you'll know that i couldn't love any other.

I am so happy at my college. I can't stress this enough. I love the location, I love the people and I love the life. At times, although, it can be overwhelming and exhausting, but I would take it over being in the middle of nowhere and the only entertainment being drinking. It's finally lost its appeal to me. More because Patrick was hospitalized last Friday and it was so, so, so scary. He was unable to form coherent sentences, nor tell us what he was studying or where he lived (however, he strangely was very capable in rattling off his student ID number).

I had come back from transporting myself to Mars and hung out with Jessica and Hunter in my room. It was a lovely time, really, just chilling relaxing to music. I was kind of upset because Evan's girlfriend didn't really like me at the time (we're working things out as I type this) so I didn't want to stay over at his room. Not that anything would have happened between us, but I didn't want her to infer anything. We're just really good friends. I like Evan a lot, and I think he deserves the world. Teresa, however, thought that he still liked me and was rather upset that we were hanging out again. I said hello to them both and I got the coldest reception from her. She was later arguing with Evan and she said, and I quote, "Why don't you go snugs with Caroline?" and walked away.

It was uncool, especially because I don't like Evan in that manner. I just care for him a lot. He comes to talk to me a bunch and that Friday, he started crying. He was so distraught over Teresa and I felt so bad. They worked it out, though, and I'm glad. Teresa invited me to sit with her and Sarah at lunch so that was lovely. I got to talk to them about television and music and we're probably going to hang out this Thursday (with all things implied about a Thursday evening).

But anyway, I walked back from Evan's room that Friday and when everything started happening, I went to Hunter's room to help him out. He had come back and said that Will and Patrick had gotten arrested for public intoxication, however, Joe has no idea what he's talking about, so there's that. They were fine, just nowhere to be found until they barged into Hunter's room. Patrick and Will finished a whole bottle of Jack Daniel's together and then subsequently smashed the bottle all over the floor. God, I hate drunkards.

I was being matronly to Patrick, who was in tears, too. I told Hunter to get help because Patrick was so bloody sick. He was vomiting for two hours, unable to move from his bed unless it was to the toilet. The night was later filled with security and this EMT guy. He was carted out by an ambulance and I told Hunter to give me three seconds to put on pants, but they left before I could get back. He was at the Presbyterian Hospital until 8am. Patrick didn't come back until noon the next day. He said that they kept sticking him with the needle, about twenty times, because his blood wasn't flowing. He has yet to call his parents, which is fucking dumb because they're going to receive a bill in the mail with no explanation. He broke his phone, too, in his drunken antics.

One of the RAs had to do a write up, and I don't think it'll end in punishment just because I think there's like a health amnesty thing or whatever. But when Hunter heard that there was a write-up, he started to tear up which was more shocking than anything.

Saturday, me, Jess, Alex, Leah, Javier and Hunter went to the Brooklyn Night Bazaar which was worth every moment we spent in the rain and on public transportation. There were a bunch of stands selling all kinds of simple jewelry, teas and clothes. The food was really tasty, and the music was awesome (King Holiday was a personal favourite of mine). Darwin Deez was playing that night, too, but he wasn't to go on until 12:30 AM and we needed to get back before the one train really crapped out on us. Alex ended up meeting him so it wasn't a total waste, you know?

We all got dressed up real nice for it. Like dresses, makeup, shit like that. Jessica had a ball doing my makeup and I enjoyed putting on a dress and accentuating my feminine body for once. Hunter walked in to my room when we were about to leave and was speechless. So, that was kind of nice.

I don't really know if I'm developing feelings for Hunter, but I really hope not. I like being friends with him and I don't want to ruin it.

But then again, it would be nice if I liked a nice guy for once. Even though he gets on my nerves sometimes.

In other news, I think I might be an English and Economics major with a minor in sociology. I just need to surpass the whole calc part of economics. I have faith in myself, but I don't want to lose my scholarship at the same time.

I feel like I'm always writing a paper for one of my classes this semester. I don't mind it, but I just kind of want to veg out at night. It's really difficult.

I'm just really lazy, honestly.

I have Chinese in an hour and I'm just really tired. I have orchestra from 7:15 until 8:45. It's like my day never ends.

In unrelated school news, my OCD is back. Or perhaps I wouldn't say "back"; it's more of a flare-up than anything. I realized it's triggered when I lose order and control on things in my life, in addition to my awful germaphobia. I know I should see someone about it and I don't know, get medication or whatever. But I don't want medication for it. I don't want to talk about it, but I know I should. I've had two panic attacks in the past month alone and they are the worst. I can't even explain them to people without breaking down into tears.

I'm so blessed to have a roommate who gives a damn about me. She's called me during my panic attack and calmed me down.

Like always: I need a nap.

friends with tired eyes.

Winter break was a welcomed pause in my academic year, but has been prolonged. I'm working a lot, which is awesome, but I'm a perpetual state of exhaustion. While I have the time to recover on my sleep and just simply relax, I feel I cannot. There's a lot I want to do in a day and I know I can't do it all, but I still try. I want to write; I want to learn all the lyrics to Young the Giant's album; I want to finish Bioshock; I want to work out. See what I mean? I don't have all this time to do that.

This week I'm working four six hour shifts, which again, is awesome, but is extremely taxing. To remember all the produce codes and specific customer etiquette is overwhelming. I don't do well with stress. It only makes me angry and subsequently sad.

I was happy to come home to see Michael and Tiffany. Now, January fourth, two-thousand-and-fourteen, I'm not so sure. Simply, it's very obvious that college has changed them. Primarily for the best but there are also some negative qualities that I'm finding hard to cope with.

This all was triggered New Years Eve when I spent it alone, in front of my computer playing Bioshock. Granted, I had to work in the morning, but I knew had I really had a solid plan, I would have went and did something that night. Tiffany was hanging out with Allison, Jenna, Kassy and the like; people I am well-aware that I cannot stand, yet I entertained the idea of partying with them. As if I would have had a good time. I feel as if she's trying to exacerbate her intoxication. I received a snapchat from her which was just spinning darkness. I couldn't even prevent myself from rolling my eyes. When I had wished her a happy new year, I received an incoherent, pixelated mess in response.

I feel like she sent the same shit to her crush at Wesleyan as a "look at how much fun I am having without you!!!!" sort of deal. I hope she meets a new dude that gets her off of this kid. I imagine that he's really uncomfortable about the whole thing.

And why do we only say "Have a happy new year!" at the beginning? Shouldn't this shit be a constant well-wish?

Michael is getting into drag queen culture now which is really cool. I'm super glad that he's found his niche in college because it seemed like he wasn't having a good time at Rochester at the beginning. He seems a lot happier now and yeah. However, the past two times I've hung out with him have been someone doing his drag makeup, which was fun the first time, but yesterday made it really tiring.

I cannot stress enough that I am so happy for him. However, there are other things we can do when we're home. I can't just put up with diva lifestyle.

For example, I removed the spirit gum from his eyebrows. What, do you not have hands anymore?

Matt is also talking to me a lot more. I chalk it up to the fact that I think he's realized that his so-called "friends" aren't actually his friends. I mean, it's nice. He wants to hang out the weekend we get back, but I don't know. I know what he's capable of and I know how cruel he can be. I may be potentially exaggerating his negative qualities, but those qualities are still there.

I do want to stay his friend and I want him to be a better person. It's not my job, but yeah.

I've been talking to James pretty steadily all throughout break. He's a really nice guy; he is. However, before we left for winter break, Hunter and I were hanging out when he dropped the "What do you think of James?" bomb. So I kind of know why he's talking to me and I don't want to give him the wrong idea.

If Hunter transfers to New Paltz, or anywhere for that matter, I will be very upset. However, my cold exterior won't allow me to convey this to him.

James said that when I was fawning over Matthew that Hunter said, "I would rather see her with anyone else but him." and "What's so great about this kid anyway?" I don't know. It's kind of been ringing in my head for a while now. I honestly came to the blog to get it out of my brain.

Honestly, Hunter, I couldn't tell you.

Manhattan College, I miss you dearly. But I don't think I'm ready to leave my house yet. And leave my house, I mean leaving Mom, Dad, Catherine and Jaxson.

we are explorers when the beat goes on.

I'm going to do some sort of incomprehensible stream of consciousness here. I haven't written lately and it's not due to the fact that I'm especially lazy when it comes to documenting things, but rather I haven't actually had the time to sit down and write about everything that's happening.

In a sense, it is good. I'm no longer cooped up in front of an LED screen, banging on my keyboard until something interesting comes along. I live in New York City, Manhattan, the capital of the world, let me tell you: this city does not sleep. There is always something to do, and for that, I am grateful. I could go to museums, outdoor excursions, hell, concerts, one of the primary reasons I stayed in-state for college.

I'm in the process of staying at school as long as possible, just to see if I can do it. It's not that daunting of a task, but enough for the woman who went home every two weeks because socialization in college is a bit overwhelming for the introvert. It's going well, if that's any consolation. I saw my family last Sunday for dinner at Emporium Brazil. Bruno told me how proud he was of me for going to college and that studying English is wonderful. He told me how he thinks the English language is beautiful and literature itself is an art. It made me feel better about choosing my major. Obviously, I'm nervous about what I'm studying. Yes, it is versatile, but at the end of the day, it's not as marketable as say, a marketing degree or you know, an engineering degree.

I wouldn't mind pursuing engineering at this point of my life, but I know I don't understand the inner-workings of math well enough to perform decently in the school of engineering. I'm not exactly thrilled with the idea of going to Leo more than three times a week.

Math will always be a struggle, but there's something beautiful about it being my last math class ever. Three more weeks and I will have no use for my graphing calculator, well, academically of course. I still can't do basic computations in my head. Well, you know, I can, but I don't trust myself enough to say my answers are correct.

I have a new appreciation for the study of religion thanks to my professor Geraci. I've always been exposed to religion as something rigid and something delicate as well. It's never been exactly fun to learn about either. But this introduction course has totally changed my mind. You can poke fun at religion and not be offensive about it (Hear that America?). Ultimately, it's just very entertaining to listen to a Jewish-raised, now-agnostic, fu manchu-donning, cave-painting tattooed man speak about religion. It's a lot, I know.

Science is just a lot to cram into my brain for how inconsequential it is to my major. I've got a midterm in two hours and clearly my last minute study session is going phenomenally.

Well, that's enough for academics.

The main reason I am here is to talk about how tumultuous my social life is right now. I don't really speak to Simona or Heidi that much, and to be honest, I'm rather grateful for that as well. They're nice girls, truly, however, we don't have much in common and it's really just a clash of interests when we do speak. I hope we can all be adults about this and remain cordial in the future. I know Simona has a streak of blowing things out of proportion and I'm afraid that's what will happen.

Kaylee is nice and all, but I realized why I find her irritating: when she has to explain something, it has to be this elaborate, long-winded story regarding her life when you could be talking about juice. Something so stupid and unimportant. Why do I need to know about your family's life story regarding breakfast and juice? I don't understand. I think it's cool that she's comfortable enough to tell us all about her familial life, but I don't need to hear everything you've ever done with them.

I love Jessica. She's precious. She's always there for me and I hope I can be there for her when she needs me.

Alex is my girl. Plain and simple. We can just pick up after a couple of days not seeing or talking to each other and it's nothing.

MATT ON THE OTHER HAND.

I told Matt that I liked him last weekend. I was rather abrupt with it, but I wasn't exactly in a good state of mind to be proper or eloquent in my speech or social graces. He told me that he wasn't looking for a relationship because he was focusing on schoolwork. It's noble enough, I get it. Relationships are taxing. The next evening, Saturday, I went to Greenpoint to escape campus and just hang out with Jessica and Alex. I needed it. I came back to a text from Hunter saying that he was hooking up with another chick. It hurt and I cried in front of Hunter, but what could you expect from me? I was emotionally vulnerable.

Last night, I was sitting with him in Evan's room alone. I was looking to make a playlist, really just averting his eyes because I knew that I was still getting him out of my system. I didn't want to make him think anything, either. He's quiet for a little bit, which is fine, I don't like talking all the time, but he opens his mouth and the conversation, in short, goes like this:

Matt: Caroline, I want to talk to you about something.
Caroline: Okay, what?
Matt: I want to talk about how you asked me to be your boyfriend last weekend.
Caroline: Nope, I didn't say that.
Matt: How you wanted to be in a relationship with me.
Caroline: Nope, not that either. I said that I really liked you. That's all.
Matt: Well, I should have said yes.

He never really looked at me when he said this. He was kind of staring at the desk and I attributed that to his intoxication. I can't really remember what I said after that, but I was obviously struck dumb. I wanted to get in depth with it, just get all of my harbored sentiments and thoughts on the table, but Evan came back in the room. I told Matt that it was a private matter and we'd have to continue this conversation later this evening.

At the end of our evening, Matt went to leave and I took my leave as well, wishing Evan a good night. Evan followed me out, insisting that he walk me home, which is a rather nice gesture on his part. I told him not to worry, still lucid enough to know that I had to speak with Matt, but he followed me out. Evan knew though and went back to bed.

I knocked on Matt's door and I looked him dead in the eye and said, "Are we going to talk or what?" and he, being inebriated and on Mars, says, "Oh, right." and follows me out.

So I explain how I thought what he said about me at lunch with George and Jessica was uncool. I said that even if you didn't reciprocate, I'm still your friend at the end of the day and that's lame. It hurt my feelings and made me angry. He tripped over his words and said he didn't mean for it to come off like that. (Great.)

He walked me to the entrance of Jasper Hall and said he was really in no state to have this conversation, which I respected because neither was I. I, being as serious as can be, asked him if we were actually going to have this conversation. He said, "Yes, tomorrow." to which I replied, "Do you promise?" and he responded again in the affirmative. We shook on it and he hugged me goodnight. I looked in the reflection of the glass to see if he was watching me leave. He did not.

I came to write this post for the sole purpose of writing all of that nonsense about Matt. I needed to get it off my chest, but I also needed to write it out to see if I still feel the same as I did last weekend. And to be honest, I don't. I've worked him out of my system. Perhaps I've moved on rather quickly, but all that happened in the span of four days was enough to detox.

I couldn't really pinpoint how I felt about him after what he said last night. I just see him as a friend I could care for immensely in a platonic sense. But he has asshole-ish tendencies and that's a major turnoff.

I just want to listen to Fleet Foxes all day. Maybe get around to studying for this science test.

Did I mention I got two new piercings? They're still a little sore, but I'm thinking about getting a third one on my lobe on my right ear. The last two are going to be a cartilage hoop on my left one and a second lobe piercing. Mom is going to kill me. But that's all I want.

I mean next to a tattoo of my Chinese name, but that's a little more permanent than the piercings.

I know enough's enough and you're leaving.

I'm really trying to do everything in my power to not actually do work today. I was up until one in the morning last night trying to bullshit out three pages of a paper that is due on the thirtieth. I have to have three pages of it done for tomorrow. I know it's good to revise often, but it's really infuriating to make a page limit. If the content is good, there's no reason as to why it should be a specific length. Some people write concisely, like myself, and find it really difficult to elongate ideas for the sole idea of elongating. There's no content, why stretch your bullshit to the ends? There's nothing there, my God.

I tried hookah last Friday and it was actually a lot of fun. I mean, the whole concept of breathing addictive substances into your lungs is not fun, but it was the people and the ambiance. I went with Alex, Jessica, Leah, Matt and Kaylee to this place in the EV and it was just super chill. All of our trains on the way back, however, shut down for construction or whatever and we didn't get back until three am. We ended up having to get off at Herald Square and walk to Penn Station to get onto the one, but the one was down at that station (because it would be too easy to just have everything go right for once, right?) so we had to ride the two to 96th and transfer onto the one. It was rough.

I went to Daylife on Sunday, too, which was so much fun. There was free music and a bunch of different food stands and thrift shops to peruse. I got to see Swaai Boys for free and they were entertaining like always. I met Katarina down there for the day and it was really nice to see her. She hasn't made any friends at NCC and I'm worried only because I don't know if she's avoiding making friends just because they attend NCC or if she just can't socialize. Like I introduced her to my friends Sunday and I don't think she talked at all to them, even though I would bring her into the conversation. It's weird. She really should have gone away for college, but what can you do.

Saturday, I'm jumping around, I saw Alt-J and I wasn't a fan of them until I saw him. It all comes together live and now I do believe they are deserving of their Mercury Prize. I caught the setlist for Alex and got trampled for it.

I am so damn tired and kind of homesick. I miss Jaxson.

i envy you, i always have.

I'm at college right now. Let that soak in, Internet. I started this blog back in late freshman year in high school and now I'm a freshman in college. That's about four years, now.

Do I think I've grown up any? Yes, but not a lot.

I'm getting used to college life. I mean, to be honest, I think I'm really acclimated now. I still get homesick sometimes, but it's better. The first two days were pretty rough.

I was robbed on the fifth day on the steps leading to Horan Hall. Those next two days were rough, too. Jessica picked up the school newspaper and there's an article on the front page about it. Essentially, I'm famous, even though my name is not mentioned once.

I'm kidding. I'd rather not be famous for being robbed.

The Fiftieth Precinct drove me around the projects at night, which they call "The Maze" and it was pretty freakin' terrifying. After that happened, I'm much more aware of my surroundings and honestly grateful for all that I have.

If anyone reads this: if you're robbed, don't go chasing after them. That's a terrible idea and yeah. You're just gonna be winded and furious. Try just to be furious.

I went to a party over at Jasper the night after and drank way too much. I threw up out a window. Freshmen, man.

I've met some really great people here. Jessica, Simona, Kaylee, Leah, Aline, Heidi, Mike are all wonderful people. The guy prospects could be better, though. I'm picky. My dream husband is Brandon Flowers and I'm pretending that I could snag a guy like that. Yeah, right.

I have Chinese in an hour and a half. Today I had an eight hour break which is still in process. It kind of sucks. My classes end at 7:45 and it's really exhausting. I'm so glad my math class is only two times a week, but Jesus Christ, Manhattan. Couldn't you find a better time frame other than late?

My teacher is pretty bad, too. I can't really discern his handwriting and he has a thick Armenian accent. I just don't have great luck when it comes to math teachers. My English professor is wonderful, however. My religion teacher is awesome, too. Chinese is Chinese; I'm gonna complain about it regardless.

My science class is essentially high school chemistry all over again. I'm not complaining though. It should be easy.

I had my first college drunken hookup and I'm regretting it every day. I'm convinced I have a thing for tall blonds. Whoops.

I honestly wish I had the energy to divulge to my private fucking blog about how I feel about it, but I don't. I just want to forget it forever, but that's really hard considering that he keeps trying to get to know me and I'm kind of just over it. Usually I'm the one trying to stay around, but I just don't fucking care anymore. Whatever happened, happened, but seriously, back up. You're nice and all, but seriously. Go find another chick.

I write this and then something is gonna happen between us and I'm gonna wanna terminate this blog entry.

I'm gonna go warm up some soup before class and then play the Sims.

Oh, I got a semester full of credit. Thanks AP and the College Board.

You're falling back to Earth.

I went to my first house party last night with Katarina. I didn't really want to put her in a situation she was uncomfortable with, so I tried to get her out as fast as possible. I feel really bad because she said the smells were making her nauseous. I took her home at eleven.

I was pestered incessantly by Robbie and Christian to come over. I usually have a ploy to get out of these things: school tomorrow, homework, test, etc, but not this time. I didn't think summer would be a curse.

It was a bit much.

Both Christian and Robbie got my number off of Janay. I'm going to have to talk her about that because that was kind of really uncool.

Christian texted me these two messages: "Just go he wants u to go I'm going" and " He's obsessed with u and wants to hang out with u".

Christian's also the guy who bought Ashley $300 EDC tickets. They're not together. I don't know what has to happen in order for a guy to realize the girl is just using him. Ashley always came off to me like that. (In any circumstance, using anyone is wrong. Haven't we learned this a long time ago?)

Anyway, my point is: I drop off Katarina and come back to hang out for an hour an a half. I'm sitting around while everyone is smoking and shit and I politely tell Robbie that I can't go home smelling like smoke. He was really nice about it, too. He basically shooed everyone outside and into another room so I could go home smelling clean.

He introduces me to all his friends, most of them kids from high school that I haven't seen in YEARS. Most of them got really grimy.

Once I had to leave, he walks me out to my car, which is nice, I guess. He keeps hugging me and crap like that. I don't really know how to explain it, but it was one of those moments where you knew that guy was looking for the right moment to kiss you. Yeah, no. I'm not about that.

Robbie's a nice guy, but I don't like him like that.

He texted me until three in the morning last night. I was up because I was playing Team Fortress 2 with Hunter from Manhattan. I like Hunter, he's a nice guy. Real funny, too.

Robbie's messages, however, later delved into him confessing that he likes me a lot, which I knew. I told him straight up that I don't like him like that.

He was kind of upset I didn't return the feelings, but I told him, I'd rather be upfront and honest with him than dodgy.

That was my night.

give my love to a shooting star.

So, San Cisco was a really nice show, as always. I actually got to meet Jordi Davieson and Scarlett Stevens and I'm really happy I met Scarlett, but Jordi came off as cold and pretty much the exact opposite of what I inferred from all the videos and interviews I've seen of them. I kind of wish I didn't meet him because it just kind of makes me sad now. He gives a really strong handshake, if you were wondering. Scarlett was an absolute doll, like I expected and she told me that I should play the drums because she said that there needs to be more female drummers out there. I totally agree with her, but the bass is really my instrument.

I even met the lead singer from Smallpools, Sean Scanlon. He was explaining to Brenna, Toni and Charlie that this was their first tour ever and their second show in New York (They played the Brooklyn Bowl I believe a couple days earlier.) I don't really like talking to people in groups. Let me rephrase: if I want to meet someone for the first time, I will want to speak with them one-on-one because I'm more comfortable that way. Don't ask why, but that's just how I am. I digress. So, they leave to go speak with San Cisco and he's standing on his own and I go to tell him about how much I enjoyed his show and whatnot. I honestly was not lying when I told him that his show was the best show I've seen live. Like I remember standing in the crowd and being totally blown away by the energy. They got mad bonus points for covering New Radicals's "You Only Get What You Give".

He seemed really shocked when I told him that and he hugged me. We talked for about five minutes and I told him that I would be upfront when they came back to New York and he said he expected to see me there.

It's interactions like that that make fans. I had no more money so I couldn't buy their EP, but I went home and immediately downloaded their EP. He was really, really, really sweet and yeah. I do hope I get to speak with him again.

New Order was fantastic. I couldn't really see the stage because we got there real late, but just to catch a glimpse of Bernard Sumner and to hear "Bizarre Love Triangle" was enough for me. It was a lot like when I saw Stornoway at Somerset House. Williamsburg was a couple blocks away from the water and the sun was going down as they played. If you ever get the chance to see New Order, please do. It's really worth it.

On another note, H&M was running some sort of booth there and I got a coupon for 15% off my purchases until December 31st. I'm totally down with that.

I'm in Florida now.