i tried to do handstands for you.

It's Christmas today. It was really nice going to Aunt Ellen's and Uncle Kenny's again. We haven't been there in ages since Ryan moved out. We don't see Cyrus much, but when we do, it's really nice.

I got some really nice stuff today. I wish I had more to say about it, but it was generally enjoyable.

Except the constant pang of the thought that had things worked out, I would have been in Ohio missing this. It was bittersweet solely because when I was sitting under the tree with my family, I would have missed that to spend it with another.

Another in which barely knew me, or so I think now.

For that, I am glad to have my family and to spend time with those that I truly love. Those whom I have an actual bond with.

substitute lover.

I find myself more exhausted than I should be. I go to sleep at a decent time on most days, but I still wake up feeling like absolute shit. I get my morning tea from the cafeteria when getting to school and sit at the table with Tiffany, Samantha, Emily and sometimes Annie. (Which reminds me, Quiz Bowl is coming up soon. It's going to be rad). I sit in APUSH and quietly sip at it, sometimes spilling it on the desk because I am in such a daze. I sit back and slide down a little bit, my eyes drooping. I love O'Hagan, but American History isn't exactly the best class to wake up to. It's like when I was a freshman and I had Spanish first thing. I didn't understand a word Beckner was saying solely because I hadn't even spoke English before getting to class.

I talked to Doyle and he said I can't switch out of Abrams for multiple reasons. One, he really isn't allowed to in the first place. Second, my schedule doesn't allow it. Had my schedule allowed it, I would be out of there in a heartbeat because of how terrible I am in math. If I hadn't taken Spanish honours this year, I could have been freed from the Abrams curse.

I've been trying to study, but I'm really distracted. What else is new.

Today, I went Christmas gift shopping. It was nice being able to get people gifts in which I could buy and not worry about my cash on hand. I still have at least eighty bucks on me. Everything is taken care of and I just have to wait for one package to come in the mail. Hopefully it comes before Friday of next week. It would be nice.

Yesterday, I went to YAPP and we made some ridiculous gingerbread houses. I haven't done that in a while. We were going to have a really fancy roof, but we had forgotten that this is a gingerbread house...not woodshop class. "GUYS I TAKE WOODSHOP, I GOT THIS." "JOHN'S GOT THIS, HE TAKES WOODSHOP." "I DON'T DO WOODSHOP, I AM WOODSHOP.". Our group was me, John, Ashley, Spenser and unfortunately Erik. I tried to get him to go away; I really can't make it any more obvious that I don't like him.

...But he likes me. It's so obvious and he doesn't know how to convey it in a manner which it is socially acceptable.

Nothing he does is socially acceptable. He's really gross and was on top of me for the entire two hours. I told him multiple times to move away from me and not in a friendly tone, either. He just laughed until I kicked his chair away, but he still ended back on top of me. It was so gross because he's really gross.

THEN

Spenser was talking about all of these colleges he recently got his acceptance letters from. I'm so jealous of him. He's majoring in creative writing and he got some sort of scholarship from a sport. Though, he was explaining things and he's well-mannered, so he looks at whomever he's talking to. Except his audience was a group and he kept looking at me.

I know that people have hinted at him liking me, too. He's a really nice kid, but I don't see him more than a friend.

Anyway, what I wanted to segway into instead of these ego boosting things (I don't know, people crushing on you is ego boosting...isn't it?) was that I took a picture with my friend John. (He's actually my favourite person, ever). I was making fun of serious hover handers and I made it my profile pictures because it's just so...FUNNY.

Fast forward to today. I'm sitting in orchestra, waiting for the caffeine to kick in. I check my phone while Gullotta goes out to find a replacement for Liz's bow. This is what I see.

"Drew...commented on your photo".

Me: ...The photo I posted of Jaxson yesterday?

It's the photo that my Aunt Janet took of us in Florida. I remember the conversation like it was yesterday. "This photo doesn't show how tall he is! We need to take another one!". Simply commented, "Miss you!" and let me tell you, this kid does not like his full words in messages.

I came to this realization in orchestra. Drew only comments on my things if another male has done so. Don't ask me how I noticed these things, but I did.

Is he jealous? What is it? He paged through my profile pictures to comment on that as opposed to texting me, like he usually does.

I mean, how weird is that I was to be in Ohio in a week or so had this all worked out. I still can't get over that.

I'm back to drowning myself in my studies and Skyrim.

Skyyyyyyyriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmm.

my heart's a stereo.

It beats for you, so listen close.

As much I hate Adam Levine, I do somewhat enjoy Gym Class Heroes, not in the sense that I must have all of their songs, but in the sense that I will not turn them off if they come on the radio.

I listen to various songs on Spotify that are on the Top 100 hits a couple of times before I go to bed. My daylight hours consist of listening to The Vaccines, mostly. I just recently got into them. Really, I'm heavily listening to The Vaccines and Foster the People.

I find myself being fed up with a lot of old music I used to listen to. Specifically, Morrissey and Brand New. It's really odd.

I finally understand what my mom means when she says that Morrissey is just whiny. I'm not talking about The Smiths, though, just his solo projects. I really don't enjoy most of his work that he's created on his own. The only reason why I would ever see him live was to hear him sing The Smith's songs (see: "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out").

Brand New, well. Here's the story. I was working in Key Food and Michael's mom comes to my register (I really like talking to his Mom). The conversation went something like:

Her: Oh, so you didn't go to the concert last night, did you?
Me: No. I'm not really into them anymore, I used to be.
Her: Really? I haven't given them a listen before. What are they like?
Me: It's really just teenage angst constantly.

I don't consider myself above my age group, but I'm so sick of hearing about suffering and all of that bullshit. (It's not bullshit, not all of it). We are teenagers and we're supposed to fucking live before (quoting Vampire Weekend here) "We mostly work to live until we live to work". Maybe it's just a personal outlook. Maybe I overcame my mental grievances and now I've grown up.

Like I've said, I grew up a whole lot this summer and this year.

My studying habits have really changed, I think. My grades this quarter are a lot better than what they used to be. I'm really proud of myself, but I'm just so tired all the time. I'm already worrying about next year and I honestly can't believe that it's already December.

I am a supporter of the Occupy My Bed movement, aka let me stay in my bed for the next three weeks.

For AP Art next year, I'm going to try and incorporate my love for colour and my theme will be based upon stained glass. What I mean by that is that I will use the light that passes through stained glass onto an object in daily life and use that to shade. I think it's an interesting concept, but I have to get it approved probably.

I didn't mean to fall asleep for three hours, but my dreams were continuously coaxing me to fall back asleep.

We were having a family reunion, even Sylvia came. For some reason Drew's family came, too (I think you can tell where this is going). It was so nice just to be with Drew in a dream. I can't tell if I'm over him or not, but I know I am at the same time.

There's really not a day where he doesn't cross my mind. I'm so proud of him, which he knows. He wants to see me, but that was weeks ago. Part of me wants him to go back to Amelia Island when we do, just so I can lay with him holding his hand underneath the stars on the beach or in the dilapidated fort on Aury Island and watch the cars go by.

I hope he thinks of me sometimes.

I think highly of him, but I'm over him, I suppose. I don't get sad or furious when his name is mentioned anymore.

Ironically, I'm looking at Ohio State's English program. It's really good, but I just don't know if I want to be in Columbus, Ohio for four years. Ryan wants me to be able to play soccer with them every Sunday, so I'm tempted to go to school in Manhattan. Mom wants me to pick a SUNY, but I don't know if there are any that aren't above Manhattan. I'm looking at NYU again, but I don't think any of the schools I really want to go to will even look at me. Maybe St. John's. I can't bring myself to go to California, but Chris and Elise suggested it.

I'm not even that smart. I don't know why people keep telling me to look at all these big name schools. They keep saying to, which I do, but I keep getting my hopes up for no reason.

I've covered pretty much everything that's been on my mind for the past two months or so. See you in another.

a good man x2.

Basically what happened was that Michael told me to go make amends with Natalie and I told him that if it came down to me being friends with her and not having her as a friend, I would choose to not have her as a friend.

Do I hold anything personal against her? No. We've distanced and have no common ground, therefore it is futile to stimulate something that is dying.

I had said that if Natalie is going to the social event, do not invite me, which has worked out very well. It works vice versa.

Michael says that they hate leaving one of us out, so it would be best to just reconcile. It's awkward in other situations etc etc.

I don't do that.

This post has been made to prove a point. I haven't really hung out with anyone outside of school since early October. A part of me feels like I have purposely isolated myself because of my schoolwork and lack of proper sleep. A part of me feels like I'm just lazy.

I want to go out and have fun. I want to be a teenager, dammit. I want to do stupid shit (regardless of consequences...but not in a sense where it involves the police force).

I love them, but I am bored with routine. (It's a gemini thing, apparently). I need to see the world in which I inhabit.

a good man.

my grades are higher than they've ever been in first quarter since i started heavily gaming again. welp.

in this crazy life.

I am seeing Tracy and Jenna tomorrow! I'm so excited to see them, like you don't even know. I haven't seen them in three months. It's been way too fucking long.

I got paid on Wednesday. $151.40 after taxes. They only took out about nine bucks in taxes, which really wasn't bad. Dad says that once I start making more money, they're going to smack me over the head with taxes, but until then, I still make minimum wage.

Thanksgiving was really nice today. My Italian grandparents came over and they made us chestnuts. I never had them before and they were really good. I'm not a big fan of nuts other than peanuts and cashews (even with cashews it's a stretch). Uncle Richie, Aunt Terry, Risa, Cadie and Dillan came over, too. I hadn't seen Dillan in such a long time and it was really nice to talk to him again. We got to play Starcraft and stuff; I felt like I was younger again when we used to play Might and Magic together at Ryan's. Uncle Ted and Chris came over with his girlfriend Elise. She's apparently really elusive. Everyone's been trying to meet her for the longest time and they were really happy to finally meet her.

It was a small Thanksgiving get together, but it's always really nice. No mashed potatoes, though. The turkey was good, if a bit tough to bite into. (I won't judge - those turkeys are a fucking bitch).

yo duermo ahora. mis ojos cerrarán si estoy despierto más tiempo. que malo!


yo no sé por qué yo estoy hablando en español pero ¿por qué no?


yo pensé que yo esté en La Red a las tres de la mañana pero yo estoy muy cansada ahora. yo no quiero pensar en español más tiempo. yo puedo sobre mi cama sólo...patético!


buenas noches mis amores!

i'd leave this town if it meant you loved me.

I'm sitting in the backseat of Regine's black Audi, coming back from Chinatown. Ryan is sitting in the front and he's blowing his nose; he's come down with something, probably a cold. Regine's worried as she puts her hand on the stick shift and tells him all the ways to fight it off and how she's going to make us all hot tea when we get to the Animal House.

Ryan's real tired. His head is against the black leather seat and he places his hand over hers on the stick shift. He doesn't argue, but he doesn't want me to see. When they get all cute, they always try to hide it, but it's almost impossible because I am in the backseat.

My eyes are glued to the window outside. The sun is still bright and the brick walls that divide the highway and the homes are blurring past my eyes. I clasp the dirty white bag strap and lay my head back, closing my eyes. I'm getting kind of car sick. Ryan's got this room scent that makes me sick -- I don't really know what it smells like to give it a name.

It's gotten darker now. We're in the same positions as we were earlier today. Now we're leaving from the Animal House. My face is radiating happiness, I had such a good day today. Ryan's still blowing his nose; Regine is driving.

I can't pull myself to look away from the world outside. We're just outside the city, Queens. All of the street lights and building lights are turned on bright and it's something spectacular. "Super Bass" by Nicki Minaj has come on the radio for the umpteenth time today, a strange change of pace from "Mr. Saxobeat" by Alexandra Stan.

The world outside changes from lights and tall buildings to quiet forests and walled-off communities. I'm grabbing onto the door handle as Regine makes a turn. She's not a bad driver, but she's getting angrier with the bad drivers on the road today.

I'm gaining a keener sense for the world, my thumb rubbing over the texture of the handle, every groove and rise, a brand new world.

A world I could never imagine, but a world I so desire.