i wanna hear every beat of your heart.

I'm just really mad right now.

I'm seeing OMD tonight and I'm really excited to see them, as I always am. I was going to see them with Brenna and her mother along with Dad, but then Brenna texted me this morning saying that, and I quote, "hey im not rele feeling omd i dont think im gonna go". Now, had she said this about two months ago, I would have been fine, whatever. I bough these tickets back in March/April, so she had a shit ton of a time to figure out her opinion about them.

Basically, I've discerned that she'd much rather hang out with whom I presume to be Charlie and/or Toni, which whatever, fine. Brenna and I aren't necessarily close, but we can chill. It's going to be really difficult to hold back on blowing up when I see San Cisco with her this Monday with them. I just think it's really rude and uncalled for.

I remember Eric did this the day before Foster the People.

Last Friday I got off work and she picked me up because our parents were hanging out. She picked up Toni and they briefly talked about getting tattoos. I really hope she's not getting one today because I've just come to the conclusion that every tattoo idea that people my age have aren't very good. They just seem really poorly thought out and the design itself ugly on so many standards.

I ranted to Katarina and Katarina was like "wtf". I don't know. I wish Tracy and Jenna were home so I could hang out with real people.

Everyone tells me that my blunt attitude towards people is a terrible thing. Well, guess what. I fucking hate facades and people who hide behind them. You know what? Let me save you the trouble. I'm going to flat out tell you how I feel about you by not talking to you ever again. See how that works?

Think of all the unnecessary drama that was avoided. Whatever.

I got Dishonored the other day. It's really nice, some things are too convenient, but I really like the art style. You can't loot food from the environment, so I just eat everything and for whatever reason, I find that really entertaining. I decided Corvo's favorite food was Jellied Eels or whatever. It comes in a can. I thought it was canned tomatoes but it was actually fish.

There's something immensely calming about the sea. I like that Dunwall is so close to it.

Now that I think about it: I don't know why I would go out of my way to eat canned tomatoes anyway. Let alone jellied eels. How do you turn an eel into jelly anyway?

On another note. Come this Friday, my year of music will be completed. Three songs from every week. I'm debating whether or not I should zip folder and put it up for download, but I'm pretty sure that's piracy. So hence why the idea is still up in the air. I think it's really cool that I kept a tab on everything. Music is really important to me; I'd honestly rather listen to music all day than have to put up with the bullshit that people throw at me.

Oh, I passed my road test last Friday. Only fifteen points marked off. One for my parallel park and one for a shoddy turn.

Back to The Office.

and i'm not the kind that likes to tell you just what i want to do.

I periodically forget about New Order and yet I am seeing them in Williamsburg this July. July 24th, to be exact.

"Age of Consent" is just really speaking to me lately.

I graduated yesterday. I got my laptop about four days ago.

I have a plethora of mosquito bites on my body from Michael's grad party last night. Cortizone cream is my best friend right now. I've spent the last three days ripping all of my CDs onto this new computer. I'm only up to P right now. This is a nightmare.

Eric asked me if I wanted to fuck and I just fucking lost it. Fuck you, man. Leave me alone.

It really bothers me that any relationship I've encountered with the opposite gender has been so hyper-sexualized. Like, why can't I just be friends with you? Can you please CHILL THE FUCK OUT?

I'm actually kind of glad that freshmen guys are going to be kind of awkward when talking to girls. I'd rather have awkward and the slow build up of a friendship than the abrupt "do you want to hookup" question.

Back up, man. I'm not interested in you like that in the slightest.

I'm so glad I have Michael as a friend because there's no sexual tension between us in the slightest (as far as I'm concerned?) But man, if I had a dollar for every time someone thought I was going to prom with him; I'd be a real rich woman.

A girl named Allie is giving vocal lessons to Catherine and she was under the impression that I was going to prom with him. Two days before prom, mind you.

Whatever.

I'm going to continue ripping my music and screaming at downloads for being so slow.

Also I just realized that I still really like Jimmy Eat World.

i want to wake up where you are.

I have my physics final tomorrow and I really can't be bothered anymore. I'm tired and its the last thing on my mind. I've been bashing numbers into my calculator and staining my hands with ink for the past five days and at this point, I think my brain refuses to input anymore information.

I always forget I have this thing and every time I do remember I have it, I page through the last couple of blog posts and realize how much I dramatize everything in here. Actually, I don't know if I dramatize it because it just might be my stream of consciousness or something like that. Dad and I agree that emotion is weakness. Mom thinks we're crazy.

I'm still kind of processing that Grandpa died. He's no longer suffering, but I pray for a day where cancer is cured just as easy as strep throat. I wanted to smack Janay for being so insensitive when I was talking to her about the whole Arlington situation. Yes, in reality, his noun is a  "dead body", but he's my Grandpa so fuck you.

I forget that she never really had a family, so she probably doesn't understand family ties. It's not something you can explain to a person, I realized. I just left it and quietly fumed at my register.

The wake was filled with hundreds upon hundreds of people. Grandpa looked really nice in his Navy blues. I hadn't seen him without the swelling since August and he looked like my Grandpa once again.

I'm worried about Grandma though. I think everyone in the family is. When we first got to the wake, she flat out fainted. Scary is an understatement. She's lonely in the huge house they have.

I'm really really upset because I might not be able to attend the funeral (Yeah, he hasn't been buried yet). Arlington was backed up and we couldn't get a date until August 22nd. We wanted him to have the whole procession, rideless carriage, the gunshots. I go to college on the 19th of August. Orientation starts on the 22nd.

I want to be there, I really do, but I'm also afraid I won't meet anyone. I'm not exactly the social butterfly (despite what people tell me) and I just want to be forced into meeting people.

I am really excited for college though. I can't wait to officially be a Jasper on campus.

And you know what really fucking sucks? A lot of my guy friends use me as a rebound flirt thing. Like I have no fucking idea that this even is. Eric breaks up with his girlfriend and he's trying to get into my pants. I had to flat out tell him that he was being creepy and to back off. He did this back in freshman year. Harry does the same thing. He breaks up with his girlfriend and he tries to get with me. (Honestly, if he actually tried to get me to like him, I wouldn't mind, but all he wants to do is hookup).

I don't know if it's because I don't come off as very feminine, but I am so sick of this stuff happening. Like honestly, I've struggled a lot with trying to make myself more feminine but it's not who I am. I'm totally cool with everything else about myself except for the fact that I carry myself like a guy. I'm probably over analyzing it.

Okay, I have a headache. Bedtime.

i loved my english romance.

I like the song "Homecoming" by The Teenagers because I love the different perspectives given in the song, regardless of how misogynistic the song is.

I looked them up and they gained notoriety due to their misogynistic lyrics. Okay.

Anyway. I had the worst migraine today. I forgot that I was even prone to them. It had been so long (I'm still attributing the fact that they stopped coming because of my extensive computer use). It really sucked because I had to work today, three to nine. I thought I was going to work with Christian, but it turns out I was working with Peter. I was the only cashier scheduled on today and that sucked massively. Peter is cool though.

I came home and I had to sit in the living room face down to smother myself from the pungent smells coming from the kitchen. I couldn't even eat anything on my break today (noting that I wasn't necessarily hungry to begin with). Lights made it worse and especially the ammonia cleaner.

Peter said I looked like a girl who listened to the Arctic Monkeys. Quite frankly, I looked like a mess today. I don't know how that translates.

I'm also apparently the first girl who rejected Ryan. Whatever.

Fernando called to ask to hang out at the Bird Sanctuary. I was getting my Chinese on with Tiffany, Michael and Kellie and a plethora of sesame chicken. Priorities, you know?

I kind of wish I could just isolate myself for a while and sleep. I'm exhausted and overemotional. I keep having random bouts of sadness and anger. I've been afraid to miss physics.

They're not even triggered by anything. I was writing my Heart of Darkness essay yesterday and I just planted my face down on my notebook and was very sad. And no, I'm not moved by Heart of Darkness.

I realized that I haven't actually read the book. I was reading solely for imagery, contrasts, bullshit like that. Oriani always said that you'll only appreciate the book if you tear it apart and make it your own. She has no idea what she's talking about. Sometimes I want to go into teaching to prove people wrong. She even said that the longer something was, the better it was. What kind of bullshit is she feeding?

People hate English. I don't know why. It's uncovering mysteries and meanings in text; nothing is definitively right or wrong. There's a beauty in that.

I'm also finding the math done in physics is relaxing.

"what's the matter with you lately?"

why does it feel so good but hurt so bad?

I'm searching for excuses to fill my Smoothie King addiction. I just spent the last ten minutes looking up the health benefits to smoothies and bullshit. I just want to feel like I'm purging my system.

I mean, they don't really mention anything unhealthy, just the turbinado. Primarily, it's all fruits and natural juices.

Anyway.

It's so strange being a senior on the badminton team. I never really thought I'd actually make it here. Well, you know, of course I did, it's expected. But, now that it's here, it's really surreal. Like, the freshmen on the team this year are looking at me as the untouchable senior. They won't remember me past sophomore year, but occasionally they're come to mind. (It happens with me with my own senior class as a freshman. Fuck you, Arielle).

Today, Sam sent me a text message, out of the blue, saying, "I actually love you" and of course, I reacted as, "what did i do" because honestly I never know what I do to warrant a message like that.

And then she responded, "you are like my big sister". I just thought that was probably the nicest thing someone has said to me.

I'm trying really hard to be a mentor, a good one. I'm trying to teach people how not to freak out on the court and be better. I want to practice with people and teach them.

I break the badminton silence rule every day.

i swear i'll never wrong you again

It's funny. Death has always crossed my mind, not in the sense of suicide or murder, but just the idea of it. The idea of perhaps crawling into your bed and quietly passing into the black, never to return to the sun. Yet, it knocks on my doorstep (not mine, per se, but you get the general idea) and I can't run fast enough from it. I want to run towards it, ward it away and bar it from the world, but I'm no Winchester and I'm no angel.

Grandpa is dying; Grandma is gaunt. I am powerless, seeking answer in God who seems to have His line on busy.

For the first time, I broke down in public, in front of Oriani, Kuster, DelGuidice and Tiffany. I didn't mean to, I swear. But for whatever reason, I express emotion around my family and it's all a joke. I've just been so used to cooping up my emotions that when someone shows genuine concern, I play it off as a joke. All I know is that the more I do it, the cracks begin to spider and eventually I do crack.

I know I have people I could talk to if necessary, but I can't really talk to people about my problems. I rant into a fucking pixel board.

Honestly: I want to talk about it. I don't want to cry in front of people. Crying is weakness and a sign of hopelessness. I don't want to have no hope.

Kellie asked me after Inkspots if I was okay. Apparently I looked distraught. And what did I say? "I always look distraught."

"You look worried about something."

"We have to get to practice."

Yeah, I'm a tumblr basket case. If you ask me if something's wrong, I say, "I'm tired.". If you ask me how I'm feeling, I'll respond, "Fine" but on some stupid smile that I've mastered at doing and go back to doing whatever I was doing.

I just wish I could look at my grandparents without feeling like crying all the time.

Light up, light up, as if you have a choice

My computer is breaking, so I've been off it recently. My iPad has been a life saver.

I went out with Janelle, Michael and Tiffany to The Witches Brew for an overpriced meal. I mean, it always delivers, but I'm a cheap bastard these days.

I'm more frustrated with the fact that it's impossible for me to hang out with any of these friends of mine because they're chronic cancellors. Granted, they can't do much about it, but you figure they would tell their parents they have something planned and they'd work around it. I guess not.

So, I spend my weekends watching Supernatural, fawning over Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles. I'm hoping I meet someone in college who loves this show as much as I do.

It bothers the hell out of me that Tiffany complains about all these people but does nothing to remedy the situation. You are not obligated to continue hanging out with them, Jesus Christ.  I feel like a broken record, telling people the same things because they won't listen to me.

Claudia is pissing me off too. Unfortunately, I can't drop her like I usually do people because I have my off-period with her and lunch. Yay, my socializing hours are clogged with people I despise. 

Janelle asked me if Michael was okay, so I honestly responded to her and told her that he's not bad, but he's not fine, either. I told her not to make it a big deal and she went to go talk to Nuzzi about it. I don't know why I bother speaking anymore.

Especially with Nina and Inkspots. Jesus Christ, man. I ask you to do something, something which involves PUBLISHING YOU in the magazine and you throw me some bullshit. She's so wrapped up in her fucking head I can't even believe it. 

I don't understand why following a request is so difficult. 

I'm so fucking tired.