dealing with the DMV. I was going to spend today doing schoolwork just so I could free up my "break", but that still entails studying for regular school AND the PSAT.

I know I shouldn't really be blogging because of the amount of work I have to do ahead of time for Wednesday. I think my parents are going to let me go into the city on the train by myself. It would make this whole meeting up with Eric so much easier. I wish I had the courage to talk to him more online. I know I can talk to him when I go to the field, but it's kind of annoying. I usually just text him Sundays, just to see what he's up to. He never really texts me, but Andy said he was too shy to talk to me in the first place. I'm probably using this as a crutch.

But I know that when marching band is over, my friends and I are going to be spending most of our weekends in Manhattan, probably Korea Town if we don't go into Chinatown. I will ever escape my Asian roots, it seems and I am perfectly fine with it. Tiffany says she's going to get me that Taeyang poster, unf. He's the sexiest Korean I have ever seen. His abs are to die for.

As seen here:

If I could stare at this man as I went to sleep...

OKAY I AM BEING CREEPY PLEASE DON'T MIND ME BUT THIS GUY IS KJLDSFJDSLFSD.

Back to homework. Nerdom. I still have to get into that thing called college.

take a chance.

Can I just mention how relatable this secret is from Postsecret?

Nudes are for the dedicated, okay. 

take me back.

So, a girl from my school made a post about making out with a guy for a half an hour on tumblr and she's like, "Whoa!!!!1".

And then I'm sitting here thinking, "Wow, I thought she was a skank.".

I went way too fast for any romance that could have bloomed. Two hours straight? What was I thinking?

He was tagged in a bunch of pictures for homecoming dance or something. It doesn't look like he took anyone. Serves him right. My booty is walking away now. On to bigger and better things. Aka, Eric.

Oh well. (Can't my current interests ever live in the same town as me? Damn).

fiction, fiction.

Eric said we should get lunch after soccer because he can't stay long. I didn't suggest doing anything after soccer. Definitely over-analyzing. If anyone wants to tell me what this really means, it would be appreciated. I want to stop thinking about it.

Until then, I will continue to fail all my classes and not get into college.

rebuild the energy.

I had to walk home today - I have three new blisters. Flip flops aren't really great walking shoes. Oops.

Today was really stressful. The only good thing about today was that my math test was moved to tomorrow, as opposed to being today. My chemistry test was supposed to be tomorrow - it was today. I finally understand significant figures though, you know, hours after the test. It's better late than never. I talked to Nuzzi and she totally understands my situation (she must have heard how my voice started to crack when I was talking to her). She said that through extra help, we can change my test grade through that. I hope so.

John said he's going to try and come to the football game on Saturday with his girlfriend Emma. I'm actually really happy for him - as I would be for all my friends in relationships. He's a good kid, whether he wants to realize it or not.

But I don't know, I'm just especially happy for him. He's grown up a lot since he was a freshman last year and just beginning as a sophomore this year.

I mean, I can't really say many of my friends have been in relationships that I could be happy for them. Trust me, I will. My friends are the greatest people around and deserve all the happiness in the world. I know I express my happiness or my excitement in strange ways, but I hope it's conveyed...

I try to smile a lot more now. I smile at people, random strangers, which I've never done before. I think this is all about my ~transformation to a ~young adult, or whatever.

Drew said it was so weird to see me not smiling. Hence why my serious face was so funny.

I never really thought I smiled so much, but I guess I have a reason to now.

More specifically, let's keep smiling because my crying face is awful.

and kiss you as we die.

I could also annotate this one phrase to shreds. It comes from "Act V Scene IV And So It Ends Like It Begins" by The Ataris, a painfully epic, heart wrenching song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xj1kiQkGvsQ).

I probably wouldn't be so upset if stopped seeing so many couples out there. It's selfish, I know.

But it's only high school, I don't think we should be so wrapped up in another person now. We need to grow, not be hindered.

I say this and then I'll be head over heels over some other douchebag.

I really torture myself over love and I know I do. I am the biggest hopeless romantic I've ever known.